I suddenly came into a wee bit o’ the cash (What the heck is that?) and stopped by my local Avenue store to see what they had on clearance/etc. I found a couple of cute as hell (IMHO) tees and since they were buy one get the 2nd 50% off, I went ahead and indulged. Man, it’s been a looooong time! Anywhoo, I was chatting with the gal at the register (wish I had asked her name) and we were sharing retail/nanny horror stories and then I chimed in with something bitchy about being my own boss and she seemed interested in the cafe and then I mentioned the fat meet up there and I was like, “Yeah, it’s a meet up…for fat people!” and she gave me the biggest smile and high-five and you know what? That felt fucking awesome! I told her about the fat clothing swap in S.F. on Sunday and asked if she’s ever heard about fat acceptance…she had not, so I gave her my info. I am so hoping that she hits me up. She was so nice. Honestly? The nicest gal to ever help me in that particular Avenue store. Usually they are hella grouchy in there.

This brief interaction reminded me of why I do this. Why I am so positive and upbeat in my great fatness. Fat acceptance has helped me so much in improving my own body image as well as improving my life overall. If I can get this same message to one person who would never have known about it otherwise? Well, that’s enough for me! Often when I tell people about FA I get a confused look or the typical nose scrunchy face. I think that those in particular make me feel weird about bringing it up. I had such an opportunity the other day, too, but I let it go. Ugh! But this lady was allllllllrrriiiiiiight! I will think of her the next time the subject or opportunity presents itself again. Woo!

It can be difficult to deal with your own food issues when you’re in a long-term and committed relationship. Even when you think you’ve got all of your shit nicely packed away or cared for something can just pop up out of nowhere. This is what happened to me last weekend in the middle of that great big funk I was in. While in the moment I couldn’t, for some reason, speak up for myself or explain how I felt or anything at all. It was a bizarre moment for me and undoubtedly, my husband. Allow me to explain…

I had gotten home from work, it was a Saturday and so I got home around 3:30 pm. We had plans that night to attend the opening gala for our BFFs play. I knew said galas tend to run very late and since we’re early birds I had wanted to take a nap. So I did, sorta. Well, I had the best intentions. I stripped down to my socks (it was super cold) and snuggled down into bed with our down comforter and all. The cat didn’t mind the extra body on the bed, more warmth for all! Only I didn’t sleep a wink! I just laid there, hoping the husband would come in and “wake me up” (if you know what I mean, he-he), tightly wound in the blankets trying to keep warm and relax. Well, I was warm. Ha! I found myself getting worked up and tense over nothing at all. Time was passing, but I felt lost for some reason. I still don’t know what that was all about, but I digress.

I heard the phone ring and a brief one-sided conversation about timing and transportation to the play. I figured this meant it was almost time to leave. I get up and put on fresh under garments. I look at the clock and, “Holy shit! We have twenty minutes to get ready, eat dinner and leave! But suddenly I was in full panic mode! I couldn’t figure out what to wear! I had intended to get up from my nap an hour before we had to go and do myself up nice and proper. So my head was not ready for the stress of this moment. And I fucking felt it! Whoa! I grabbed tops and pants and tights and dresses and jackets and jeans and shoes…it was all a mish-mash! I couldn’t decide on anything! I ran out into the living room in my undies and bra and my husband looked astonished. He was putting our dinner plates on our dining room table! He had just brought the table in from our balcony after many months. We had it in the dining room when we first moved in last year, but only ate there once. I was startled by it’s presence and how the food was just THERE.

I tried to explain that I was panicking and couldn’t make a decision or choice to save my life. He didn’t seem to understand my urgency or need and so I ran back to the bedroom. I finally threw something together that was neither too formal nor too casual. I wasn’t satisfied, but it would do. I then went back out to the dining room and sat down. I looked at the food on my plate. I picked up my fork and poked at each item. My appetite was gone. I should have been so hungry! I ate my green beans and most of my potatoes, but I couldn’t deal with the turkey meat loaf. Just smelling it turned up my anxiety. Looking at it made it worse. I took a very small bite. My heart sank. Something was up with me but I couldn’t grasp or point to what it was. What’s worse is that I had an immediate instinct to run, to get the fuck away from that food and that table right away. I couldn’t speak. I just ate what I could and hoped that time would run out and we’d have to leave anyway. My husband realized I wasn’t touching the turkey and so he said, “You don’t have to eat everything on your plate or anything.” I knew this, yet hearing it from him gave me some relief. And then we did have to go in a rush.

