If you haven’t been following her blog (get over there!) you simply must read this post! This is how I often feel in FA. I’ve made some missteps, but damn, sometimes I just stay mute in fear of the inevitable verbal beat-down! And I hate that! (Awful childhood memories of being told not to talk unless I had something worthwhile to say.) I am of the thinking that you learn by experience and exposure and if you are new to Fat Acceptance, don’t hold back! ASK QUESTIONS! Lots of them, please! But please, do not slam someone for sheer ignorance! I am possibly the least educated of fat bloggers, but so fucking what?! I have a voice and I choose to use it! I have this blog so that other newbies and fats can ask questions and express themselves, too! I think there is room for everyone! If someone says something that burns your biscuits, take a deep breath and think on it a minute, then re-read their comment/post and think about what might have motivated it or perhaps address it as you would someone who hasn’t been exposed to all things politically correct and true. For years I used two words that once I found out their origin and meaning (as opposed to how they are often used in common phrasing) I stopped using them. I was horrified. And let’s be honest here, most people don’t know a lot about the words they use. I sure as shit don’t know the origins of most words, but I like finding out! So show me! Hold my hand if you must, but don’t disrespect someone for not knowing! We all have area/topics where we could use a little more information. Teach with love, not a ruler to the knuckles.

Thank you to Beej, of thebustytraveler.blogspot.com & Julie (the OP) for writing and posting and sharing your refreshing perspective on this touchy subject. *tips hat to you both*

This time of year, no matter how busy you are or how many parties you attend, can often leave us feeling lonely. Oh sure, we may be surrounded by family & friends, but often they can make you feel overwhelmed, helpless, shamed, etc… I think it is so important to have someone in your life (in some way, shape or form) that you can vent/rant/cry on without judgment or shame. I think a lot of us need that in our lives throughout the year, but this time of year for me, especially, leaves me feeling worn-out and just not willing to keep on keepin’ on, ya know?

Please, if you have no one else to turn to, you can turn to me! I have seen the deep dark underbelly of depression, suicide, sadness, family bullshit, abuse and so on. I won’t judge. I have no weird motives, just want to reach out to those who feel there is no one to turn. There is! There is always someone who can help and/or who cares. email me: notblueatall@notblueatall.com If you like, you can even text me if you have a severe moment where you just need to tell someone something NOW! Email me! Hit me up! I’m here!

Also, if you’re a fellow FA blogger, consider offering yourself up as support for those who need it. Surely we’ve all been there. Sometimes we just need a little venting or someone to listen to our side of the story (isn’t that why we blog?).

And please do not forget to take care of yourself! Do something! Anything! Just do something special, no matter how big or small, for yourself. Get a massage! Get a pedicure! Watch a movie! Have a girl’s night or hang out with some old friends.

Do something that makes you feel good!

Thank you all for being so kind and loving to me when I needed it and I hope to give back for as long as I possibly can.

<3

S

P.S. Check out Golda’s  Holiday eating tele-class from a Health At Every Size POV . Sign up here for free! –> http://bit.ly/eJ7KoN

Okay, I had to click it, I don’t want larger breasts (Oh Maude, please No!), but seriously? It made me laugh at the idea.

So I read the article. Ugh! The person who wrote it & tried these magic Japanese boob promising cookies? Um, aparently wants larger breasts as long as she doesn’t get fat. Yeah. To quote:

“Does not promote weight loss.” Uh, check? Does this mean I’m going to get fat?”

I also found it completely stupid that instead of using, oh I don’t know, A FUCKING TAPE MEASURE, she chose to use her boyfriend to check for boob growth. Wow, really? Aw, that’s so sweet…NOT!

She has no worries with eating two cookies a day for seven days in her little experiment where she states:

“While I’m not one to pop questionable supplements (or anything non-FDA approved, for that matter), I took one for all of you ladies out there in the name of research. You’re welcome.”

No thank you! Not want! WTF?! Is all I have to say about this. Somehow she lost weight yet her boobs got bigger. It must be magic! And when she stopped eating the cookies? Her bigger breasts deflated back to their original size.

Not that I had any doubt that this article would be silly (to say the least), but to throw in some anti-fat shit to boot? Real classy. Apparently she’s fine with her B cups, but not okay with gaining any weight at all (even in the boobs?). I know it’s nothing out of the ordinary. I know this is typical. I know I know I know. But can I just read something, ANYTHING, without someone kvetching over gaining an ounce?

