I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Creatures of the Night


**TW/CW: Talk of rodents, spiders, and how we deal with them. Nothing too gory, I promise. And no pics of them at all! I wouldn’t do that to you!

Oh my dearest, loveliest of lovelies! I am so darned tired! I have had very little sleep (with the exception of last Friday night) in ten days. I’m getting about 4 solid hours at this point, and before you hit me with all of your sleepy wisdom, it has zero to do with me! I know, who’d a thunk it?! Ha-ha! But it’s true, I have a rat/mouse/pest in my apartment. I first noticed it on the 21st of July and told my landlord the next day. Three days later he left me a bag of “mouse killer” which included a single bait station and a big ole sack of bait.

I don’t kill things. I mean, don’t come at me, I will flatten you. But I don’t kill things unless I know for a fact that they are trying to kill me first. I felt absolutely awful and ashamed when I killed a spider a few weeks ago. I cried. I’m not proud. I didn’t want to kill her, she was gorgeous in her own spidery way. I generally like to let spiders do their thing so long as they don’t interfere with me doing mine. I appreciate that they keep other more annoying insects away from me.
This one wouldn’t let me be though. I was in the shower and she just kept coming at me. I tried to persuade her to move along with the shower stream, but she wasn’t having it and eventually when she tried to climb her silk to come closer (I’m guessing) she slipped when it didn’t stick to the tile any longer due to the steam. I had to get out of the shower and let all of the water drain. I stood frozen and when I started to see her body circling the drain I held my breath. I soon realized that she was too big to go down the drain. Dismayed I tried to see if she was still alive. I don’t know if spiders straight up drown or if they can recover. She was dead. So I grabbed a tissue to fish her out of the tub and placed her very gently into my bathroom trash. I apologized for what had transpired and had a moment to myself when the tears arrived.
I never used to be this way! As a child I would scream for my daddy to come take the spiders away. As a teen I would grab a lighter and my trusty AquaNet (lavender can, yo!) and torch the fuckers. In my thirties I started to transport them outside, to better pastures I imagined. And then in my last place I allowed a single but grand, daddy long legs to live in my bathroom. Sheila and I kept to ourselves, didn’t bother each other one bit. When I would turn on the shower, she would simply shimmy on over to her corner and I would go about my day. Then once day I was getting irritated by these little tiny moth-like bugs and I realized that Sheila was gone.
When I moved into my current place my very first night there was a kind of adorable jumping spider in my bathroom. It had almost cartoony eyes! And it seemed very interested in me, in an inquisitive sort of way, not necessarily aggressive. That lil’ thing was in my house for about a month I believe. I saw the same one (I think?) in my living room and kitchen and back in the bathroom again. Then I never saw it again. For a good while there were none! But then this week I saw one in my hallway and thought I’d let it be. Then I had the passing thought of, “At what point do I just let them take over?” in a deadpan sort of way. I do not know why. I guess I was okay with them being there and realized how the extreme of that would be a horror film! (Or Grey Gardens, which I’m quite fond of.)
All of this is to say that the thought of a rat/mouse/pest in my house isn’t so bad, except that all of the grossness and disease that they can bring inside is definitely not welcome. Plus, they ate all my snacks! I keep thinking it’s just one but it might be two of them. They haven’t destroyed anything but food. I can’t find how they’re getting in/out. Yesterday they made it into my living room, but had previously stayed in the kitchen. I do not like harsh chemicals. I worry about my lil’ puggo, too, ya know? But this lil’ fucker has been waking me up at 3 am the last few nights and I am over that shit!
So I put the bait station out last Thursday. It looks like they barely nibbled one corner of the thing. Now WTF do I do?!?! I will change out the bait tonight when I get home. I think I may even put my trash bins outside just to take away any additional attractions. The first night they woke me up at 3 am it honestly sounded like someone was in my apartment rummaging for valuables! I awoke with a start and grabbed my phone and the nearest blunt object. I creeped ever so carefully out into my hallway. The puggo was snoring away happily. My heart was racing when I suddenly heard what I thought was a definite footfall. Nope! The second I turned on the flashlight on my phone I heard the tell tale scamper of tiny rodent feet. UGH!
Same thing the last two nights, only way the heck less panic on my part. I honestly don’t know what else I can do. At 3 this morning I heard them screaming at each other (this is why I think there’s two) in my water heater cupboard. I opened it and shined a light inside but they were already gone. Again, I couldn’t find even a small/tiny hole for them to get through so it must be behind or beneath the water heater, at least an escape route. UGH!
I don’t know what I would do if I actually confronted one, though. Probably scream?! I couldn’t kill it! Don’t know that I could even hit it with something. Truly the thought repulses me deeply. So I will have a bit more coffee than usual, likely perpetuating my sleeplessness. It’s such a silly and common thing, yet it vexes me so completely! I spent half the night cleaning because of the little beasts. They are supposed to eat some of the bait and go back to their home base and die. Or so it says on the bag. It actually says that they won’t die in your home which is hilarious, how could they know for sure?! Hopefully it is only a matter of time and they do just go somewhere else and die. I wish they would just go somewhere else, I would prefer not to be responsible for another creature’s death. However, another week of not sleeping might make me straight up homicidal…towards humans! Ha-ha!
If you’ve read this far, well, kudos to you! Ha-ha! I appreciate your time and attention. This is all so funny and not funny, but here the hell we are!
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,


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