My husband and I recently watched the documentary, “Pregnant In America” on our Netflix instant watch (gotta love it). I had wanted to see it for awhile. Having previously watched “The Business of Being Born” another birthing in the US related doc by Rikki Lake and, “At Your Cervix” where the truth behind pelvic exams was revealed. All great documentaries! I highly recommend them all if you are even remotely interested in having a child in the United States of America. Because a lot of what we’ve been told, taught or marketed to in regards to women’s bodies and reproductive health, is, well…BULLSHIT!!!

I was born in a hospital. No complications, just a typical 1977 birth. My younger brother and sister, however, were born at home with a midwife. They, too, had no complications in their births (or should I say our mom didn’t). Yet somewhere along the line I grew a nice big prejudice against home births. I am not entirely sure why, other than I typically will rebel against anything my mother is for (I have not seen her in over 15 years). But getting my info on and watching these incredible documentaries has completely changed my mind!

I had grown fearful, over the last couple of years, of having a kid because of a lot of things. Mostly passing on genetic stuff, but also because there’s a damned good chance that I’ll have a fat child (who may also end up with my hair color, not bad, but kids are merciless towards redheads). Would the government take my child away because it’s fat? I couldn’t bear the thought of living through that. Or would I even get a say in the birth of my child while also being seen as too fat for anything in the eyes of the medical world? I read the blog WellRoundedMama and have found some great articles/info/resources there, but that fear still lingers.

When I read this post on AmpleProportions I was quickly reminded of my fears and the real threat to our rights as women in America, let alone the rights of the fat! Watching “Pregnant in America” sort of snapped me back to my germaphobic self in a way: hospitals are for the very ill, not for the newly born! I mean, babies don’t belong there! They don’t have fully formed immune systems and who knows who is touching your baby and if they’re washing their hands appropriately?! My husband has long said that he doesn’t want to have our baby in a hospital because they snatch it away from you the moment it’s released from the birth canal and instantly inject, weigh, test, “clean”, etc… when the natural thing is to clutch the infant to the mother’s breast, leaving the placenta in-tact for awhile, so that the natural hormones kick in and do what they need to do: Bond, initiate natural breast feeding and so much more.

Is it possible that the rise in postpartum depression has something to do, directly, with the westernized pathology of handling birth? To inject drugs (epidural) into the spine of the mother (can lead to so many problems I don’t even wanna talk about right now) so that she cannot feel the baby moving and may even be temporarily paralyzed until after the baby is born? You see, we’re natural baby makers, women. We and our bodies know exactly what to do, if we are unaltered and uninhibited. We will find the right position for us while giving birth, naturally! While OB/GYN’s have been trained to find pathology and complications where none exist all in the name of efficiency and profit! Laying on your back, legs splayed in the air, is not only not natural, but damned uncomfortable while pushing out a baby! I have completely changed my mind and I have no intention of going anywhere near a sick house (hospital) unless it’s an absolute emergency. They don’t want me anyway, I’m fat and have no insurance. Fuck ’em!

I’m not pregnant and don’t have immediate plans to get there, but if and/or when  I am ready, I thank the stars above that these films and the experts and resources available today are there to inform and help me along the way. I cannot stand the thought of not being in control of my own body or infant. To interfere with a natural thing? Well, that’s bullshit! I won’t stand for it and I most certainly will not pay for it!

You know when you get a new bra, how it’s suppose to just fit the last row of tabs? It’s sort of tight/snug, but not unbearably so, so you just deal. Well, that is how it was for me at least. But the last time I bought a pack of bra extenders I found out the hard way that they simply don’t (or very rarely) come in a row of five like my actual bras do. Having just purchased four new bras and not wanting to just deal with the initial tightness of them, I decided to take matters into my own hands…literally!

