I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Coming Out Of Hiding?


You may not know it from just reading this blog o’ mine, but it seems that I have in fact been in hiding, y’all. I hadn’t actually realized it myself until Monday night at karaoke with my two BFFs. Jery bought the first round of drinks and as we were about to toast (Wyder’s pear cider, yo!) he leans over and says to me, “I’m so glad you finally decided to come out.” gobsmacked, I replied, “Have I been in hiding or something?” to which he said, “Well, yeah, it felt like it.”

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken. I do feel as though I’ve come out of some sort of hiding/cloistering period. I guess I just hadn’t thought of it that way. The thing is, I used to go out at least once a week. Usually to karaoke with the boys, but then it stopped being fun, I ran out of moolah and got super tired and depressed. It happens. I got so caught up in my own stress and anxieties that I’d forgotten to have fun. What a huge missing piece of my giant self-care puzzle, right?! Whew! So happy I’ve found it!

And it wasn’t actually that sudden of a thing, either. I think the fat clothing swap in San Francisco a couple of months ago (was it that long?) really kicked things off and reignited my fatty activist passion. Then of course meeting so many fabulous local fats helped and soon I found my social calendar filling up! Who knew? I do remember a point where I was scrambling to fulfill plans made and even canceling some for both personal (anxiety/panic) and logistic reasons.

The fat flesh mob with Marilyn Wann in S.F. for International No Diet Day was another big push in the right direction. It certainly reminded me in an indelible way just how important and needed the fat acceptance movement is and why I am committed to being a part of it and furthering its goals (equality, anyone?). The burlesque class* that made me realize that I could feel sexy again! And somehow it all culminated in this past weekend with the BBW dance night in Oakland and then karaoke on Monday? Well, what a wild ride and a blast! And I’m still standing! Fun didn’t kill me! Ha-ha!

I guess I do tend to cloister myself reflexively. I stay where I can control my environment and interactivity. I stick with what’s comfortable and easy and low maintenance and stress. It’s why sometimes I just can’t want to try a new restaurant while other times I’m jumping at the chance. My husband both help and hurts this type of self-preservation things depending on what end of the spectrum we each are on at that time. I used to think being a homebody was some terrible waste of time or whatever. Now I totally get it! I do!

I would like to thank my friends, new and old, for sticking by me and being so patient and kind to me. P&J for being my all-time cheerleaders and the tough love givers when they somehow know the time is right. Steph for making me feel like we were in high school talking on the phone about all things boys for hours! Virgie Tovar for being so fucking sweet and awesome and helping me feel sexy again! Carmen for accompanying me to the burlesque class and getting out of your comfort zone…you sexy bitch! Marilyn Wann for making me see you in a whole new light (human? Yep, totally!) and putting one of my dreams into reality (fatty flash mob!). Jeanette & Jessica for inviting me out, making me feel welcome and for making me feel like a girl, too! Twistie for always somehow knowing the right thing to say to me, keeping me sane. Psycho Sue and Rachel for being such amazing and supportive bad asses even though y’all live so very far away from me. WithoutScene for actually wanting to put up with my random-ass chat sessions (ha-ha!) and inspiring me and making me see my own potential. Amanda for making me so hopeful for the hardworking college folks out there! What you are doing is amazing, I don’t know why you don’t have a  fan club yet! Kath for inspiring me and being a super fatty blog mentor to me (without you realizing even). Of course, my husband, Bryan for being my rock and my best friend and putting up with my chaos (even though he’s never seen this blog–he’s aware of it). And my regular  here and my regular customers at the cafe for lifting my spirits by just saying hi! Thank you for that!

If you’ve never left a comment, please do. I forget anyone reads this sometimes and it really does help me keep going.  

Not sure how this ended up all sappy…meh, whatever. Go with it! Ha-ha! Thanks y’all! You rock my socks!

20 Comments to

“Coming Out Of Hiding?”

  1. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:42 am Shadow Boxer Says:

    Hi! I’ve only recently found your blog but I’m really enjoying it! I know what you mean about hiding and coming back out again. I’ve been working on being fat in public. It’s working pretty well for me, even to the point of finding myself a new 2 piece bathing suit for the beach this year. It’s a great blog, thanks for writing it!

