This weekend really threw me for a loop. I had some specific ideas about how it would or should go, I guess, but boy, they did not turn out as I’d imagined. I truly thought that finally filing my divorce papers on Friday would give me some sense of relief, if for nothing more than accomplishing a needed task. It turned out to be not only a very difficult task, but also a triggering one. (The last two times I’d gone to such a place were when I was molested as a child and had to be interviewed to be considered for testimony, at age 7, and later when I filed for my emancipation at age 16.)

Walking into the county clerk’s office I felt fine, normal, whatever I feel on my day off. Then I was suddenly surrounded by police officers and metal detectors. I hadn’t expected this for some reason, though it makes perfect sense to me now. After the usual emptying of pockets and handing over my few worldly possessions and clearing the security check point I made my way to the family law area. This is when my nerves decided to wake up. I felt jittery, but only on the inside. I stood in line for a minute or two before being summoned by the clerk to come over.

There were three clerk’s windows open and “helping” people to my left. There were other women there seeking to file for divorce. They seemed calm, composed and a bit relieved, though one was incessantly apologetic for not having put her name and address on every single document and rushed to do so. I thought I would feel relief as well, but as soon as I sat down and handed over my papers I began shaking like a leaf. This isn’t like me at all, but I’m finding new ways of surprising myself all of the time.

I had hired LegalZoom.com to prepare my documents and when the clerk began inspecting them she became irritated and, in my opinion, mean. There was a set of documents that apparently they do not handle in that department and this set the clerk off right away. She began shoving the papers back at me saying, “I can’t do anything with this!” and when I didn’t understand what was being asked of me or what I would need to do she started to shout letters and numbers at me (I quickly realized that they were form names). “I don’t understand.” I kept saying, still shaking. I grabbed the excessive documents and sat and watched as my divorce filing hung in the air with my nerves which by this point were not only unbearable for me, but visible to all.

More shouting and frowning ensued before a flurry stamping and stapling, grunting and shuffling. Finally, without a single word spoken to me after the shouting, the papers were once again shoved at me with a look of GTFO. I was sort of frozen for a second, but quickly gathered myself and papers and attempted to move to a table just outside the clerk’s area. I say attempted because I nearly killed myself trying. The chairs were incredibly low, had high-narrow arms and to top it all off, the whole damned thing was on wheels. Nightmare chairs!!! I jumped back up and dashed out as quickly as I possibly could (though I must have made a noise as I copped some major side-eye from the police officers at the check point).

When I got back into my car, I was in shock, I think. I felt the tears coming to my eyes, but fought them with all my might. I managed to drive home and even stopped to get lunch on the way. By the time I got home I was a mess. My roommate picked up on this instantly and gave me a good hug. She’d been through a similar situation with her ex-husband and while they were and still are friends, filing the papers was difficult for her, too. I forced myself to eat my lunch and then finally got into my pajamas and comfy hoodie and climbed into bed for what was supposed to be an epic nap.

I did not sleep. I pretty much just cried, sometimes hysterically, in the dark, for several hours. I felt shattered, lost, alone, hurt, afraid…I couldn’t understand why. I text my bff to see if she felt this way when she filed her papers and she assured me it’s normal and necessary. Another friend explained that I needed to feel all the feelings and to do so and process them on my own. This seemed ridiculous to me at the time, but I see now she was right. Later that night, when I felt like I would seriously lose my shit and climb the walls, I went for a walk outside and it was glorious! The crisp autumn air with a hint of chimney smoke was just what I needed. I met a friend for tea and talked a bit about what I had been through and they were such a great comfort to me.

The next morning I felt calm, relieved, cleansed in a way and ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. That evening I was fortunate enough to have a Big Moves event, A Taste for Dance, to attend and had volunteered to help set up for the chocolate tasting. Yes, fatty dancing and chocolate! Woo! It was lovely and beautiful and moving as always. I was particularly moved by the solo performance of Alanna Kelly Golemon to one of my favorite Robyn songs. Look, I always cry when I see a Big Moves show, but Alanna’s performance touched me on a whole new level. I look up to her a great deal and did not know she was working on a solo. I’m in awe of her and so proud to know her, too.

The following day I went to a friend’s wedding reception and was so touched by how she introduced me to every single person, “You have to meet my awesome friend Sarah!” though I didn’t know what the hell to say or do with myself after such a weighty intro (see what I did there?). She always makes me feel so loved and special and I can never manage to feel worthy of her friendship and love, but I will continue to try. That evening I hung out with the bffs for the premiere of The Walking Dead and well, it rocked my socks and capped off the weekend perfectly, I’d say.

It was an emotional roller coaster, though with more dips than climbs and loops. I’m okay and feeling freer and more relaxed today. I slept okay last night and am hoping for more of the same tonight. I haven’t been sleeping much this past week and it’s caught up to me I’m afraid. Some of you may be wondering why I would share such seriously personal soit with you all,  but it’s what I do. It helps me and sometimes it helps others as well. I share myself and my stories so that others will feel less lonely and othered themselves. If I fall silent for a few days here and there you might now understand why. I’m doing my best to not pressure myself or write what I’m not feeling in my heart. Thank you for reading this blog and for your words of kindness and support in comments. Sometimes, y’all keep me going when nothing else can.

Thank you.

S
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