I took a pair of scissors and snatched the two broken bras from my trash can and cut the hooks and tabs out of them. You can see in the first photo here that one side is all tabs and the other is a row of hooks. I wasn’t sure at first how I’d go about attaching them, but I just went ahead and dove in head first! I simple flipped the hooks under the tabs and sewed them (I do have a machine, though I’m not fully skilled at using it yet) on the opposite side (facing the appropriate way so that they could be used of course). I couldn’t manage to sew a straight-across line with all of the hardware in there, so instead I went in short bursts between each hook:

You can see on the beige one (’cause I used black thread) where my stitches are. I made one black and one beige since that is what I had on-hand and pretty much all I wear. And they worked like a fucking charm, I tell ya! Perfection! They fit, I don’t even notice them when they’re on and best of all my new bras fit spectacularly! It took me all of five or so minutes and didn’t cost me a dime! I love stuff like this.

Do you have a cheap and simple DIY projects you’d like to share? Hit me up! I’d love to post about it here and try it for myself, too! notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Hey everyone! How are you? How was your weekend? I had a bit of a long one. Whew! Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday actually, but I’m feeling good.

Today’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from yours truly! I hadn’t received a submission from a reader in awhile and the last couple were from my very generous friends. So I wanted to jump back into the fray with you all, sleeveless and proud! Okay, no, that’s not entirely true. By the time this picture was taken I was proud, but most of the evening I felt terribly self conscious. I even grabbed a matching cardigan “in case I got cold” which is ridiculous as it was very hot that day. We had some friends over for dinner and I wanted to look cute, but…Nicole gave me this dress. Isn’t it lovely? I adore it! It’s not something I would ever buy for myself, but would fawn over in it the store only to walk away from it. Isn’t it strange how I was fine being sleeveless several different days last week (more tops from Nicole! Thank you gurl!!!) yet this dress put me right on edge?! My husband was very kind and encouraging, even when I threatened to change about four times. I think that’s the key though, to getting over this hump? Repetition! Because I was fine in the sleeveless tops I wore that week, but the dress? Why did it freak me out so? By the end of the night I couldn’t have cared less about my damned arms, but at the start I was beside myself with “OMZ! They will see my armz!”  And I am so sick of that! Why should I have to worry about how my bare arms make someone else feel? I’m done!

Okay, and then I see pics of myself like this and I think, “Wow! I look younger than I feel! Ha-ha!” Just sayin’! The dress is from Old Navy, but no clue as to when she bought it. It’s a 4x and is roomy up top, I may take it in a tad so it won’t pook out on the sides as much. but I love the colors! The accent looks red, but it’s a coral color trim. Lovely!

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion/venting area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)

**Friend of the blog Erylin, has a clothing swap coming up in Kansas city mo. we will be having one on September 25th at the north Kansas city library right off of armour and I-35. (if you need more info leave a reply and we will connect you somehow). **

“This show has taught me that there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering. And that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. Even people who believe they deserve to be happy and have nice things, often don’t feel worthy once they have them. There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing that you are worthy of happiness.”

“We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough…

This show has taught me that you are worthy because you are born and because you are here. You’re being here, you’re being alive, makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”

“We are all looking for validation. Every person you will ever meet, shares that common desire. They wanna know, do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? …Try it with your husband, your wife, your boss, your friends, validate them: I see you, I hear you. And what you say, matters to me.” Oprah Winfrey (Her very last episode)

The above quotes weighed heavily upon me and stayed in my thoughts for a few days after the fact. I just watched her last three episodes last week. I’d saved them and put off watching for some reason. Good stuff, honestly! I was surprised. I’ve never followed Oprah closely. I’ve admired and respected her from a distance. You probably know why, too. That she is self & fat hating. But I do think she has begun to see the error of that thinking as time goes on. But this concept of unworthiness? That struck me! Like a bolt of non-lethal lightening!

Worthiness. We see that as something attainable, somehow. Yet just living makes us all worthy! I love that! You are enough! Just as you are! I wanna shout these phrases from rooftops, y’all! I feel like it’s something that shouldn’t be a secret. For all I have been through in my lifetime, all that I have seen and been a witness to, all that I work for and toward…To know that I am still worthy? That is meaningful to me. I feel more grounded by the thought of that. It connects us to each other. It connects us, I hope, to our planet. I feel more a part of the universe itself, it’s limitlessness humbling and comforting me.