Here’s the original link.

It amazes me to no end the sheer greed and selfishness of humans. This time of year seems to bring out the worst in ’em, too. I don’t want to get all Scrooge McDuck on ya, but damn! People are kind of assholes sometimes. No one specific. I hold nothing back, no secrets, y’all should know this by now (and a special thanks & hug for those who commented on Friday’s post, you’re the sweetest! Well, except that one asshole! I posted their email, feel free to do what you will with it). Just you know, the wish lists! Everywhere I go, the wish lists!

Really?! In this economy? Wish lists?! I could see a kid doing this, sure, no problem there. A lot of what kids do is hope/dream/wish/pretend/play (I miss that). But adults more than ever! To them I say, “Do you have no one in your life in need? No one for which you might feel ashamed about wanting frivolous garbage in front of? We all want things. We all want comfort and perhaps a bit of luxury, but shit if you see me doing this right now. Everyone in my life seems on edge lately and it’s no wonder: We’ve all taken quite the proverbial beating this year! Sure, I want frilly dresses and satin bows. But not because of a holiday and not because I feel I deserve such things. I most certainly do not.

I don’t like the word deserve. It’s an ugly word to me. I don’t think that people deserve things, ya know? Don’t get me wrong, I believe all people have fundamental human rights and with that some dignity and respect, but sports cars? Designer clothing? Not so much, actually. I believe in equality for everyone. I’m not educated enough to declare myself a socialist/Marxist/communist or anything close to any of those, but I just think people should be treated equally. People tend to misunderstand me when I say that, but it seems plain as day to me. We were all made the same and come into the world naked and slippery and should be treated, in my opinion, the same until proven otherwise (aka: you kill somebody? Yeah, you don’t get to have the same equality as the rest of us, just sayin’).

I know how easy it can be to get caught up in the spirit of the season (I’m not at all religious and no longer celebrate any particular holiday though the husband is a bit of a pagan and would like to begin celebrating solstices), but give a thought to those around you. There is something to be said of humility and modesty in such matters. Growing up I would never have asked for something outright. I would long for something and ache for it, but to ask straight up? That just seemed awful. Of course I grew up poor enough to know better than to ask; it would most certainly be met with words of admonishment and shame. However, my grandma always had a way of knowing exactly what I wanted or very close to it and I never once complained (too bad this non-complaining didn’t get passed to the rest of my family).

I just don’t think that people are present enough to appreciate what they have or to acknowledge the suffering of those around them. Yesterday while doing a craft fair with a friend (Ugh! Won’t be doing one of those again!), someone she knew saw her and they were catching up and then suddenly the woman began to cry. She kept apologizing profusely for her tears, but as it turns out, her husband passed away suddenly and now she’s about to lose her home and truly has nowhere to stay very shortly. I don’t know her, but offered what advice I could on the mortgage side (I used to work in that industry, before the bubble burst) and wished her the best while being simultaneously surprised by my friend’s offer of her couch & home to this lady. And that is how it should be! When times are at their toughest, we should be offering what we can to those who need it, especially those we know and love, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve been in touch.

On Friday, as I was having my stress-induced breakdown/panic attack, a good friend whom I can’t say that I truly know, offered me and my husband and our two babies (tabby cat and puglet) a room in her house if we should so need it. I was touched beyond words. Here I was at a very dark moment in my life and this truly amazing woman, who is going through a hell of her own at the moment, offered me more than I could ever ask of another person. That pure love extended its light to me and I felt it, yo! I felt it and it warmed my heart. Call me cheesy, but it made me think. It made me cherish and it made me humble and grateful. So when I turn around after this special moment and see nothing but “I WANT!!!” “HERE’S MY UNSOLICITED WISH LIST!” “BUY ME THINGS LOLZ!” it makes me fucking nauseous!

There is always, ALWAYS!, something to be grateful for. I know life can be in the shitter from time to time and sometimes that may seem like more than you can handle, I get it! But please, take a moment to think before proclaiming your wants. And maybe? Consider doing something for someone instead of buying them a gift wrapped with ribbon. Volunteer if you can or simply offer your services and help openly to those you know and you may just be surprised by who accepts your assistance and where this new path may lead you.

