Here is another step in my Big Fat Summer Challenge Journey! Wow! I hadn’t realized how much body shame I still had within me. Sad to say it, but not ashamed to talk about it, my legs are maybe the hardest for me to show. I was a tomboy as a kid and never went out of my way to show my legs since bruises and scrapes were the norm, even into my teens.

Saturday night My husband and BFF went to see another BFF in a play called “Shakespeare 3 Ways” in San Jose, CA. I attempted a nap when I got home from work, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. The outside noise and an excited puppy in the house just wasn’t letting me have the peace I needed. No worries, I was excited to go and laid on the bed thinking of what to wear. Well, what I imagined would be funky and fabulous turned out not to work at all. So, I went with the old $15 Avenue dress made famous by Lesley Kinzel of Fatshionista.com I’ve worn it twice now, but hadn’t previously done so without leggings and not out and about in such a very public way.

I hand’t realized how much of my legs I was showing until we were walking to the car and the breeze decided to give me a hard time. This dress, yo, is very lightweight and cottony and delightful, but a breeze makes it go all over. Yes, I had black biker shorts underneath for the prevention of the chub-rub we all know and love (NOT). I was still so very conscious of how much of my legs were there for all to see. YIKES! I questioned weather or not my friend and husband would hate me if I made a dash back upstairs and to the comfort of my usual t-shirt & jeans…but chose to brave it!

We had dinner and were nearly too late for the show. But we made it with 5 minutes to spare. The show was delightful, my friend Jery of Theactorvist.com dazzled all in attendance as did his co-stars. Just lovely! I was also delighted to see a fattie intro the show. She seemed so not self-conscious, too. Made me smile! And as we were leaving after ward she even complimented my dress!  Very nice gal.

I admit that I was seriously struggling with this whole showing my legs thing (and worse, MY KNEES). When I mentioned it to my husband he seemed surprised but said I looked great and not to worry. Glad my terror wasn’t showing! It was eye opening for me though. That such a simple and seemingly harmless act could put me in such a scary head space. But I did it, dammit! And here I am, posting it for you to all gander at. *sigh*

This pic was taken at the end of the evening, around 1:30 am after my good friends left. I was so tired by night’s end. Also, my back was killing me from my long day’s work and evening’s events. Ugh! What can I say? So, I consider this a big step for me and my BFSC adventures. I should have more coming by week’s end and will hopefully get my list done in time to enter the contest. If not I am thankful that you all have been reading and following me in this. I do it for the fatties who can’t or don’t or won’t for whatever their own personal reasons. But I do it so that they know they are not alone as I know I am not alone. To be publicly fat is at times a very scary thing. But for me, not doing so is worse.

I hold my head high despite my own shame. I keep it in my figurative pocket and save it for later so that I may enjoy the moment and perhaps learn from facing this fear. I am determined to make things like this easier for myself and my husband. I want to feel more confident the next time I wear this dress. I will now, too.

Thank you for reading and please, leave a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject and anything else you might share. 

Listening to the Fatcast: Two Whole Cakes has been such a comfort and a little therapeutic for me lately. It really is like listening to two BFFs chit chat about all things fat. I love it! In one episode they mention early fat shopping buys and experiences and the discuss something I hadn’t thought of but just now found myself shopping and realized that I do it, too. The whole “I’ll Never Find This Again” syndrome.

You see, plus size clothing options are already pretty dang limited. I get that with the internet we have a much larger selection than ever before, but there’s issues with that, too. Sizing is all crazy, no matter what store/brand you still have to try on or check measurements and then HOPE those measurements were true…UGH! Exhausting and not so fun actually.

Marianne and Lesley mention having things simply because they thought they would never find anything like it again, even if it didn’t fit right or comfortable. Story of my life! Or the ever popular, looked great in the store, not so much at home. Or it fits fine, but wears awful: Chafing, bunching, riding up…NO THANKS!

So, a month or so ago my husband says to me, “Do you think you might have a clothing addiction?” he seemed serious, but I could tell he didn’t want to freak me out. Well, I was sort of offended. It stuck with me awhile. I explained to him that day that women must dress for occasion and don’t have the luxury of simply changing a shirt to complete a look for an event, etc. He only half bought that.

Now? Now I think that I don’t have an addiction, but I do have a case of the “I’ll Never Find This Again-itis!” Things I have bought over the last several years in hopes of finding what could be my own unique style. Alas, this just isn’t what’s accumulated in my closet, dressers & big basket of WHOA! (Or possibly Woe.)

