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Cloistered & Confused


So last week I pretty much just cloistered myself away from the world. It wasn’t intentional at first, but then I grew more fearful of the “outside world” and got comfortable in my apartment snuggle-world for awhile. The weather was colder and I quite enjoy layering and bundling, to a certain degree. I will always be a California gal, but I love autumn here. The metallic smells of the first fall rains. The layering of clothing, snuggling on the couch with my puggyman. These are things near and dear to me. But I’m going through a major transitional phase in my life and I’m not sure where it will lead me. I look back on this past year and I am horrified. Am I mourning all that has been lost or stolen? Could be. I feel a need to stay inside and keep close to home, suddenly. Only two weeks ago I was Ms. Socially Fat USA! Today? Not so much.

I am full of a strange type of nostalgia. The crisp air can do that to me. It makes me think of this goth club I used to frequent called “The So What.” At one point I would just go alone. I loved to dance and the music was (and still is) very new to me. I relished in its newness and exotic appeal. The smell of clove cigarettes in the air, the gay s & m porn in the bar, the industrial-punk-stompers…all of it! It’s magical to me. In retrospect I can laugh at what I wore every time I went, but I felt awesome and sexy and invincible in my own twisted way back then. I was 19-20. The world didn’t seem the hateful place it is today. It seemed possible, anything did. I loved that!

And now I don’t know what the hell is going on. I feel so out of it. I’m okay health wise, but I did have some hormonal peaks and valleys last week. Nothing terribly unusual there though. I did have a lovely weekend, at home mostly, with my husband. I think it’s  been long enough since I sold the cafe that I have forgotten what Mondays feel like. I have nothing to truly dread anymore and that is awesome. I also got to hang out and drink and watch spooky things with my BFFs. That is a real energizer. I always feel more completely myself when we get to do that. The drink of choice that evening was UV Vodka (on sale at BevMo for 8.99 it was such a great price I went back for more) with blueberry-cranberry juice and later strawberry-cranberry juice…so delish and divine! And while the movie we watched had its moment, it wasn’t great. The “Paranormal Witness” show we watched was fantastic! Very scary-spooky and awesome. If you have any suggestions on really awesome spooky-scary movies, do let me know!!!

I think deep down, I am utterly confused. I had such direction there for awhile. Now I feel aimless. I don’t know what I want to do. “Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same.” I feel as though I’m caught between two worlds somehow. Okay, that sounds a bit out there, but I dunno. I feel pulled in different directions yet I have no desire to go in either. Blah! I want things. I want to do things. But nothing sticks out as a career yet or even a obsessive project. Ha-ha! I will stick it out. Don’t worry about me. I always find a way. That is something Virgie and I had in common while chatting over lunch on Friday. Resourceful baergain huntresses that we are!!!

So what does this week or month bring to mind for you? What are you torn between? Are you feeling energized? Motivated? Drained? Lay it on me, babies!!! <3

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13 Comments to

“Cloistered & Confused”

  1. On October 10th, 2011 at 11:40 pm E. Ai B. Says:

    I wonder if Autumn does that to everyone…the nostalgia. It’s a reminder how quickly things change I guess. Just this evening, I re-watched the modern version of Romeo+Juliet with my husband, and realized I still had the lines memorized. I remembered what it felt like to be a young girl and watch that film. Everything was so full of potential love and even conflict, but everything certainly was alive and moving. I certainly feel stagnant compared to my youth (not in a bad way, I suppose. I’m the female head of a household, a stable one, and I do love it/am grateful for it. It does sometimes feel as though I’m in slow motion compared to other people, however). I’m certainly drained. I’m homeschooling my daughter for preschool this year, and I love having her around another year, but getting lessons together is a tough chore every night and I worry that she will be behind if I don’t get it “right”. I’m re-editing the book again, trying to get ready to start the sequel with Nanowrimo, and I feel as though I’m spinning my wheels w/o any progress. It took me two years to write the damn thing, and it will be over a third before I get it cleaned up. Which would be okay if it would pay, or even just put my name out there. But it won’t. B/c things don’t work that way. And the outlook of everyone’s careers/talents/hobbies is so bleak at the moment that I try not to think on it too much. 🙁 Ahh…Autumn….You beautiful, depressing SOB…

  2. On October 11th, 2011 at 9:15 am Not Blue at All Says:

    E. Ai B.: Yes. Oh man, I loved that Romero and Juliet, so pretty and gritty at the same time. John Leguizamo was fantastic. I think you’re right, perhaps autumn is truly a time of reflection for all of us. It could be evolutionary if you think about it. You had to pay close attention to your harvest and what not so as not to starve to death during the winter. Life inventory taking is similar I think. Thank you for putting it in a better light for me.

