This morning as I was waiting for my large, iced, soy white mocha (no whip, thanks) at Peet’s, the barista said to me, “Oh you’re hair looks so cute today!” and I was in utter shock! I leaned over to her, “Me?! Are you serious?” she replied, “Yes! It’s so cute!” I stepped back and looked around and then said, “I swear to you, all I did was roll out of bed and run a brush through it. Thank you so much! You made me feel so much better!!!” and we both laughed. It was a bit of an odd exchange. It’s not like she sees me everyday or even very often, but it was so nice of her to say that.

Truth is this isn’t the first time someone has shocked me with a compliment when I’m feeling especially icky or low. It’s nice and all, but occasionally it can be jarring, too. This morning, for example, I was barely even awake! At first I really didn’t think she was talking to me, but looking around I realized I was surrounded by short haired dudes and figured that it had to be me, right? Most people don’t compliment a guy’s do by calling it “cute.” But I accepted the compliment in the end, which is still not an easy thing for me to do, but I am determined to get better at it! I consider it an important life skill.

So what is up with this outsider perspective thing? How can someone see me/us as something we cannot? I’ll take a stab at it, but I’d love your input as well, okay? So I think because we see ourselves through this inner lens, which differs based on mood and current events, we can’t truly see ourselves outside of that lens. Does that make sense? Like, I felt all crusty and sleepy, but I did manage to brush my hair (and I had forgotten at the time that I’d put a tiny barrette in there) , but someone else saw my weak attempt as awesome and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! Ha-ha!

We see ourselves at our best, our worst, our everyday and we hear what others think of us our entire lives. Yet we are usually surprised when we see a good picture of ourselves, right? While I have managed to embrace the “bad” pictures of myself and even celebrate them (if you’re my facebook friend, you know what I’m talking about). Sometimes though, even I am shocked by what the camera captures. “Is that really me?!” When others thing we look amazing, all we see are our flaws. We see those minute details no one would even bother to look for or even see/notice!

And what do we do when our BFF/spouse/friend/sibling/etc is feeling blue? “Oh but you look fantastic!” *HeadDesk* We think it’s okay to lift someone up with the same thing. Hilarious! Except it’s not, really. Why are looks so important? Why do we reinforce these concepts? Has society always behaved this way? Did ancient Romans and Egyptians tell each other their hair was looking extra good that day? I honestly don’t know (but I’ll assume only the wealthy had nice hair anyway, right?). How does it make you feel when you’re feeling pretty low on the old self esteem, when someone compliments you on your looks?

I will say that the best mood/self-esteem/etc lifter for me is a fat event or meet up! Nothing makes me feel more empowered and beautiful and strong and amazing than hanging out with rad fatties! I can’t explain it, but it’s like just being instantly accepted and loved without a word spoken. You just know it! You just feel it! It’s awesome! Some of you may be thinking, “Well, that’s great for you, but I have no rad fatties in my life!” Pssshhht!!! If you can’t hang out with rad fatties in person, why not have a rad fatty dance party online through skype or google+?! You can get a web cam on Amazon for $5 (I got the green apple shaped one, it rocks!) and get your fat pride on! Start a meet up group (if you would like suggestions/guidance, email me!)! Seek out local BBW nights at dance clubs! There are lots of things going on, especially in the summer. Let’s lift each other up! Build our fat community and spread the love the world over! <3

Yesterday was my last true day at the cafe. And I had never received so many compliments in one day…ever! I didn’t dress up or wear make up, shit, I didn’t even brush my hair! Just slapped a big hot pink flower headband on that bitch and headed out the door! Ha-ha! I was told I was smiling bigger than ever before. Huh, hadn’t thought of that as an outfit accessory. But it was true, I was smiling and happy and so ready to walk away entirely. What I also hadn’t counted on was my own body issues becoming more apparent. Oops!

Night before last, we were suiting up to go swimming with out niece and my MIL. I thought I heard a bunch of kids in the pool and cringed. My husband asked what was up and I explained that I get anxiety from the thought of being in a pool full of kids. And he said that yes, he realized this as well (about me) and that my body issues aren’t entirely resolved. I said to him, “Well, yeah! Everyone has body issues.” and left it at that. Then later his mom mentioned the length of my swim suit after I called it a swim dress. It goes down to my knees, y’all! It’s one of those sporty Junonia numbers with the zipper in front (got it on clearance for a steal a year or two ago). It’s so comfortable and keeps my boobs in place (which I need) and I like it. It’s not terribly stylish, but I’m all about comfort, so fuck it!

But it’s true. I do still struggle. I am not a Fatkini Riot-er. It’s not that I didn’t want a new swim suit this year, it’s just that we are fucking poor and they cost so damned much! Even looking at the clearance ones at Torrid the other day, I either didn’t like them or they were too expensive. As I explained to my husband though, it’s not so much my body specifically, as my armpit cysts and other similar anomalies. My niece pointed to my armpit yesterday and said, “Oh you have mosquito bites, too?” and I had to explain that it was either heat rash or cysts. UGH!

And there is fuck all I can do about it. I cover them for my comfort, no one elses. When my pits aren’t inflamed, I’ll go sleeveless. I honestly don’t mind it now. But huge red blotchy sores? No thanks, not wanting the world to see ’em. Is that so wrong? That’s not the whole story though, is it? I don’t like how my waist line looks bare. I have a permanant pink/red line that goes along it and wouldn’t dream of showing it to anyone, ever…except my husband. I am getting used to showing more of my bare legs, but that is still and may always be a struggle for me. Part of me will always be a scruffy tom boy, no matter what frilly things I put on.

And so I reflect and ponder and consider these issues while also wondering what tomorrow will bring. I am so optimistic about the future now. I know that the universe chose to take mercy on me and nothing short of a (I hate to use the word, but) miracle took place so that I could sell my cafe. In this economy it is truly a wonder that we’ve been able to struggle along this long! But I am humbled and ever so grateful for all that has transpired these last 2-3 years. And I am trying my best to enjoy this in-between time. I slept in this morning (an hour), I am playing fetch with my puggyman, I am listenting to music instead of morning radio! *Sigh* So nice! Peace and space. This is what I needed all along!

Now, to sort through this paperwork and tax business?! Ha-ha! And dust off the old resume. They still use those, don’t they? Resumes? Ha-ha! It seems like everything has changed since I’ve been out of the workforce. But I suppose that is a post unto itself.

What body issues do you still struggle with? What one part of your body would you never show the world, why? What kind of bathing suit do you rock at the pool or beach? Are you a proud fatkini riot-er? I want to hear the good and the bad. The proud and the shy! Why? Because you ALL amaze the shit out of me! <3

So the big news I was waiting on was a possible buyer for my cafe. And after many offers, much back and forth and high hopes, I have sold the cafe as of Monday, August 8th. It is such a relief, as some of you may know, to no longer have the stress of everyday small business ownership. I will be training the new owner today and hopefully that is all. He wants me to stay through Saturday, but I just really want to move on, ya know? The cafe gave me so much these last two years. It’s given me a new perspective, lots of new friends and the chance to challenge myself everyday and watch what I can do with sheer determination!

Now the big question on everyone’s lips: What are ya gonna do now? And my answer: I don’t know, dude! Ha-ha!

Honestly? I just wanna find a nice job with a decent, but  more importantly, steady paycheck. The cafe wasn’t a dream of mine, but a project I felt compelled to complete. That behind me, I feel more free to follow whatever dreams do pop up or come to mind. I have lots of ideas, many of them fat related, but for now money and stability are on my brain. My husband wants to move up to the Santa Cruz mountains and I am seriously considering that as a possibility now. To be surrounded by redwood trees? Hmm, that doesn’t sound so bad at all!