As I do every so often, I shall purge and see what I can sell/donate/reconstruct/etc. I have no idea what the results will be, but I have a lot of trying on and prioritizing to do. Hopefully this will give more space to my well loved clothes and get rid of things I’ve only worn once.

And yet…I get a dollar in my pocket (so to speak) and what do I do but go on eBay and search for Mexican embroidered peasant tops in my size. DAMN! But I do love them and I only have one and I cherish it so! It’s from LB years ago. I paid close to $50 for it and it still fits. Though it seems shorter than I recall, but I still wear it with pride when The weather warms and I’m feeling a little more confident in my arm showings.

Do you have a closet of I’ll Never Find This Again? Tell me about it! =0)

Some fluff, thoughts and even some neat-o stuff I thought would be of use:

I really liked this article about conversational phrases. Go beyond the usual chit-chat!
http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5338&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=68352

While I cannot stand the word they use in this article “Obesogens” there are some useful facts about chemicals in food:
(Trigger warning: mentions weight loss, dieting and other related talk)
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/loveyourbody/why-you-cant-lose-those-last-10-pounds-1964849/

12 things retailers do to get us to spend more, more and more:
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/financiallyfit/12-spending-schemes-we-fall-for-2029497/

9 myths & facts about lightening!
http://green.yahoo.com/blog/the_conscious_consumer/143/nine-myths-and-facts-about-lightning.html

Brain teasers and optical illusions:
http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/brain-teasers/brain-teasers-and-optical-illusions/1400154

2011 Betty White calendar to benefit Morris Animal Foundation: I LOVE IT
http://www.stylelist.com/2010/07/08/betty-white-calendar-2011/

Adipositivity = Fabulous!
http://adipositivity.phototage.com/archives/9478_1745602162/348037
This one makes me completely unable to stop smiling:
http://adipositivity.phototage.com/archives/9478_1745602162/347764

This blog makes me daydream:
http://ohjoy.blogs.com/

This blog makes me giddy for a new project:
http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/
Oh the possibilities!!!

This is terrible, awesome, funny and creepy:

What are your plans for this weekend? Are you happy it’s Friday? I have to work tomorrow, but still plan on enjoying my Friday this evening. Woot for the weekend!  =0)

“Pinhole” lens                        “Fish-eye” lens

“Drawing” lens

The babies! Hover-cat & Melty-pup!

I wanted to share with you a male fatshion perspective. What a breath of fresh air! And yes, he’s wearing white:

http://red3.blogspot.com/2010/07/fat-man-wearing-white.html

Fattastic! So elegant and classy! I certainly don’t want to objectify this man, whom I respect, but he could stop traffic in that suit! So very handsome. He’s also a fantastic FA blogger. Please, check out his blog!

Last night on my long drive home from work, I was listening to KPFA (as per my usual) and heard a report where they were talking about food banks and pantries and how the face of poverty is changing. The middle class is dwindling right into poverty and how we’re not prepared for this major change. There is an ordinance up for vote in Los Angeles that would make it easier for local business to donate foods that are still good without threat of legal repercussions. Basically, the food and safety regulations currently in place do not allow for this because of set time guidelines or other guidelines that dictate how long a certain food may be kept/stored/served. This is why grocery stores often have to throw out perfectly good food, if they didn’t they could be sued for a number of reasons. This new ordinance would cost the state/city/fed zero dollars and actually cut waste that would otherwise head straight to our landfills.

Well, all of this got me thinking about that changing “face of poverty” and an idea/image popped into my head that made me catch my breath, think and just feel pretty sick overall. I also think it’s a real thing and could happen and well, LA isn’t exactly the fat friendliest place on earth, but…

Can you imagine a fat standing in line for food at a food bank or soup kitchen? Would they be harassed? Would they be refused? I cannot imagine. I don’t know what it is like to have to rely on said food banks and pantries, but I am happy as hell that they are out there to help people who are food insecure. I had never heard that turn of phrase either: food insecure. I get what it means, but never heard it that way before. I mean, when I was a kid, I was just poor. My family never went on well fare or received food stamps, but we probably would have qualified and probably should have. Luckily we were often helped/supported by my grandma.

What about the mom trying to feed her kids? Is she going to be more reluctant because of her size? Doesn’t she work hard enough? Man, I just can’t fathom it. You know? But there are assholes out there who just make it their life’s mission to be a dick to any and all that they possibly can.

My thoughts, love and hope go with you!

If you’d like to hear the broadcast I heard yesterday: