I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

“‘Cause Sunbeams Are Not Made Like Me”


I know my last post sounded dire, to be honest it felt that way at the time. Being unemployed is an emotional roller coaster. I cannot stress that enough, especially to folks who’ve never had to look for work or been out of work for extended periods of time. It’s fucking brutal! But things have improved…

I’ve had a birthday, gone on a road trip, caught up with many friends I’d been missing and had loads of interviews (mostly phone, some in-person). I’ve had to become a bit of a hard nose through the process or I just won’t get heard, but I think it’s working as I’ve some leads, interviews and follow ups in the pipeline.

I have been surprised by some of the people in my life lately, though. Folks I consider to be my closest of friends have shown a great lack of compassion and kindness towards me. To the extent that I suddenly felt uncomfortable talking about myself or my troubles at all. I felt unsafe talking to anyone for awhile. I was getting a lot of pressure surrounding my birthday, but when the day came it arrived with more surprise as to who even gave a flying fuck.

I have felt the need to quietly go about my days doing my best to not reach out to anyone or asking too much of them. I feel as though people are avoiding me and quite frankly I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted or spend time with people who would rather be elsewhere. Why can’t people just be fucking honest?!

For those who have been kind or simply willing to share time or a meal with me, it’s been refreshing and rejuvenating. I’ve had some difficulty mitigating my anxiety when confronted with overall awkward situations (is this real life?!), which I’ve now discovered that I become silent when it’s all too much to take in. I’m usually a very talkative person. *Shrugs* What can ya do?

I’m feeling good this week, though. I’m taking things day by day and when that’s too much, hour by hour. I’m doing my best to not over think things, to not think too far ahead or get my hopes up. It’s a journey and a process and I’m working on everything and doing my damnedest to stay afloat. My puggyman certainly helps with that. And some of my friends, even ones I wouldn’t have expected to be there for me that way (B).

My boyfriend is, well, the most amazing person in my world! He has so much faith in me and sees me as this incredible person who can do anything. I miss feeling that way about myself, I won’t lie, but it is nice to have someone who loves me so unconditionally and reminds me of my talents and abilities. I may not have family (in that sort of way), but I do have an incredible partner who I feel so safe with. I am without words as to how grateful I am to have him in my life. #GeekLove

I’ve been struggling most, lately, with the passage of time. How is the year nearly over?! I forget what day or date it is often. I can’t believe November is half done with. But I did discover that my unemployed status grants me access to financial assistance for health insurance…so long as I don’t use it, it should only be $1 a month! Ha-ha! I don’t want to even think about what happens when I do have to use it, but I will hopefully not have to cross that bridge and will be gainfully employed very soon. *CrossesAllAppendages*

I guess it’s the financial part that is the toughest to handle. It takes such a toll on a person. I nearly had a panic attack after buying something over the weekend. It was a sweater, I had a coupon. BUT it felt like I was going to die tomorrow the moment I stepped out of the store. I wanted to rush back to return it but my bf insisted I needed it and deserved something nice for myself. I won’t argue, but in my head was a tornado of misery. It literally felt like a storm swirling around up there. I felt my throat tighten and just looked at my bf in the eyes, pleadingly and said, “Please distract me from what’s in my head right now!” And he did, thank the stars! I do find such value in distractions these days.

I’ve been struggling, too, with the passing of someone in my peer group. We were best friends in 7th grade. Haven’t had much contact since. I reached out to her many years ago, she took months to respond and then never contacted me again. When an old friend informed me of her recent struggle with cancer I was surprised, but perhaps not for the reasons most would be. I was surprised they felt the need to tell me. I mean, why? What could I have done? I had no way of contacting her, nor would I know what to say. I’m not even sure why they felt the need to tell me.

My 7th grade bff died on Halloween. I only found out a couple of days ago. In fact, I found out from her long time and current bff. Someone I have also not had contact with since Junior High School. I am greatly confused by all of this. It is sad news, don’t get me wrong. I know she was surrounded by loved ones. I just don’t know what was expected of me or even how to feel about it. I still don’t know, really. I didn’t know her. I don’t know any of the people from back then. None have kept in touch, none have reached out or attempted to get to know me or be a part of my life or even chat on fucking facebook! I am sad for the loss of life, of course, but I’m not sure what people think of me or what I should be doing or feeling about it all. And due to interactions with other people making me feel uncomfortable last month, I’ve only spoken of this to one trusted and dear friend of mine.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is other than to give a bit of an update. I’ve been posting a lot of articles and things on this blog’s Facebook page, I do hope you’ll “Like” it and share what’s on your mind there, too. I want to get back into writing/blogging again, I’m just not sure where to start or what y’all would want to read. I will make an attempt and see how it feels. That is all I can promise right now. Please feel free to drop me a line, share your woes or victories, check in or vent about something:

All my love,


posted under Uncategorized

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

Subscribe to my feed