I would like to thank you all for your support. I know I’ve had some mini breakdowns and y’all have helped me through that so much! Thank you to those who were able to come visit me at the cafe and to those who wanted to. Thank you all! <3

It is bittersweet of course. I truly surprised myself by accomplishing exactly what I set out to do. I hadn’t done any of that or anything like that before. It just goes to show what can happen when you are passionate and willing to step outside of your comfort zone. But I could not have done it had I not discovered and embraced fat acceptance/liberation wholly and completely! It gave me the confidence to trust in myself and the support of so many wonderful people all over the world. And they say fat is bad? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Seems  it’s done nothing but good for me, but hey, I could be the exception.

Thanks again! *Hugs*

Today’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from Heather of the fabulous blog FatGirlPosing.BlogSpot.com

My arms are fat and I love them. I spent 13 years wearing long pants and long sleeves. Finding the fat acceptance movement has not only done wonders for how I feel about myself and my body, but it’s been fantastic for my wardrobe and my comfort. They’re just arms! What’s the big deal? And I have so much more fun with my friends and family when I’m not worried the entire time about how I look. Enjoying life is far more important than who’s offended by my rolls.

Thank you for the fab pic, Heather! Be sure to check out her blog often (sometimes NSFW & generally better for a mature audience)!

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like included in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)

We all have someone in our lives that maybe we’ve never mentioned fat liberation/acceptance to or perhaps they didn’t quite understand what that is or didn’t take it seriously..in any case, there may come a time when the Fat Conversation must take place. Or maybe it comes from out of the blue, the unbearable urge to have it! Yeah, that’s where I’m at. Here I am, big ole fat activist and all, when suddenly my mother in law (MIL) flies into town all of a sudden (had 5 days notice?!) and right off the bat is some negative and weighty comment (no pun intended) about fat. *HeadDesk*

That happened last  night and I think I was somehow awestruck. I didn’t have a single word to say; it wasn’t directed at me anyway. And I let it sort of hang in the air awhile before even truly pondering it. And now we’ve hung out the entire day together and all I’ve managed to say after many body disparagement from her (about herself, her son, her daughter-in-law and her granddaughter…hmm, somehow no comment about moi?) was one line, “You know it’s Be Body Positive Day?” *NervousLaugh*

Mega-fail! What is wrong with me? Why didn’t/couldn’t I say anything? I get along with my MIL perfectly, like good friends. I’ve already have plenty of alone time to get this out of the way, so to speak, yet somehow I just don’t know how to start the, “you know fat isn’t bad or unhealthy” convo. How DO you start that conversation? She’s been inundated (and thoroughly invested) in the “science” and “wisdom” and all the diet industry has had to offer (or force feed) her entire life! How do you even begin to broach that topic? She knows how bad aspartame is (my husband is near religious on it’s evils and has explain them to her), but she still drinks the shit and says, “I know, I know!”

It kills me most when she says these things about her granddaughter/my neice. Even buying her a beverage and then going on and on about it’s 34 grams of sugar! The horror!!! Yet she has zero problem ordering her white bread and other such “bad” foods. I just don’t get it. But of course, I took the red pill…didn’t I?!

It is so hard. It’s like speaking another language. It’s like having this secret (secret of awesomeness!) that may make you feel like this other person will think you’re a freak for sharing. But shit, man, I don’t wanna keep this goodness to myself, I do want everyone to know about it. I have rarely ever had a difficult time talking about fat, so why is it so hard now?

I think part of the trouble for me is that she will be here for the next two weeks, all day everday. If something goes awry, we’re all kind of stuck together, right?! I don’t wanna offend or cause any trouble/drama, BUT!~!!!

I would love your advice/suggestions. How do I begin the conversation? What can I say to make it simple to understand? I want to share positive body messages with my niece, too. But when MIL remarked that her Wii character had a “big butt!!!” and niece responded, “WHAT?!” in shock and disgust? I feel like a damned alien in my own home! I love her dearly. She is a very good/kind person, would give you the shirt off her back in a blizzard, BUT?!~?!!

Thank you all in advance for your input on this. I cannot tell you how you’ve all impacted me in so many positive ways! If you read and/or comment on this blog, you are amazing and fabulous!!! <3