I have been searching for a pair of knee-high boots to fit my fat calves for two years now. I’ve just about had it! Except that I still really want a pair. It’s almost become this sort of fantasy that once I have my perfect pair of black boots I can do anything I want. It’s my ticket to the ultimate independent bad-ass girl party of the millennium! NOT! But I don’t know, I just feel like they are the reason I don’t wear the dresses I have. It’s like a big jig saw puzzle with the center piece missing.

So sad that I put so much stock into an inanimate object…especially something as silly as boots! I mean, I probably won’t even be able to wear them to work for either comfort reasons or just not wanting to get coffee grounds all over them. So why does this mean so much to me? It’s like they’re the holy grail to me. I can’t speak for all fat gals, but it does seem like a bit of an equalizer. Usually shoes are one thing that thin & fats can shop for together without worry about sizing issues!

Being of the death fat persuasion (some will define this as being over a size 26 or over 300 lbs, either way, that’s moi!), my calves are larger than many fats. At their widest, my calves measure 19″, but that’s not the only issue. I also wear a woman’s size 8 shoe (occasional wide width, depends on the style/brand). There is the problem I’ve found. While many knee-high boots come in larger calf widths, it’s usually only in larger shoe sizes! I was so stoked about a fatshionista post about some boots for $27.99 at Target that fit her that I ran out and tried ’em on…no dice! She wears a size 11 and thus the size 8 they had was way too narrow in the calf to even zip. *sigh*

I dream of dresses with big ole shit-stompers! Cute romper-ish dresses (like overalls, but a dress) with combat boots! Or the old grunge way of wearing a granny dress with big tough boots on! YES! THIS! And the truth is, I probably can get some boots that will fit, but nowhere near what I can afford. And there is the rub for me. When I had the money I couldn’t find any boots and now that I don’t have a dime to my name I know exactly where I can get some…for $200+!!!

So, I’m a big baby and a whiner and it’s true. It’s the one thing I feel is missing from my wardrobe. It’s such a cute-ass look, ya know? UGH! I will surely drive myself crazy with this pursuit. I know this, yet I still search. For used boots. For cheaper boots. People keep saying Torrid has them, but I don’t wear heels, yo! I need a biker/harness style or some other low heeled boot of great construction. They need to take a beating and then ask for more! I want to wear them with girly things and then to goth night! It’s my fantasy after all.

All this talk of boots, I might as well show my faves so far:

1. “Sphere” Ros Hommerson 2. “Channel” Ros Hommerson 3. “Ashley” David Tate 4. “Vine” Duo

Those last ones, I just found yesterday, may not even fit me as the reviews say they have a very narrow ankle. But I love them so! I would even go for a more engineer style boot. But alas, none shall fit my Cinderella-esque calves! Ha! Those first three should fit, but I bought some Ros Hommerson boots before and they claimed to be wide calf, but they didn’t even come close! So I keep looking and waiting and hoping and maybe one fine day I’ll find my dream boots.

Yes, I do realize that I could buy some boots that fit my feet and then get some magical cobbler to put in a gusset or shaft of elastic or leather to make the calf fit…but in the end it would cost more than buying some that do fit (or so I have heard). I did find some cute ones at The Avenue last winter. I tried them on, they were cute as hell, but they wouldn’t zip up. And when I looked at the display model? It was falling apart all over, but especially the sole! Nuts!

Do you feel there is a giant missing puzzle piece to your wardrobe? Tell me all about it!  =0)

In my last post I mentioned going to my sister’s apartment for her b-day. Well, I also got to meet some of her friends. Very cool peeps, I must say. I was surprised (and relieved & excited) to meet a few fats, too! Sadly, these are not self-accepting fats and I was sort of coming down from my Cupcakes & Muffin tops high and didn’t have any words of encouragement for them or my gorgeous sister who started going on about losing twenty pounds. *sigh* I tried the genetics argument and her husband understood, but even he went on about the twenty pounds. *sobs* Seriously? Even my little sister?

I feel like this diet industry and war on obesity thing is a fucking zombie-disease and it’s infected even those I love most!

So, what can I do? Give her a copy of “Health At Every Size” and hope she reads it?

How do you broach a subject such as size acceptance at a party without being a dramatic downer? Is it truly taboo?

This group seemed very open minded and chill to me and well, it made me sad inside to hear some of the diet talk from these very smart people. Should I just let it be?

Thanks! You’re the best!

