As brave a face as I often put on, I am hardly the courageous type. I am often frozen in fear or nerves. Depending on the situation at hand, this may require a simple self-pep talk or a nice glass of wine. Then there are those times, more often lately than I would care to admit, when my anxiety or would-be anxiety sneakily convinces me that it’s just so much easier to turn down invites and stay the hell home. And then you find me here griping that I have no life, I never go out, I never see my friends, yadda yadda yadda. It’s a vicious cycle!

Many years ago as I was preparing to give a presentation in front of 150 executives and upper management, a colleague saw that I was freaking out and told me something that I will never forget, “You know those butterflies in your stomach? It’s not about getting rid of them, it about making them soar, in formation!” Okay, so I’m a sucker for butterflies (y’all! You seriously have to read the book “The Dangerous World of Butterflies” by Peter Laufer PHD), but she had a point. It’s not about letting your nerves get to you, but about using them as fuel or inspiration.

My BFFs and I have been going to karaoke off and on for several years. The first time I went I was so terrified that I ended up singing a Tori Amos song with a complete stranger because I just couldn’t bear doing it alone! Which is so silly, I performed a lot as a kid, but somehow at that point in my adult life, I had completely forgotten what that meant. After singing that first song? I put in another, SOLO! Woo!

As fatties, we are often worried about how others may judge or perceive us, but especially when up in front of everyone: all eyes on you! Yikes! Depending on your job, lifestyle, etc…You may never have to get up in front of people. That’s cool, too. However, I really had no choice, thanks to my last career (oh, if only I could just be a professional fat blogger). After that first presentation, which I flubbed but my boss totes covered for me all slickly, I felt accomplished! I faced my worst fears and gave ‘em a swat on the ass!

After a few more presentations (five to be precise), I got the hang of it and started to actually enjoy it! Just like with karaoke, once I felt more sure-footed, I wanted to do it on my own, on my own terms. And then, I had a friggin’ blast! And guess what? My workshop attendees did, too! That’s the thing! No one wants you to fail, you don’t want you to fail, but when you’re up there under the lights (or what have you), it seems your only option, right? Ugh!

Being fat in public can feel this way as well. Today, after a bit of a slow start thanks to a later than I had planned evening of karaoke with my BFFs, I got ready to head out and looked in the mirror: I looked cute and fashionable and more like me than I had (or had felt) in awhile. Woo! So when I did walk into my local coffee house, I held my head a bit higher, walked with a little more swagger and just didn’t even think about other people’s judgment of me. Wow! That felt good? Yep! Shocking!

I will hold that feeling in my thoughts for awhile and remember them when I am starting to feel the old anxieties creep back in, because they always do. It’s just part of being human. I mean, if Cher still gets stage fright, shit, I shouldn’t be worried at all! Another thing that has really helped me is having a song that gets you fired up. Now I’m a bit off beat in this way, but I love this one song by my fave singer of the 1930’s & 1940’s Betty Hutton *sigh*, and I would put that song on repeat in the car on the way to the venue and sing along, really belting it out, over and over, until I felt I had expelled my anxiety. It became such a source of strength for me. It helps that the song in the movie it’s from is used as somewhat of an audition for her character, but it works for a lot of things I have found.

I’m especially terrible when going to parties. Oh how I used to love them, but I was dating Jose Cuervo at the time (Ha!). Now? Oh dear Maude! Now I am a bundle of pressure and stress and nerves and that’s just the getting dressed or wrapping a gift part. The drive over itself? Oh I’m such a mess. I don’t know why, but I always think I’m going to walk into a party in full-swing and lose my motor skills! Like I’ll smile and say hi and embrace the host/ess and then my tongue will literally fall out of my mouth and droll all over the place. Fears don’t have to be rational. Ha! But being fat or exceptionally fat (I like that, I’m exceptionally fat, yo!), it can make things feel even more intense than they are for many of us.

What have you done to squash your fears and anxieties? Have you kept yourself from something you want to do because of them? What has being publicly fat been like for you? Tell me about it! 

Thanks,

<3
S

My usual morning routine: *alarm goes off* Jump out of bed, head to the restroom to relieve bladder, take a shower, moisturize like the dickens, blow-dry hair, get dressed while being attacked by a tabby, put on shoes while being mauled by a pug, kiss husband goodbye, head to the grocery store for supplies for the cafe, buy said groceries, drive 45 minutes to the cafe, park and carry many bags, drop bags and turn on many machines, prep/load groceries to their proper places, open cafe for business, make a cappuccino for myself. Ah!

I’m a no-fuss kind of gal. I don’t put on make-up unless I have tons of extra time (I always make a mess) or it just tickles me to do it or I have an occasion to wear it. I only started to blow0dry my hair in the morning when I got my hair cut short, it’s so fast and easy this way. Before, when my hair was shoulder-length or a bit longer, I would simply pull it back while wet. My work uniform is basically jeans and a top, rarely varies. Running a cafe is messy work and coupled with an apron this uniform allows me comfort and durability. I exclusively wear Keen brand shoes to work as they are the most comfortable I have found.