  2. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:26 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you so much! And two piece fatkini?! WOO! Go you! I don’t think I’m ready for the two piece yet, but I’ll get there eventually. Ha-ha! It does take practice and self-work I think, the whole fat in public thing. But hey, the more we all do it the more normal it will seem. =0)

  3. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:28 am jery Says:

    ☕ Love you, Gurl!! We always got your back. Now, if we can just get that photo shoot done. ☺

  4. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:32 am Not Blue at All Says:

    *hugs* Thanks. Oh yes, photo shoot! Fo-sho!

  5. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:19 pm Twistie Says:

    What can I say? We’re soul sisters and even when we aren’t into the same stuff, we get each others’ stuff. Even when we haven’t been there, we know the neighborhood, too.

    When the new stove arrives, we will totally have a threesome. And pie.

  6. On May 25th, 2011 at 12:25 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Would the pie make it a foursome? Ha-ha!

  7. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:00 pm Twistie Says:

    I don’t know. Can the pie be blueberry?

  8. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:01 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Hmm…I don’t find them sexy, but if you do? Sure!

  9. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm Twistie Says:

    I guess there’s always… passionfruit.

    WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! The electrician will be here within the hour to look over the job and give us an estimate of both time and cost!!!!! MY NEW STOVE SHALL BE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!

  10. On May 25th, 2011 at 1:27 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Not su8re passion fruit would make for a good pie. I’ll admit that banana cream is my fave of faves. But I’m game for anything!

  11. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:19 pm Lady ATX Says:

    I follow both this blog and your tumblr. I may be a quiet lurker, but I feel like you are my awesome friend that I have never actually met. There’s a Hallmark card for ya! 😀

  12. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:16 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Aw, no need to lurk any longer! We can be awesome friends without meeting, yet…no worries! Do introduce yourself on Tumblr so I know who you are. I love it so much over there, but I find it difficult to connect with people. Thanks so much! <3

  13. On May 25th, 2011 at 6:58 pm Jenna Says:

    I def read your stuff. Just started commenting again (finished MS degree wooo! AND got engaged AND moved in w/ him so been busy). I get the cloistering thing. I suffer from bouts of body-anxiety/ dysmorphia and when I get like that I have a really hard time leaving the house. I feel like everyone is going to judge me/make fun of me and I won’t be comfortable at all. Its really hard to explain whats going on in my head at these times so like you I am going to start to create social life around me and go out at night maybe even go dancing? I LOVE dancing but nightclubs really scare me. so yeah good for you keep writing, too 🙂

  14. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:12 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Yes, I was worried about the nightclub thing, too. But it does seem that BBW nights are pretty common. I know of a few through facebook now, but I’ll probably just stick with the one I went to. Thank you for reading & commenting! <3

  15. On May 25th, 2011 at 8:17 pm Rachel Says:

    Dude, I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I am spending a lot of evenings alone, and I don’t know how to be alone. I’m lonely. I’ve taken to complimenting friendly strangers on the bus on their lip gloss, hoping they’ll take me home and dress me in a boa and take me out to gay bars. Ha-ha!
    Glad you’ve added a new piece to make you happy ♥ ♥ ♥

  16. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:13 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Uh, I feel for ya! I’m terrible on my own, too. I just wanna drink and watch silly girly shows and movies. Ha-ha! That is not the healthiest thing, for sure. I want someone to dress me up and take me to gay bars, too! Ha-ha! Hope you find a way to be cool on your own, and then do tell me about it! <3

  17. On May 26th, 2011 at 3:26 am Kath Says:

    Big fat hugs honey. Take any time you need to take care of you. I’m taking a bit of time myself lately.

  18. On May 26th, 2011 at 8:14 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thanks, Kath! You can’t preach self-care and not actually do it yourself…at least for very long! Ha-ha! Glad you’re taking time for you. Doing my best on this as well. <3

  19. On May 28th, 2011 at 11:24 am withoutscene Says:

    You are nothing to PUT UP WITH, guuuuuuuuurrrl. I seek you out, know that. And yes, I will always be here to convince you of your fabulousness because I am indebted to those who have done so and continue to do so for me (you, being one of them). I am grateful for our convos and our notes and messages and exchanges. That fuck you is still up in my office and I smile every time I see it. I mean, who *DOES* SOMETHING LIKE THAT? You do, damn it. Cuz you get me. <3

  20. On May 28th, 2011 at 11:28 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Awww!!! Thank you for being you, gurl! You rock my world! Who *does* something like that? I guess we were somehow meant to be homies, what can i say?! Ha-ha! Love ya, babe!

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