I recently added some old pictures of myself and friends to my facebook photos. For some reason the picture below got the most attention. And it surprised me to no end. You’ll find the picture and comments from my friends (edited for identity of course) and then I shall explain why this surprised me and my thoughts about the picture and that time itself. I was 15 years old in this pic:

• Friend love the posters
• Notblue Atall Ha! Yeah, one wall was all G’N’R, one was all The Doors and one was mostly Nirvana.
• Friend such a cutie:)
• Notblue Atall Wish I knew that then…too busy wanting to die back then. Ha!
• Friend Alternative Goddess.
• Notblue Atall Oh what the fuck ever, ______! Ha-ha! You kill me! ♥
• Friend Te he!
• Friend Wow. I see you in a whole new light. Instead of merely “irrepressibly perky but yet somehow sarcastically cool”… I agree with ______!

   

  Notblue Atall Omigod!I’m so blogging about this damn picture. Y’allz crazy! Ha! ♥

(Trigger Warning for talk of abuse, rape and suicidal thoughts)

This picture! When I posted it I just thought it was cute and showed a bit of my young self and my old room and whatnot. I was fifteen years old. At this time in my life, well, things could not have been worse. “You could have been homeless!” some might say, but at that time I would have welcomed that. A year prior I was a freshman in high school and hated it! I cut class as much as possible and hung out with the stoners and hippies on “the island” (a large round grassy knoll/median in the middle of a road across from our high school). My best friend at the time was Joyce who always encouraged the lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. I sometimes worshiped her and sometimes hated her. I was fourteen, this was normal.

Towards the end of the school year I was barely even showing up to half of my classes. My teachers either gave up on me (as my dad had at this point–I once heard him tell the attendance office, “What am I supposed to do? Hold her hand and walk her to each class?!”) or simply hated my guts like my social studies teacher did (she totally picked on me and I was the only one in the class who she called by last name only). I was boy crazy, for sure and as per usual, had a bunch of friends and rarely was without plans on any given evening. I had lost my virginity (or gave it away, it felt like a burden when everyone thought I was a slut for hanging out with Joyce already) that January and was ready to find something or someone more mature. I was ready to break free and get the heck out of, I dunno, everything?

Little did I know that an old friend and enemy would suddenly pop into my life to set me up with some guy. Ugh! Why did I ever think this was even close to a good idea? Why did I suddenly allow this person to set me up when I hated her to her very core? Oh well, hind sight is 20-20, no? Well she called me to set me up with some guy and my life would never be the same again. This “guy” she set me up with was a 21 year old alcoholic. He courted me proper and called me his “Queen.” *Barfs* So fucking typical/classic/cliche bullshit. Sorry. Anyway, it wasn’t until a few months in and he’d convinced me to drop out of high school (that was actually a lot easier for me than the rest) and threaten my dad with running away if he didn’t let this guy move in with me. In our family home, in my room?!

It was shortly after he moved in that the abuse began. Three months of dating and maybe only a few weeks of him living with me/us and he beat the shit out of me. And he continued to do so on a nearly daily basis for the next five years. Yes, I tried to leave him. Yes, I called the cops (they laughed at me). He once beat me in front of a very good friend whom I had grown up with, she said and did nothing. It changed how I saw her and the outside world, too. I dreamt of a white knight, in the form of an ex-boyfriend, and would make secret plans of escape always.

When I look at this picture I don’t see cute chubby cheeks and innocent eyes. I see someone who would have done anything to escape, even suicide. Suicide and thinking about it was all I had for comfort at times. When he would strangle me to unconsciousness and I would wake up devastated that he hadn’t succeeded this time. When he would rape me and tell me how much I loved it. When he would threaten to kill my family in front of me or while I was at work if I didn’t comply with his every fucking whim. I see in this picture the perfect image of shame, guilt, desperation and sadness. There is no joy in that face. Music was a refuge in a way I had never known. My friends long gone or pushed away (by him or by me due to shame). This girl in this photo hadn’t known the pleasures of true love or even a decent orgasm. She hadn’t known that she was worth anything at all.