Later, as I was thinking back on that awful moment, I realized that it was a bunch of things that killed my appetite. For one thing, I grew up in a house without a dining room or dining table. We ate in the living room in front of the television. On Sundays we would go to my grandma’s for dinner, but everyone would be talking or she’d have the radio or t.v. on or something. When I sat down to have dinner that night, I didn’t know what we were having. The light above our dining table is unforgivably bright. I felt like I was under a spotlight. And suddenly being faced with eating at a table instead of on the couch all in silence? It made my skin crawl! It wasn’t until a few nights later when he again served dinner at the table that I said I couldn’t handle the silence. I do have a problem with silence in general so he wasn’t shocked or anything. But the light! OH that light!!! He tried to adjust it but no dice.

So that is that and I eat my dinner on the couch in front of the television as I have most of my life. Even when I didn’t watch television for a year, I had one and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I have always had a hard time with silence. Nothing new there, but specifically? Silence + eating = Anxiety!!! I can’t explain why. And I did go through an intense period in my teens where I couldn’t eat in front of people. So the combo of it all, all at once, wow…really freaked me out!

What is my point in telling you this? Well, that sometimes we can’t always speak up for ourselves even when it seems like a dire situation. We’re all human. We all have things that can be triggering. Respecting those things, especially when in a relationship, is very important. I don’t think that my husband did anything wrong or anything. He didn’t know. I didn’t even know! It was just so sudden and well, shit happens, right? Even after all of these years actively participating in Fat Acceptance and all, well, you just never know what will come up! And it’s completely okay! I don’t often talk about my own food issues. I think that is mostly because I haven’t addressed them myself. So I will begin to share with you all and hopefully we can support each other.

Thanks,
<3
S

If you know me or would simply rather not see me in the (near) all together (aka in my undies, yo!) then please do not scroll down any further. Please do come back tomorrow for your regularly…wait, fuck that! Come back when you want and I’ll update/post when I want and we’ll see if we actually synch up at all. Otherwise, my best to you and yours! <3 Tah!

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I have been loving Tumblr.com and lately even more than usual as I haven’t been feeling quite myself. It helps to connect with people in the Fat Acceptance/Fat Pride movement in new and exciting ways. Yes, it’s mostly images, but damn! Some of those images are beyond powerful. Just wow! Awe inspiring stuff, my friends. The wonderful things I get to see! And honestly? When you have writer’s block or are depressed or bored or whatever, if you have some time on your hands, Tumblr is everything you want and more!

There are so many wonderful people on Tumblr, too! But hey, this isn’t some sort of advertisement for Tumblr. I don’t advertise anything, at all, ever…yet (hey ya never know)! But c’mon, Tumblr is the birthplace of BigBoyFashion (now over at chubstr.com, mega-rad!), among many other notables in these parts. I am particularly fond of BigBellyBabes as many fabulous fats have proudly and tentatively displayed their bulges, rolls, folds and the source of much pride, pleasure and joy! I am planning on posting my own belly pic there sometime soon, but for now let me share with you something I posted to another Tumblr blog:

✿ Chubby Bunnies ✿
This is for the lovers of all the chubby bunnies out there. A place where we can feel safe and proud to show off our curves. If you have any problems with occasional nudity or scantily clad women, then this is not the site for you. This is a judgment free zone.

And with that…here it is, my giant ass in fancy pants:

I am a 33 year old, married, fat, small business owner, blogger, activist with plenty o’ booty! I’m 5’4″ and around 300 lbs. I usually wear a size 26/28, depending on the retailer. In the above pic I am wearing a Body By Avenue combo from a few years ago. The front of the top is all lace (pic below if of what I wore with it that day). The bottoms were my first “boy short” style underwear. I rarely wear lingerie at all, but I woke up feeling fabulous and this is what came out of that. I encourage everyone to take photos of yourself in positions or perspectives you don’t often see your own body in. Clothed or not, it is an interesting learning experience and I highly recommend it! You don’t have to publish them after all. But hey, it’s fun to do that, too!

(I was feeling so awesome that day.)

Thanks,

<3
S

These people have been kicking my ass in the best possible ways lately:

Brian of Red No. 3 He just keeps saying what I’m thinking, only far more eloquently. So glad he’s on the FA team!

Kath of Fat Heffalump For getting right to the point on how death fats/super fats must put up with shoddy clothing at ridiculous prices and even then the garments usually don’t fit right! Spot on, Kath!