And it also terrifies me. To grow up feeling the need to prove myself worthy is a difficult thing to shake. I still catch myself trying. I hear myself say things to prove what I say or believe or just know. As much as I try to focus on the energy I bring with me where ever I go, I still find that I am that poor kid. Maybe now more than ever because I understand things I never did before. I have a different perspective than I could have had back then. My defenses may never leave me, but perhaps one day I will stop feeling the need to prove myself to anyone…even to myself.

This is where fat liberation connects to worthiness. Fat liberation (I know many of you prefer or have only heard acceptance, it’s the same thing really, but I prefer liberation), gave me the permission I needed to live my life now. To just accept and love and enjoy myself and my life. It gave me hope and cause and reason and passion. What am I saying, it gave me…it still gives me these things!!! It fuels my fires, baby! Ha-ha! Fat liberation gave me a new prescription in my spectacles that allows me to see beyond the mass-fed bullshit! And I love that!

And I am worthy. And you are worthy. And why can’t we just take that with us everywhere? (Where is my worthiness backpack?) I want to. I want to take it and share it with everyone I know! This should be part of the UN or something, I dunno. But it’s so important! This is amazing! This is a universal communication:

Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?

Think about that awhile. Think about actively using it. I want to. I will try to.  I have said such things to my friends, but I wonder how that feels to hear it? I mean, without some sort of prompt? I guess it could come off as strange or pushy, maybe…well, I won’t stop. It’s such a powerfully positive thing! I had no idea such a simple concept/word could affect us all so strongly. But it does and I feel better for knowing it!

Happy Friday to you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and letting me know when something I say means something to you. You make me feel worthy. You are worthy, too! <3

“Nobody, but you, is responsible for your life. It doesn’t matter what your mama did, it doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do. You are responsible for Your life. And what is your life? What is all life? What is Every flower, every rock, every tree, every human being? Energy. And you’re responsible for the energy that you create for yourself. And you’re responsible for the energy that you bring to others.” Oprah Winfrey (from her very last episode)

This can be a difficult concept for many to fully understand let alone believe or try to incorporate into their own lives. I’m actually a firm believer, but not fully there in practice yet. I work on it everyday. I notice it most, though, when around people who have no idea what energy they bring with them everywhere. Have you ever been at a friend’s or perhaps at a party and someone arrives and the energy of the entire room shifts? Not always in a negative way, mind you, but it definitely changes.

Last week my husband and I were having this very deep conversation, and it was almost like a stream of consciousness type of thing for me, but the phone rang and so I got up to pee while he answered it and we just couldn’t find where we were again, energetically, and so we dropped it. While having that conversation, though the topics were heavy and dark, I felt sort of energized or like I was tapping into something important. Once that phone rang (oh noes! The outside world!) the spell was broken.

It’s sort of like when I was a kid hanging out at my BFF Riana’s house all day long and then it began to get dark but we didn’t want our good times to end so we would beg our parents for a sleepover. We felt like there was just no way for us to pick up where we left off the next day, ya know? It felt like the end of the world. Like a big bummer cloud decided to park right over us and pour down it’s bummer-ness. Boo!

I find that as I become more mindful of my own energy and how I carry it with me, the more sensitive I am to negative types. I mean, I can generally make conversation with anybody, but sometimes I will be frozen in place by someone’s total negative vibes, man. It can feel suffocating. It can stop me in my tracks, literally! Yet I would probably never feel comfortable enough to explain that to them. How could I? Yet they affect me so greatly.

I do know that when I am feeling drained/low/exhausted/stressed, it helps for me to sort of check in with myself energy-wise. What made me feel this way? Can I do anything about it now? What would help? Is there a first step I can take to get the ball rolling? If it’s all no’s, then I breathe deeply a few times, listening closely to my breaths and try to picture something tranquil. It doesn’t always work, but it can help a bit. I’m not talking about severe anxiety/panic episodes. Just blah-ness or feeling rough in general.

How do you channel or use your own energy? What have you experienced in regards to others’ energy affecting you? I’d love to hear more thoughts and ideas on this subject. Thanks for reading! <3