When I finally escaped his grips and started my life over again from scratch at age 19 I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I survived the unsurvivable. I had been through something so unspeakable I hadn’t told a soul. I wouldn’t even talk about it at all until about two years ago.  Most of my friends, even from back then, still don’t know the true horrors I’ve seen. Some have an idea and some were there to put me back together when I was piecing myself into a whole person again. And when another guy shattered what was left of my far too young heart? There were two gals that never turned their backs on me. They are still my best friends no matter the time or distance between us. That chubby girl in the picture up there? She thought death was too good for her; that she deserved every punishing blow her abuser could deal.

This fat gal typing this blog everyday? She now knows that she is worth her very heavy fucking weight in goddamn platinum and gold! Diamonds and pearls and everything else! I now know that I matter to someone and to many. I now know that I have a voice that is valid and sincere and worth listening to. And I hope, if you’re reading this right now, that you know or come to find that the same is true for you. You are worth every ounce of effort and goodness and any struggles you encounter, there is a better you waiting when you get through it all. And I’m your Big Fat Auntie with arms open waiting to embrace you. And you can be a big fat auntie, too. <3

**Also, “irrepressibly perky but yet somehow sarcastically cool” has to be the best compliment I’ve received!

Before I was an active participant, my journey towards fat acceptance began very slowly and almost secretively. I am almost certain that this is not uncommon. I had read about the U.K. Chubsters in an article in BUST magazine. I then went to the Chubster’s site and started clicking links. One link lead to a blog which had more links which lead to another blog and so on until I happened upon the Fatshionsita community on livejournal.com. All this probably took about 2-3 weeks before I found Fatshionsta. I had already had a live journal account so it was easy to stay on top of the latest posts and such. However, I did not even comment on a single post for many months. And when I did finally start commenting? I only ever said very nice and complimentary things. Not that I lied, I only commented with honesty, but I never had any advice or suggestions either.

Slowly but surely I gained confidence and courage and finally the nerve to post my very own OOTD (outfit of the day). I kind of wish I knew what my first OOTD was, actually (she says this after searching the archives for two hours; there’s gotta be a better way to find them).  Actually, I had done sales posts and even organized a meet up before actually doing my own OOTD post. I know this because while I was at said meet up I asked the group was OOTD stood for! Ha-ha!

I think it can be a bit intimidating at first with so many rad fatties with blogs or posting in the Fatshionista community. But have no fear! It is a VERY supportive and loving and caring and helpful community. I now see the entire Fat-O-Sphere this way, too! I was terrified of starting a fat blog at first. I attempted to make this an “arts” blog of some sort. Then I found myself writing more and more about fat issues. And what do you know? More people read those posts! Then I was invited to join the Fierce Free thinking Fatties feed last June! I was so flattered that I became super focused and have dedicated myself and this blog to Fat Acceptance ever since.

What a life changing thing this has been. Had I never had the courage to de-lurk and actually start participating? Wow! Who knows what sort of life I’d have now. I mean, I never would have had the confidence to open my own business. I never could have talked openly about FA to my friends or that one time I let it slip in a job interview. Ha! FA has done nothing but positively reinforce my own existence in this world. It has been a best friend to me when I’ve needed it most.

Now I feel an obligation, no, compelled to share and to help and to nurture those who are new to Fat Acceptance and all of it’s wonder! I feel like everyone’s big aunt fatty! I’ll lend you a dress and a fatty book and share my fave blogs with you. I’ll tell you where to get the best jeans for 65″ hips! I’ll make fat puns with you and brag about those toilet seats I broke back then. I’ll make you cupcakes and laugh and sing as we eat them together. All in absolute defiance and rebellion of what society wants me to do. Fuck society!

We may seem like a tiny little island in this vast world of ours, but we stick together and strengthen each other! We love without judgment and we support one another. We are fattastic & rad! *shoves fat fist in the air*

Thanks.

Were you on the call last night? What call? The BodyLoveRevolution.com Telesummit! That’s what call! Last night’s guest was none other than Marilyn Wann! Can I just say now that I loved every moment?! It felt an awful lot like listening in on some secret fat-rebel meeting or something. Like I was peeping the fat secrets! I was inspired, of course. I am not sure anyone wouldn’t be listening in. I took all kinds of notes, but I think I need to let some of them simmer a bit to fully plot what I want to do with them. If you haven’t been on any of the telesumit calls (last night’s was the third), go register now and you can listen to past recordings, too!