I don’t dress for anyone else but myself. This hasn’t always been the case, but it is now and I’m quite fine with that. In my last career (corporate trainer in customer service and computer skills), I had to look professional. I was surrounded by the upper reaches of the corporate ladder and thus had to “fit in” or look a certain way. When I was first promoted to this position, I barely had a thing to wear. I relied on Lane Bryant and Avenue because they were local and I could just pop in and buy one piece at a time. When I found LB’s Madison Trousers (R.I.P.) I was in love! I have short legs, ginormous ass/thighs and a waist (not a small one but it’s there). Their 28P fit like a dream! My first pair were black, but I later got them in grey and a heathered beige. LB’s camis also saved me plenty of times when I didn’t have much to wear but a cami and a cardigan! Man, those things rocked!

When I began to give presentations and things in front of large quantities of people, I sought out blazers and more classically professional gear. And there in lies the expensive bit! A blazer, even the halfway decent one I got at Avenue, costs hella money, yo! I think I paid $49 just for my plain, simple, classic, black blazer. Yikes! I also already had a tuxedo style one from LB that I would pair with dressier tops. I mixed and matched and added little things to these staples as I went along. But that wasn’t the end of the fitting in thing. Oh no!

OMG! SHOES! For many a fat, shoes are the playing field leveler! Anyone can wear shoes, duh! NO! Here I was in an office full of fancy ladies: fake nails, perfect tans, flawless make-up, dressed to the 9’s and very high heels! What?! Oh Noes!!! Yeah, I was doomed. I had never worn the things, never had to and never felt terribly inclined. At this point in my life I knew I had wider than average feet, but I was still shopping at Payless Shoe Source because that’s where I’d always bought my shoes! Not only that, but I would later discover that I’d been wearing the wrong size shoes for many years! (I was wearing 7’s and 7W’s, but I’m truly an 8W.)

I bought some shoes with shorter heels. I tried wedges and chunky heels and everything in between. Kitten heels were in suddenly and I had one patent leather pair I adored! But they all fucked up my feet like nobody’s business! I would dread having to walk or stand for very long. I would make excuses to not go on lunch dates with work pals. I was missing out! Because of some silly notion that I had to wear heels. When a new co-worker moved into our office we bonded over shoes and our in-common wide feet. I shared catalogs and we placed orders together. It was like when you first start dating someone and everything is just clicking.

When I broke my foot on the job (just walking, nothing crazy, wasn’t even wearing heels that day), I knew I could never worry about fitting in or wearing heels again. I had had enough! Not to mention that I had to wear a splint on my foot for what seemed like ten years (a few weeks). What became so apparent to me then was how important comfort and support are. Not just in footwear, but fashion, friends, significant others: Love and support and comfort are necessary to be your best you! Radical stuff, no?

While I love fashion’s wild side and often wish I could do my eyeliner evenly (let alone those lovely winged liner styles) and wear my hair in all sorts of over-the-top dos, it’s just not me. I’m a Doc Marten’s and denim gal. Gimme a flannel and a granny dress with combat boots and watch me conquer the fucking world! Sure, I go through phases when I wear a certain style OUT! But in the end I just wanna be comfy, ya know? I just want to be me, whatever that means on that particular day. When I find myself in the job market again, I’ll wear my business attire, but the shoes will be my own choice! I shall not bend to peer pressure or long to be someone else.

I was reminded of this several months ago when a friend began a new job. This friend and I had so much in common, especially when it came to dressing comfortable and not wearing make-up, things like that. This new job she started, well, most of the ladies she worked with had fake nails, wore Mary Kay, smoked cigarettes and dressed more fancy than she was used to. She resisted at first. I encouraged her to stay true to who she was. In the end though, they won. She started smoking again (after having quit for quite awhile), got fake nails, started buying make-up. While this is hardly the reason we’re no longer friends, I have to admit it was a bit bizarre to see someone I thought I knew transform, almost before my eyes, into someone else entirely. It made me sad, ya know?!

My point is (what? a point? I know, right?! ha!), when you get dressed in the morning, ask yourself who is it all for? If it’s not for you, then who? And why? Are you being your best you or trying to fit into something you’re not entirely comfortable with? I encourage everyone to do this:

Question        every        damned        thing!!!

<3
S

Last night I was in rare form (though not really), an ad came on TV and I just started yellin’! I do this from time to time. Like when I watch Food Network Challenges (Ha!) or Hockey or movies where the characters make a dumb move (Always stay in the car!) or even reruns of old shows like X-Files (why do they never shoot the tires out to keep the bad guy from getting away?). But last night there were two commercials that just got me riled up! (I swear a heck of a lot, just to warn ya!)