A big fat serious thank you to my readers & commenters. Sometimes, when I don’t know where else to turn and I feel completely bat-shit crazy, you make me feel so much better and worth something. Thank you! <3

This post is unrelated to nearly everything I’ve posted about previously. If you’d prefer to keep your idea of me or this blog as something positive and special (Thank YOU!), please come back on Monday. But if you’ve ever wanted to open your own small business, I must warn you, this post will hold truths you may not want to read. Read on at your own risk. You have been warned.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m a small business owner. I own a small cafe near SFO. When I say small, I mean 400 square feet small! It’s a one-woman show! I do it all! I make the lattes, buy the supplies personally and everything else you can imagine. I chose the location for several reasons, but in the end it boiled down to a great lease rate and a seemingly built-in clientele. The landlord is very understanding. The amount of work it took in the first three months just to prepare the space, get everything up to code and go through an enormous amount of red tape, was staggering. Everything came together in the end, though. Everyone loves my cafe!

The first two months were so difficult. I would come home in tears from the pain in my feet/neck/back/arms/shoulders/everything! My poor-sweet-dear husband would massage what he could and cuddle for the rest. It got better. I did things and was able to accomplish what people said would take years in just a few months! Things were on the up and up and up! In the spring I was making a profit! An honest and true profit (though I couldn’t give you a figure if you put a gun to my head)! I was hopeful for the future. I thought that all of my hard work paid off!

In July suddenly there was no one coming in. Well, not no one, but nearly. A lot of families had suspended their swim lessons for the summer (swim school a few doors down would be that seemingly built-in clientele). I was hopeful that after everyone had their vacations things would pick up again. August was slow, but school was starting soon and surely this meant that people would get back into their usual schedules and start their swim lessons again. But they didn’t. September was bad. October was the worst. I had to swallow every ounce of pride I had and ask my landlord for a break in my rent for four months. He agreed. November seemed a bit better, but it was actually much worse.

It is now December 3rd and I haven’t paid my rent yet. I was in such a great mood this morning. I had the best rush of customers I’d had in ages. By 11:30am I’d made $75 when lately I’ve been pulling in $40-$60 a day (in the spring it was more like $150 a day). Then I get an email from my bank saying that my account was overdrawn. “Impossible!” I shout at no one. I check and there it is: The company that processes my credit card transactions suddenly decides to charge me 3 times the usual amount. On top of this I haven’t received my statement from them yet. So I call and I get treated like garbage. I ask for a supervisor and em denied until I demand it! I then get a voice mail and at this point I can nearly guarantee no one will respond.I owe the county $600 for the annual heath department fee. I couldn’t pay it in October when it was due, but they’ve allowed me to pay in installments (of which I haven’t made a one).

I’ve worked so hard to not incur any debt, at all! When I bought this place I cashed out my 401k (what was left of it after the bubble burst that is) and half of our savings and that was all I ever intended to spend. But things come at you from every angle and place imaginable and unimaginable. Owning a business means being treated differently than you’re used to. Customer service? Ha-ha! Forget about it! You won’t get customer service from anyone, no matter how much money you’re paying them. I pay more for a simple single phone line than a regular Joe would (and that’s only if I don’t make any actual phone calls, they cost more). Everything costs more when you add the word Business to it (and Small Business? Ha! They actually charge even more!).

After about a week of business the “Vultures” started to come out. By vultures I don’t mean the bird, but business entities which come at you incessantly all of the damned time. They never stop. They never calling or coming in. They won’t take no for an answer. They turn someone who believes in kindness and respect and honesty above all else into someone fearful and bitter towards the outside world. They will try to sell you everything under the sun all while telling you they’re not selling anything, in fact, they’d like to help you save money! They are all liars! You can’t sign anything, ever! You can’t just buy something once or in-person. You must sign-up and subscribe and forget about terminating (That would be $200 to terminate). You have to read fine print, on everything! I’ve become so distrustful and paranoid not because I’m crazy or too careful but out of a necessity, to survive!