  3. On October 11th, 2011 at 3:49 am Dee Says:

    I’ve started over twice now. The first time, I left Michigan for Ontario and grad school when I was 33. I met my husband there and worked pretty steadily. My career went in some new and interesting directions.

    When I was 40, my husband and I moved to his native Scotland. In the past year, I’ve had one 3-month contract and some freelance work. I’m bored and I feel trapped. I do get into moods where I feel self conscious and out of place and sometimes don’t leave the flat all day. However, the flat is huge and beautiful and full of light. I knew this might happen when we moved here – that I might have trouble finding a job in this economy – and so I made sure that we bought a place I would enjoy spending a lot of time in.

    Starting over is such a mixed bag. It can give you a burst of energy and optimism and a feeling of control. It’s always a learning experience, especially when you start to notice patterns in what you do and what results, and what problems keep coming up (like the urge to pack up and start over when things aren’t going perfectly).

    However, you lose a lot every time you do it, some of those losses will always feel sad, and some people and things will always be missed.

  4. On October 11th, 2011 at 9:18 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Dee: Wow, those are some big moves and adventures. I must admit, while I did start my life over once, it was only twenty miles from where I grew up, but it felt like a world away. I was nineteen years old. Now? I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like anything at the moment. But yeah, all my husband talks about if buying a house in the mountains. I watch a lot of those DIY shows and I have the itch as well, but without a stable income or savings there just isn’t a way to make it so…yet. You flat sounds lovely, I must say. Mine’s alright I suppose. We have a dog now which is more than we could at our old place. We stayed in that old apartment for ten years and have only been in this one a year and a half. It’s strange to talk about our last autumn in this apartment. It doesn’t feel right, still. I have endured some major losses…just holding out for a couple of gains now. ha-ha.

  5. On October 11th, 2011 at 3:10 pm Twistie Says:

    Gains will come, my dear, but losses need to be mourned. As much as you’re relieved to be done with the cafe, it was still a huge part of your life. You’ve just said goodbye to a good friend who moved away. You and your husband are discussing a major move in the not-too-distant future. I’d be more worried about you if you didn’t have a couple points where you need to cocoon for a bit.

    Cocooning is healthy, as long is it doesn’t go on too long. A week or two while you’re between gigs is perfectly reasonable. When you’re ready to come out and play, we’ll do lunch again.

    Pet the puggyman for me and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. So there.

  6. On October 11th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thank you. You always somehow get what I’m going through, even when I don’t. Ha-ha.

  7. On October 11th, 2011 at 8:34 pm thirtiesgirl Says:

    I spent last weekend (including Friday, which I took off from work) home alone, just recharging my batteries, so to speak, curled up on the couch, relaxing, watching a lot of tv, zoning out at times and just being away from the stresses of the rest of the world. I’m a big introvert, so I need to do that for myself at times, especially when job stress really gets to me as it’s been doing for the past several weeks. Once I’ve relaxed, de-stressed and gotten a little bit more in touch with myself, I’m ready to face the work week and the world again and extrovert myself a bit more in order to navigate it.

    I often find that I need to introvert a bit more, spend some time with myself to zone out and re-charge, during times of transition. Transition is stressful for everyone and can be very stressful for an introvert. So when I’m going through it, I often find that having some downtime to myself is really helpful.

    My favorite thing to do is to have some downtime with my significant other, just hang around the apartment not talking, just relaxing and being with each other, without a lot of conversation or other expectations. I think it’s nice to have someone else to share that time with and makes it more meaningful to me. Unfortunately, I don’t have a partner to share downtime with right now, so I just spend the time with me, which works just as well as relaxing with a partner… it just doesn’t seem as special to me.

    I think maybe your psyche is telling you that you need to re-charge, de-stress and slowly work your way through this transitional period in your life. Which is what you did last week, exactly what your brain-body connection suggested that you do. When you’ve re-charged and de-stressed enough, you’ll be ready for more social activities again. That’s pretty much almost always how it goes for me after I’ve had some downtime.

  8. On October 12th, 2011 at 9:28 am Not Blue at All Says:

    thirtiesgirl: You sound a lot like my husband. I on the other hand am not an introvert. I agree with what you said about recharging and all, but it is an odd day in hell that I don’t wanna talk talk talk. Hahaha. I recently found out that introverts are that way by genetics and it is only like 2 percent of the world’s population. Many people will call themselves introverts, but usually they are simply shy or have social anxiety, which I do have. Interesting stuff. I have more articles if you’re interested. Thanks for being so supportive, hun.