***************************************

Fat Hate: We Just Wanna Live Our Lives!

Something struck me last night when the topic of fat hate and it’s various results and consequences came up; all any of us want (dare I say anyone in the world?) is to live our lives! That’s it! Just live and let live, right? So why do people feel the need to interfere, intercept or downright intervene?! It’s silly, really. What good thing as come from hating a specific group or person? Anything positive at all? I can’t think of anything.

When I was five (or four, can’t remember) my first self-chosen record (this being vinyl, not cassette or as yet invented CD), it was Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s So Unusual.” And of course the big hit off that record was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!” It was everywhere, it was 1983 and Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was the next one I got (though the entire family enjoyed it). Something about Cyndi struck a chord with me and hasn’t let up since. I begged my dad to let me do my hair like hers: shaved on one side with wild ratted-up colors on the other! I was FIVE! He said no. No debate, just no. Ha-ha!

The message in her songs and especially her big single was simply that girls (people) want to be left to do as they will. Not in spite of or despite other people or opinions, but to just be and do as they like. Isn’t that what freedom is all about? While listening to Golda & Marilyn last night I was suddenly reminded of that feeling I got, laying on the living room floor, reading the lyrics on the jacket while Cyndi blasted through the speakers of the family turn table. The feeling of joyous rebellion! The feeling of finally knowing what I wanted! The feeling you get when you identify with someone else’s thoughts/beliefs/opinions/ect. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted with my hair and my life. Profound for a five year old, perhaps, but I do see now how this shaped my life.

As fats, we don’t always get to live quite as freely as we’d like. Sure, we can walk down the street and not care what anyone thinks. But then someone drives by and yells some hate at us. I’m making no comparisons here, but replace the word fat with something else and it will come across as far more violent and scary a thing to experience. And it can often feel like you are being physically attacked. In a way, we are, we all are! There’s no proper or helpful response to this, either. There is no recourse or a mode of action that would prevent it from happening ever again. We choose to walk anyway. We choose to go about our lives as we please. All the while hoping that one fine day the hate will stop, and we’ll be free of that, too.

It seems a daunting thing to consider when you just want some fresh air or to walk the dog, for fuck’s sake! But it is a reality that we deal with. I hate to think about the fatty that cannot bring themselves to go out and enjoy such a simple thing due to the fear of being attacked for simply looking a certain way. But it is a reality. And sadly, it is one that there is no easy solution for. You can let the absurdity of that hateful moment roll off your back, it may hurt too much to do so, but we grow stronger over time or we find a less populated route to walk in. And some of us simply go about our lives knowing this will happen, and ready or not it will at some point, and either don’t care or somehow find a way to relish in the stupidity of such shallowness and hate.

I don’t have an antidote or solution for such things, but I do still walk the dog in my neighborhood. I am still fat in public and I don’t care who knows about it. Let’s face it, my size cannot and should not (in my opinion) be hidden. I live a life out loud, so to speak, and would rather enjoy what I can while I can than hide from the world that would rather have me disappear all together anyway. Why live on someone else’s terms? Why hide? It’s not easy, sure, but wouldn’t it be better to at least try to live in your own terms even if that bubble gets popped from time to time? For me it is. And it is easier when you’re not alone.

I do find my version of rebellion to be a joyful experience. Whether this means going strapless in public or having some pretty deep discussions about body politics with my cafe’s customers, I find a way to get joy from that. When a customer said that she’d rather have the terrible chemicals in a sugar-free syrup (I refuse to offer such things in my shop) regardless of the consequences (and there are many) than to ingest the calories? Well, I had no response for her. I smiled and let her be. In my heart I knew I had tried to reach her with the truth and some people will simply never accept anything other than their own beliefs. Just as I have given eggplant oh so many chances to taste better and be more palatable (oh so many attempts you have no idea), in the end I do simply hate it. Nothing personal against the eggplant, it’s a pretty thing really, but it’s just not going to happen for me.

It’s not that easy when you’re dealing with actual people. To be told to your face that you are unacceptable and nothing will sway or change this person’s opinion because they choose to hold onto this hateful belief of their? Well, it sucks and it’s bullshit but you have to find a way to deal with it to remain an active person in modern society. We all have our own ways of doing that, but I always feel that in that moment, all of my fat acceptance community friends are sitting on my shoulders cheering me on! Is that so strange? To know in my heart that I have the support of so many amazing people? I don’t think it is, because I’m sitting on your shoulders, cheering you on, too! Every day! I’m right there, “You can do it!”