I’ve been at this for a year and three months and it seems to me right now that it was all for naught. I have nothing to show for all of that work and pain and money than a cafe that hasn’t done a damned thing for me. I’ve been living on pennies a day. I only take home my tips and that’s often around $3 a day! It has affected every aspect of my life. I swore it wouldn’t, of course. It’s even managed to affect my marriage (Money, you buggery bastard!). I can’t take a sick day. I don’t get a vacation. I can’t take a lunch break. It’s just me. If I’m not here with the open sign on then no money comes in and no bills get paid. I’ve done everything in my power to keep overhead low. I’ve done everything on the level, by the book, within the law, to code, you name it!

The worst of the worst is “Merchant Services” companies. They’re those baddies that process credit card transactions for businesses. All businesses. No matter the size, they will gladly take a small fee (and your eyes) for their service. They also treat everyone like garbage! Ever wonder why so many businesses now insist upon you spending a specified amount for purchases with a cred or debit card? The reason is that on top of a transaction fee, percentage and monthly fees they also get to up these fees and more whenever they way, without limits! I’ve fought them tooth and nail. I still do! The company I am with has the best rates and the worst attitude ever! I get about 10-20 phone calls a week from other companies and even salespeople walking in my door offering to beat my current rates and none can. They say they can but then that fine print comes out and: Whoa! RUN!!!

My point in all of this: There is no point and no one should ever open their own business unless they are already independently wealthy. This country has no soft spot for small businesses. The city, county & state take what’s theirs and leave you to the junkyard dogs for what’s left of your bones! They look you in the eye and laugh when they see you still have a soul or heart in your body. A smile is an offense. Caring is laughable! The chips are stacked against you everywhere you turn. It’s not just the economy, I was doing fine in this economy. This economy is nearly all I’ve known. Other business owners will be nice to you at first and then you get to know them and the truth comes out. They’re in hot water or under it, too! Almost all of ’em! There’s no help! There’s no exit. And all of your dreams start circling the drain. You feel lost, alone and without a hand on anything.

It’s to the point, especially today, that I feel like I can’t breathe. There’s no reprieve. Even if I could sell the place I am not sure I would walk away with enough to live on until I found a job. My unemployment’s surely been used up (I simply stopped sending in my stubs the day I opened the cafe). If I sold the equipment? Well, it’d take forever and wouldn’t get me much at all. The space with everything in it and operational is worth far more. But in December? No one’s looking to buy anything but creepy-ass Elmo dolls! (Maude, why were those things invented?!)

I’m usually a very positive person. I’d even convinced myself, up until this afternoon, that things would work out somehow. Now? Now I’m not sure what will happen with the cafe. I’ve never been more uncertain of anything in my life. Now I’m wondering if we’ll be able to keep our apartment when our lease gets renewed in March. Now I’m wondering what I can fucking sell of my possessions (what’s left of them) to pay a bill or two. Now I’m wondering what it was all for when my only goal was a sustainable future (read: not riches and fame). I have not been without a steady personal income since I was 15! And even then I was a nanny for a family friend’s kid. WTF?! The rug has been pulled out from under me. The wind has been knocked out of my sails. I can’t breathe right now. When I try to take a deep breath, the tears come. My heart is broken and I feel betrayed. I have been through so much in my life and have worked and fought so fucking hard just to live and breathe and this still feels worse. This is worse than the break-up on my 20th birthday when I tried to kill myself (thank you Alena & Stephy for saving me that night, you’re both amazing!). I’m not giving up on life, but I am in awe at the sheer amount of pain I am in right now. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to tell my gorgeous and loving husband. I am so grateful for everything I have, but I fear that it won’t be around for long. What if it’s too much for him?

And damn you Chrissy Hynde and my fucking iPod for suddenly playing “Hymn to Her” right fucking now! Jeesh!

I seriously don’t want anyone’s pity. I can’t do a thing with it. I cannot take out a loan. Our savings (after the 12th) is long fucking gone (thanks IRS). There’s no rich relative or small miracle in the air. I’m not religious and I just don’t have it in me to believe in much today. Had you talked to me this morning you wouldn’t have believed I could have written this post. But it is what it is. I still have a lot in me, but I am just not sure what to do at this point. My landlord could kick me out by Tuesday for all I know. And then? Then I’d be proper fucked!

If you’ve read this far you’re either the sweetest thing in creation or a sick fuck who enjoys reading about others misery. Either way I thank you. I’ll be okay, somehow. If only I could catch my breath. *sobs*