  9. On October 12th, 2011 at 8:20 am ElizabethWinston Says:

    Ohh i love scary movies!!
    “Zodiac” is awesome! so is “Kiss the Girls”…so is “From Hell”…So is “Silence of the Lambs” and “Hannibal”.. and “Seven” (although there is a mean scene about fat people.. regarding “gluttony” as one of the Seven deadly sins) I like the more psychological thrilling ones rather than super violent ones, though there are definitely some violent parts in these movies. Let me know if you like any of those..and im just suggesting it because you asked for good scary movies, I’m not a total psycho i promise! <3
    Happy Fall!

  10. On October 12th, 2011 at 9:25 am Not Blue at All Says:

    ElizabethWinston: Yes, but I’ve seen all of those. I should have said in the post that my husband is a long-time horror fanatic. He really wants to see the Human Centipede 2. Me? I can wait for it to hit netflix or on-demand or whatever. I can’t imagine seeing it in the theater, yuck. hahaha. But thank you. I don’t judge people on their movie taste…well, some movies. Ha-ha. I’m so not into frat-boy mentality comedies and such. So I tend to look at people who are in a different light, possibly. But I’m easily swayed. I just love talking about movies. Thanks for your suggestions. If you have more, do lay ’em on me. Also, you mentioned you live in CA in a previous comment? email me: We should talk and who knows, maybe meet up.

  11. On October 12th, 2011 at 5:55 pm thirtiesgirl Says:

    Yep, not many of us introverts around, which is why we often get the short end of the stick, so to speak, when it comes to social assumptions. I’m well versed in the whole introvert-extrovert thing (part of my MA in educational counseling, and just a personal interest of mine), and have done Myers-Briggs typology assessments on myself many times and the result is always INFJ (Intuitive, iNtroverted, Feeling, Judging)… so, yeah, I’m one of those true introverts. But extroverts need some downtime, too, which it sounds like you were were in need of while going through this transition in your life.

    And I totally forgot to mention one of my favorite scary movies in my last post (scary as in suspenseful, not gory or John Carpenter/Scream type horror)… Disney’s Lady In White (1988). The whole feel of the movie is just… spooky, eerie, sends chills down your spine. And stars a young Lucas Haas, 3 years after his ‘break’ as the little Amish boy in the movie Witness. I agree with Elizabeth, too, about Zodiac and Silence of the Lambs. They’re two of my favorite scary/suspenseful movies, although Zodiac is a very interesting character study and a fantastic look at that historical time in SF in the late ’60s/early ’70s. I haven’t seen Kiss the Girls yet, but may have to give it a look and see if it’s as good as the others.

  12. On October 13th, 2011 at 9:38 am Not Blue at All Says:

    thirtiesgirl: Wow! I didn’t mean to condescend to you at all, but I often hear people call themselves introverts who are obviously not, to me at least. You know your stuff and thank the stars for that! Lady in White? Never heard of it. I will have to track it down. I need to see Witness, too, actually. Thank you so much for reminding me! I thought Zodiac was okay, nothing terribly scary/riveting for me, but I am a long time scary movie watcher, so I could just be jaded. Ha! Kiss the Girls the book made me jump out of my chair, the movie was a major disappointment for me. And I love me some Morgan Freeman, but it was all wrong. Though I do think he’s a great Alex Cross. I’ve read most of those James Patterson books. Only stopped a couple of years ago when every book was coming out co-authored and just didn’t have the pace and tone I liked before. I could recommend some pretty messed up movies, but it doesn’t sound like that’s your thing. We recently watched “The Last Exorcism”, mind you after swearing no more exorcist movies as they are all terrible except the original, and it wasn’t terrible. It was interesting, scary, spooky and then just strange and weird…nothing too gross. But I felt that the ending left more questions than answers. I’m a bit of a movie snob I guess. Sorry. Thanks for the suggestions though. Gotta look into that.

  13. On October 13th, 2011 at 3:59 pm thirtiesgirl Says:

    No worries, I didn’t think you were being condescending. And if you like really scary (as in frightening/shocking) movies, you might not like Lady In White. I’m not a big scary movie fan, since I don’t really like to be frightened/shocked while watching a movie. But I do love a good spooky, suspenseful story, and Lady In White definitely delivers.

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