I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Choosing the Upside


I dropped off my bff at the airport about 5am this morning. Too daisy-headed to think properly, I headed home nearly on auto-pilot (don’t worry, I’m a very safe driver). Almost instinctively I grabbed a drive-thru breakfast sandwich and orange juice on my way home. Odd thing for me, but especially at that hour. I couldn’t even get to sleep until 1am and then had to be up at 3:45 am to get out to the airport on time. *Shrugs* Oh well. I was sad, of course, to see her go, but not really thinking about myself in the moment either, more just worried about seeing her off safely.

After a kip, I got up and had some iced coffee and fruit and put on Netflix to soothe my aching head. I’ve been watching “The Inbetweeners” a British show about high school friends and their misadventures. I had another quick snooze and soon awoke to find myself once again alone with my thoughts. Had it really been so long that I’d forgotten what the weight of all my worries feels like? *Sigh* Yep. I’m a silly goose that way I guess. I didn’t even have to try or anything, it was all just there under the surface waiting for me to acknowledge it.

I feel wiped out completely. Exhaustion for sure. Queasy and achy and sore and miserable. And then the worries…the fucking tidal wave of all my worries!!! “YOU’RE MOVING IN TWO WEEKS IDIOT!” “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, LAZY ASS?!” “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LAYING ABOUT?!” “YOU’RE A FUCKING LOSER AND EVERYONE ONLY PITIES YOU!” Nice, brain. Thanks a bunch. Ugh! I finally just melt into my puggo’s side and give him a snuggle and try my best to make it all stop.

It’s true that I move in two weeks and I haven’t packed a single thing. I haven’t had time! Also, I’ve been job hunting! Got a new lead on a start-up this morning, too, so who knows?! But crap, life just hit me like a ton of bricks today! It’s like the very moment I stop worrying about someone else, BAM! All of the ugliness creeps back into my head after weeks and weeks of work to get rid of it. So, I’m giving myself the day to just be miserable and lazy and to rest and heal and process and whatever else I need to do today. I will begin packing tomorrow!

Screenshot 2015-06-16 at 5.03.05 PM

Also watching a show about teenage boys and their absurdities in their pursuit of love and happiness has made me look at where I’m at with those things and what I really want out of life (it might be sex, but it might be travel? Professional sleep expert? Ha-ha!). I know, all over again?! Yeah. Guess it never ends. I don’t know what my passion in life is anymore. I don’t know what sort of job would actually not suck the very soul from my being. I’d like to know, I’m trying to find out, but it’s super hard and not a quick and easy endeavor.

The dance show was fantastic, by the way. Tigress and I really sparkled (literally and figuratively)! I wasn’t even nervous! Many people said they could see how much fun I was having on stage and that really meant a lot to me. I don’t know that I’ve gotten any better at accepting compliments (I may have insulted my bff as a way of trying to avoid compliments all together, sorry doll!!!). It’s especially difficult when folks you look up to lay on the compliments. I am the worst! So awkward I should get a fucking crown or sash or title or something… “Her ladyship, the duchess of awkwardness and world class fatoteur…” (as in saboteur, but I just fat up the joint!).

Choosing to see the upside in feeling lousy and alone at home today I realized that I like how I look walking around the house in my underwear and a t-shirt knotted beneath my bra-less boobs. Yay! Also? Zero fucks about body stuff. I mean???? What is the point even?! My double belly is the shit and I don’t care if no one else thinks so! 😛

So, that’s where I’m at today. At least Mercury’s no longer in retrograde, eh? Ha-ha! Here’s to doing our best in not bogging ourselves down with unnecessary thoughts of self loathing! Fuck it! What’s on your “fuck it” list today?

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