I found this article quite interesting given it’s domain name and subject matter. I appreciate how it points out how she was happy with her size/looks prior to the Jenny Craig thing. Funny, how those ads show clips of her hating her body so much she just felt uncomfortable…Hmm? My fave line from the article is this: “Rue is talented, radiant and deserves to be happy at any weight, whether she’s plus size, skinny, curvy, thin or whatever coded terms casting agents and journalists like to throw around.” Thank you for that, Emily Shetler!

I know this is everywhere today, so I won’t go into it. I just wanted to share my experiences with going to nail salons.

I’ve been getting pedicures for about 8 or so years now. For awhile it was a monthly treat for myself on whatever day off I had when I was a retail manager in a mall. I would just hit up the nail salon around the corner and never felt particularly uncomfortable. I pretty much stuck with the same salon until they moved and then when they re-opened went back to them until one day I walked in and there was a man at the register/podium thing. He gave me the up-down (when they look you up & down in that judgey sort of way) and said, “You come back in 2 hours!” I said, “Yeah right!” and left. It wasn’t busy in the salon, I even saw a couple of the nail technicians chatting on a couch. Never went back. I’d been going there for almost six years, even had my nails done for my wedding there (took me so long to grow them out, too). I had never seen him before, but I also didn’t see my usual gal, Tina.

I tried several salons after that trying to find one with both the right price and quality work. (A bad pedicure, no matter it’s retail price is just never worth it!) One time a friend gave me a certificate for this shi-shi-la-la salon on Santana Row (fancy outdoor designer mall pavilion thingy where the rich and pretentious shop near San Jose, CA).  It was terrible! They treated me like a beggar with his first dollar ever! Obviously I didn’t go back (and I wrote a review of my experience on yelp.com).

Then for a few months I went to this seemingly shi-shi place but it was a great price for what you got. For $28-$30 you’d get a spa pedicure with parafin wax for your feet and a leg mask! But it was always crowded, I never “fit in” there and the quality went down over time.

Then I found this great little shop by my apartment. For $20 I could get the spa pedicure and read good magazines (I secretly love “Lucky”) and the gals were nice and liked to chat with you (all previous salon experiences differed from this). They also enjoyed nail art and I would always get a lovely flowery design on my big toes. For like $2-$3 more. They always looked fabulous and I felt great after. I was very faithful to that place until I was laid off a bunch of times and just couldn’t afford the luxury any longer. (I know, $20 isn’t much, but it’d be $30 by the time I left and again, it was a luxury.)

After a few months I’d long for a pedicure and break every now and then and get one at some random place. I began the habit of checking with the health department web site before going to a salon after the whole black-death-fungus-scandal (involving Paula Abdul I think). Then I stopped getting them again.

Now? UGH! Now I do them myself exclusively. Why? Money! But also, there is a certain vibe I would get from certain gals. Like they didn’t want to touch my cute little fat feet. My feet are adorable, too! But no, they’d rather care for the feet of a thinner gal who has hammer toe and some sort of awful going on (this is what I saw I’m not slamming all thin gals) who just wanted to tell everyone about her rich husband and all that he buys her. So money talks, I get it! But damn! Don’t I deserve to have cute colorful toes, too?

I don’t know if I’ve ever been discriminated against in a salon (aside from that one guy), but you can sometimes tell that you’re being treated differently or condescended to. That is unacceptable in any arena and I will tell people. I used to be more of a meek gal when it came to complaining. NO MORE! People need to be told when they suck and when they rock! I am liberal with my feedback because I would want to know if I’m giving someone shitty or awesome service. It is the only way to truly know how you’re doing . Because people will tip out of guilt or obligation or whatever, that is almost never an indication of service, more like common practice.

I am so glad that this woman stood up for herself. I wish more people had the nerve. Because, damn, people can walk all over you and then you just go home and feel bad about yourself when it’s so not your fault! I have been there and have resolved to never again! And shit, talk about biting the hand that feeds! Most if not all of the fat gals I have ever known knew how to pamper themselves at a damned salon, yo! But hey, if my money isn’t green enough for ya, I will gladly go where I am wanted!