Thank you for that. <3

Without anything specific in mind to write about today because I’m on a mission to rid myself and my business of traditional big-banking and merchant services (most ironic name for an industry that does nothing but rip off merchants) I figured I’d give you a bit of a potluck, if you will, of things and links of love and more! Enjoy and please, as always, go bananas with the comments! I love it! <3

Our own beloved Mrs. Sprat from lipidlove.blogspot.com gives us the total treat of a sex toy review! I heart her so!

Great friend of this blog and it’s writer (c’est moi), WithoutScene has gone and outdone herself by starting TWO new blogs. Yeah, she’s kind of amazing in an out of this world yet so down to earth you can’t believe it sort of way. Just the names of the blogs are fantastic, but then you read her posts and you just know there is a reason she is in our lives (she also blogs on bigfatblog.com): badassfatass.blogspot.com and finessingthefuckyou.blogspot.com check it out and prepare to be glad that you did! <3

Charlotte Cooper responds to a piece in The Guardian and if you don’t already read her blog all of the time, man, you are missing out! This post in response to the Guardian thing is ripped right out of my own brain, I tell ya. Keep on rockin’, Charlotte! We need your voice and your magnificent brain in this big fat fight!

Tomorrow evening is the 3rd telesummit from Golda Poretsky’s Body Love Revolution and her guest will be none other than Marilyn Wann of “Fat! So?” fame! You cannot miss this, I promise, it will be tons-o-fun! I’ll be there! Register for the call Here!

Get 20% off your entire order at Eden Fantasys with the coupon code SEXYTWIST with $5.95 flat rate shipping, discreet billing & shipping and free returns and exchanges. How could you possibly go wrong with that?!

Brian from Red No. 3 had an amazing post up about privilege. And for the record, I would probably link to nearly any post on this topic, but he simply has a way with words that always strikes a chord with me. Follow is rad blog and be struck as well.

Have you been catching all of the rad fatty love over at Adipositivity.com? I have! It’s def NSFW, but it’s so radical (in both meanings of the word) to see these amazing fat bodies doing such, well, normal things, but in front of a lens for all of us to enjoy. And I do! <3

In case you missed the post today, redvinylshoes.com’s Tasha Fierce is now over here at sexandthefatgirl.com and that is just the coolest name for a blog I’ve heard in ages! She will also be writing for Bitch magazine with a column of the same name. Woo!

I may be late to the game, but I love the new look of NAAFA’s blog! Check it out.

I had a bit too much fun Saturday night at a friend’s for a board game night and felt pretty cruddy yesterday, but still managed to get out and enjoy the unseasonal California sun with my husband, bff and pug. Quiet night in last night and since I’m no sports fan I could honestly not care any less about that whole super bowl thing yesterday. Ha!

What’s on your mind today? How are you feeling? What do you need to get off of your chest? Tell me about it! <3

Sometimes it can feel as though the world literally hates me/us/fats and wants us to know it! (Also, I swear a lot, you’ve been warned!)

Sometimes I just want to catch up on some fucking world news (funny doing this online when my community radio does a much better and stellar job: KPFA.org) without getting hated upon! Is that so much to ask? Of course it is, when you’re fat!

So I was checking out some news stories and saw a head line that grabbed my eyes:  New Anti-Sugar Ad Is Very Graphic (Trigger Warning as the video in the link depicts some nastiness) Hmmm…so I clicked it. *head desk*

I’m still on the fence about sugar. I love the stuff, don’t get me wrong, but I also know that what we use it for and how much of it and how processed the shit is…well, it’s scary! I have personally cut back on my sugar intake for no reason other than things started to become too sweet for my taste buds. My husband and I have to water down juice and other such things and often cut the sugar in a recipe or substitute for agave or honey when possible. I believe that he is a little more concerned about sugar than I am, but I’m very aware of what I eat and its ingredients. This is a personal choice and I am not promoting a damned thing! And I don’t believe that the ad inside the link above is the right way to go about it.

For one thing, it’s packed full of bullshit! The video, that is. Not only do we get the treat (SARCASM) of a few headless fatties, but we also get graphic images of gangrenous toes, someone being resuscitated from a heart attack and more. Why is this bullshit? Well, as the article attached to the video states:
“Those [effects] are not that common. They’re usually very end-stage,” Fendt said. “Those are generally in people with very, very poor control and not a lot of follow-up. It’s not like you get diabetes and you wake up a day later and your toes fall off.”

DAMMIT! Really?! Okay, before I move on, let’s address that quote: “poor control and not a lot of follow-up” BULLSHIT! “Poor Control” hmm…when the water that comes out of your fucking tap has more chemicals in it than your average energy drink (YIKES!!!), there’s a reason we fall victim to the tastiness of just about everything else. (Not really victim, poor attempt at humor on my part.) Not to mention that we have been marketed to since we were children that “Coke Is It!” and all that shit. So what if I am part of the “Pepsi Generation” (I think everyone in the world is according to Pepsi, ha!) and want a nice cold one from time to time. No, I don’t personally have soda on a daily basis*, but there is nothing inherently wrong with that if I chose to, either.

Control: It’s bullshit! Just like “will power” and all of those other so-commonly-used-they’re-obviously-bullshit-phrases/words. What it boils down to, I think, is that everything we do is a choice. You can absolutely choose to have a super big gulp for breakfast and a twinkie for lunch. No worries from me. It’s a fucking choice! There’s no morality here. There’s nothing that requires control or regulation (Maude knows they have been trying though), but to put out a “PSA” that basically says through images that if you eat/drink this way you will OMFGDIE! It’s just not that simple. Now poor nutrition can make anyone sick. Look around the world and you’ll find evidence of this. But it’s generally in nations and areas without options/choices at all. Are they “bad” people for not eating a healthy and balanced diet? Should they elicit some magical will power to hold out for better food? Fuck all of that! They eat what they can when they can to fucking survive!

And here we get yet another fat = death bullshit line. The fatty on the scooter may have had other issues besides his weight that has left him with mobility issues. And hey what’s that? Another fatty walking beside him! What about her? Is she going to die, too? (Oh wait, is that a spoiler for a sequel?!) Hey NYC Health Department!!! Over here *waves hands violently-arms all a-flappin’* You’re all kinds of wrong with this message. You guys should seriously check out our own US Surgeon General‘s thoughts on the subject.

I personally believe that the way to get people to eat healthier is to educate them on what they are eating and how that affects their body/mind/overall health/etc. And then leave it up to them! It’s a free country after all, no? But I also know that the choices you may have are much more difficult to make when you are near or below the poverty line. My husband and I can’t afford all of those gorgeous organic fruits and veggies that we used to love cooking with. We have to choose one thing over another. Growing up it was much much worse, too. My family subsisted on little more than rice/pasta, frozen vegetables (nothing wrong with that!) and ground beef. Bright yellow packaging with bold black lettering (nothing brand name entered our house that I can recall, except kool-aid and that was a treat.) A lot of people don’t have a fresh food type of grocer near their homes at all. Please, if you’ve read this far, do not comment that there is a choice regardless of income, I haven’t the energy or will to argue right now and I’ve had that argument too many damned times, I’m done.

Shocking people into not drinking sugary drinks? Poor choice NYC Health Department. Why not take the opportunity to explain how sugar works once ingested? I bet most people in this country don’t know or understand this. I just found out that a very good friend’s gall bladder ruptured from an overdose of vitamin B (Rockstar energy drinks are to blame, specifically). I had no idea that this was possible. And I love learning about nutrition and its affects on the body. But let people decide on their own what to do with this knowledge. And why not work with these major manufacturers to see if they could reduce the sugar in these things by 25% (without adding a damned thing else, please)?! And while I’m at it, why don’t we address the affects of Aspartame (what’s in most diet drinks)?! I think that’s doing more damage to more people than any of us realizes.

Also, sugar intake does not equal fat. In some it can and in others it absolutely does not! And diabetes? Don’t get me started on this again! (Great resources in comments on that post.) You cannot eat your way to diabetes!

Stop perpetuating bullshit stereotypes and start actually caring about the health of your city’s residents!
Fat people do have brains, too! Give us a chance to fucking use them!!!