Bruce of Chubstr & Big Boy Fashion He has so many fantastic ideas! I am constantly checking the new site out for new nuggets of awesome. You don’t even know! OMZ! The punk, the bow tie? I love it all!

Whomever thought of FATPOCALYPSE!!! I love the name, the concept and the “tools” to make it happen. Go check it out, it’s rad-tabulous! You better believe I’m all over this! Just gotta get to printin’ and I’ll be strategically planting these messages, oh, everywhere!

Marilyn Wann For starting Fat Club For Men on Facebook! Ms. Wann is a wealth of ideas and creative endeavors. So I can’t say that I was surprised, but I love it! It is a members only kind of thing, so do apply and post and enjoy!

WithoutScene for a lot of things, but her latest entry on Finessing The Fuck You had me thinking back on all of the relationships in my life and I am wondering what I can do about all of those loose ends I hadn’t previously realized were loose! Wow! I love a blog/entry/gal that makes ya think!

My Readers! If you’re reading this, you are amazing! You rock my socks! I love you, truly!

Thank you!

<3
S

Yesterday I grabbed the mail as I always do when I get home, before I hit the stairs to my apartment. There was only one bill and a chunk of ads/junk mail. I usually flip through the junk and search for local restaurant coupons and recycle the rest. However, I came across something I’d never seen before, well, not in this format anyway (forgive the crumpled nature of the pics as I originally wanted to toss this ad, but decided to share instead):
Yes, you read that right. In case you didn’t or are in doubt, here’s what it says (I refuse to publish their phone number): “THE FDA SIGNIFICANTLY LOWERED THE MINIMUM WEIGHT REQUIREMENTS FOR THE LAP-BAND!” Like I was fucking waiting for this announcement in my mailbox to arrive, biting my nails in anticipation. Fuck that!

And the real kicker:
The photo of the headless fatties wouldn’t upload, but I think these make the point just fine on their own. UGH! And yes, PPO insurance does cover this surgery (and don’t be fooled, it is still a form of surgery). One, in fact, that has a 60% re-operation rate! Sadly, I also know it’s covered by insurance because Kaiser is trying to get my dad to get the lap-band. I don’t have a healthy relationship with him and have therefore have not gotten on my fatty soapbox about this, but I did ask him outright: “Are you aware of the risks involved?” To which he replied, “Yeah, I’ve done some research.” I seriously doubt that he has and it angers me that a company/corporation whose major marketing campaign is to “live well and thrive” wants him to do this to a perfectly healthy stomach. Fuckin’ A!

But I digress. I was shocked, somehow, that this was in my mailbox along with coupons and ads. Like it’s just this normal fucking thing. It isn’t in my world! The fine print is even more unnerving: “You may be a candidate for the LAP-BAND if your BMI is over 40 or between 30-40 with other specific medical conditions and failed more conservative weight loss therapies such as diet, exercise and weight-loss medications. As with any procedure, the LAP-BAND procedure has certain risks and contraindications. Consult your physician to discuss risks and benefits. Typically with the  LAP-BAND, 1-2 pounds of weight loss per week and 50-70% of excess wight lost and maintained at 5 years can be expected.”

WOW! BULLSHIT ALERT!!! Please read this post over at Big Fat Blog about a recent study on this subject. Frankly I think any physician you talk to about the risks and benefits will only highlight the benefits, regardless of your size. And my opinion of said physicians who perform this “procedure?” I believe that they are damned criminals! Their “oath” of “First, do no harm” is obviously meaningless to such persons. My opinion of most physicians over the years has become increasingly abysmal. It often seems as though they go out of their way to either be complete and utter assholes or simply live in a bubble-like world where they believe their word is THE WORD! IT IS NOT, I can assure you. They dismiss any serious studies, such as the one I linked from Big Fat Blog and still insist such “procedures” are safe and good and that permanent weight loss is possible. It is not.

I don’t know that there is much we can do to highlight the lies and pervasive nature of this type of marketing, let alone somehow shut it down, but I can talk about it here and we can all share our wealth of knowledge about fat and HAES, etc. As for my dad? I’m hoping to give him a copy of the book, “Health At Every Size” (HAES) by Linda Bacon PHD for some upcoming holiday or what have you. Will he read it? Who knows. But I must attempt what I can. Having a serious conversation with him isn’t that likely. My sister is open to reading the book, and for me, that is the biggest happy thing I’ve had happen in awhile. Woo!

Thanks,
<3
S