I bought Linda Bacon’s book “Health At Every Size” a few months ago, but only recently cracked it open for some reading. I admit that I have not read a book in quite a long time. I used to read everyday, now I read the internet & magazines and little else (I mean, catalogs don’t count, right?). Of course I’d heard nothing but rave reviews from all over the FA/SA community, but it still took some self-urging to not only buy it, but read it. I plan on doing a series of posts about the book and my thoughts on certain things therein. I’m only up to the fourth chapter, but some things in chapter three really made me stop and think and reflect on my own life and I have to tell you, I’m floored!

Here is the first part that truly made me stop and think about my life:

“In one very interesting experiment, scientists subjected mice to stress by locking them in a case with a more aggressive mouse. Some of the mice were given standard feed, and the others were fed the mouse equivalent of a processed food diet. The stressed mice eating the processed foods gained a significant amount of weight, much more than the stressed mice fed the standard feed. They also gained significantly more weight than mice consuming the same processed food diet that were not subject to stress. If this translates to himans, it suggests that it’s not just the stress, but the combination of stress and a nutrient-poor diet, that does you in.”

So, full disclosure here: I grew up poor. We didn’t have a lot of food in the house and when we did have food it was generic, yellow boxes of processed things. Fresh fruits and veggies just didn’t occur on a regular basis. I’ve mentioned in a  previous post how I would look forward to our Sunday dinners at my Grandma’s house due to her crisp green salads. Hello? Malnutrition? Yeah, hi! We know each other, remember?!  Wow!
Then when I was 14, I met a guy who turned out to be an abuser. I spent the next five years, basically as a hostage. He beat me up a lot. I didn’t start gaining weight until I was about 15 or 16 years old. I was eating less, exercising more, yet somehow also putting on weight. WTF?! (I never really dieted. I did slim fast a couple of times, but it always made me barf and so I would stop after a day or two.) Can you say STRESSSSSS?! Ha-ha! (Yes, I can laugh about it now, it’s been 13 years.)
So you can understand why that paragraph about the mice really struck a chord with me. Like, whoa!

The book also mentions mothers who diet during pregnancy leading to adults who are “overweight.”  Yeah, my mom struggled with her weight as long as I can remember, so she probably also dieted while pregnant. Just an assumption, but I believe a fair one. And here I am. I have lived exactly the opposite lifestyle as my mother (haven’t seen her since I was 15) and yet I have her hips/ass/boobs/etc. Genetics are some strange things, man.

Also, there are three paragraphs on sleep and sleep deprivation. I won’t recount them here, but I’ve struggled with insomnia since I was 12. I have had some pretty horrible times due to this. You can imagine how enough sleepless nights can affect ones life. Yep! While I have it mostly under control now, it’s never too far away, either. Linda Bacon specifically points to weight gain and sleep deprivation. WOW! You can imagine how much sleep I got during those five years of terrible, right? Barely any! It’s as though those five years of emotional and physical terror were also compounded with my insomnia and poor nutrition. Yikes!

While this may be full of obvious for some, this combination had never occurred to me before reading it. I am in awe of this book. The amount of facts and medical information is astounding. When I mention to a friend how dieting can mess with your brain chemistry so that you no longer hear/respond to your body’s natural hunger/fullness cues, I get the dear-in-the-headlights look.

To top things off there was a couple pages about weight loss surgery. And the facts, side effects, complications, mortality rates and everything else were so much worse than I already knew. What really scares me now is that my dad is being urged by Kaiser (hospital & insurance provider) to get the lap band surgery. While I have a very strained relationship with him and can’t simply say, “OH MY GAWD DON’T DO IT! PLEASE DON’T FUCKING DO IT!” I did ask him if he’s done any research on the subject. He said yes and that he feels the risks are nothing to worry about. And as I’m reading this book, and turn each page to read the next, all I can think about is possibly losing my dad because of a stupid insurance company’s urging him to get this dangerous procedure. UGH! I want to give him this book, but I’m not even sure he’ll read it.

Sorry. I get a bit swept up in these realizations. I probably think too much and too intently on certain things. But damn! I just cannot believe that this is the world we live in. I want it all to go the hell away, like NOW! *sigh* But I get up every day and do what must be done and take care of business. And we all do. We have to. If we let this shit get to us we’ll freak out and that’s no good. Might end up in the hospital for the freak-out and end up getting involuntary WLS! Okay, wow, sorry…carried away! But I also don’t think I’m too far off base here either.

I just don’t understand how anyone thinks it’s okay for health professionals to recommend such things.

But that is our society. Our culture has been usurped by this nonsense. These lies. And it is up to us to try to reverse the damage.

Thank you for reading.