The first was some sort of exercise game for x-box or something. You wouldn’t have known it at first because it was just a bunch of people talking about going to te gym or getting in shape, staying fit, yadda yadda yadda. When they finally said and showed the game, I was flummoxed! I shouted, “Why couldn’t you just say you don’t have to go to the gym to get in shape? Why couldn’t they say that there’s other ways to get exercise? Why don’t they promote it more positively so it is more attractive to people who aren’t gym rats?!” and then cursed ’em out for a minute or three.

It drove me batty, I tell ya! But it is true; the game isn’t a gym simulator in the least, so why promote it in such a way? I feel they truly lost an opportunity, an audience and most certainly a market share. Yet these idiot marketers are so good at that, right? Had they simply had people saying that they aren’t interested in going to a gym (too expensive, time consuming, boring, gross…) and wanted something more fun and then showed the same people playing/exercising with the game it would have had a much more positive impact! Hello? There are other and far more interesting ways to move your body without stupid gym machines. Ugh!

Not long after this, another commercial did me in! A ridiculous one for a feminine wash product. It had women saying they were terribly concerned about “feminine odor issues.” This one got me truly shouting, “Your vagina doesn’t smell! No one can smell your vagina unless they’re nose-deep into it! Stop freaking women out about their pussies! For fuck’s sake, stop perpetuating vaginal lies and fear!” My husband had questions after my bout of shouts (ooh, good band name!). We discussed the worldwide fear of vaginas. How a lot of women don’t know their anatomy or would even recognize their own vagina.

It drives me bonkers! But then, I too once feared my vagina. Not fear in the murderous sense (oh Maude, could you imagine? My vagina is trying to kill me!), but in the unfamiliar and icky sense and that is bullshit! I find especially when I talk about menstrual cups and all of their magical greatness that a lot of women get are filled with trepidation about it. Even when I mention the fact that the chances of getting TSS (toxic shock syndrome) are practically null!  Or the fact that there’s no waste! Ugh! Don’t get me started on that…

Feminine wash? Okay, I use one, but because it is Ph balanced and I had some semi-traumatic childhood memories involving bar soap and my genitals (ouch!). When my husband asked how I use the wash I explained that I just use it for the outer bits and not inside of any orifice. I am not worried about my pussy’s odor, hardly, and it’s not like it gets dirty in the filthy sense. Also, I don’t want any soap residue happening. However, even when I am without my fave cooter cleanser, just water is totally fine for the most part. It is in the actual vagina, and not the labia or vulva (outer/inner lips),that you should not use products to cleanse. I have often heard  phrase “self cleaning oven” used in regards to why. But basically you have beneficial flora/bacteria that you need intact in order to fight off infections and things. If you throw off that natural balance you could be causing yourself more harm than you know. Yet these companies find new ways all of the time to oppress women.

In regards to yesterday’s post, in case you didn’t catch the comments (usually where all of the real action happens), I asked what we can do to get the positive messages of Fat Acceptance/Body Acceptance and Health At Every Size to the masses. No one had an answer, but these commercials made me realize just how impactful such a message could be. I think the problem with this is simple: Funding! That’s how these silly products get to the public, right? So who could we get to sponsor such an endeavor? Perhaps we could team up with another group of people who are discriminated against?

I would love to hear your thoughts! Or, just because it’s Tellin’ It Tuesday, tell it like it is in comments, even if it’s not about this post.

Thanks for reading & Rock On!

<3
 S

I don’t do Trigger Warnings, but this is all kinds of triggering. So this is a Trigger Warning for pretty much anything and everything relating to diet talk, weight loss and so much more. Ugh! (Also, I swear!)

A&E has a new show called, “Heavy” from the site: A&E’s new docudrama Heavy follows twenty-two individuals facing extreme life-threatening health consequences as a result of their obesity. The one-hour series follows two participants per episode documenting their incredible transformations during a six month treatment program.

(The ad at the top right when I loaded the page was for onestopplus.com, the one at the bottom of the page is from avenue.com, irony much?)

The ad I found in a magazine I subscribe to (Entertainment Weekly) is what made me look it up. The image for the ad seems overly doctored and just weird. A woman standing on a scale blank-faced, staring right at you. Also, the people in the ad/ads aren’t actually from the show, they could be models or CGI, not sure. But it bugged me enough to go online and look it up. The tag line for the series, “Losing is their only hope.” UGH!

“Unlike other weight loss series, “Heavy” is not a competition or stunt, but is rooted in the incredible real life day-to-day journeys of the participants during a lengthy treatment program. In order to most accurately document these multiple weight loss journeys over the course of six months and present them individually in one hour, A&E sought out two different production companies to undertake the lengthy and ambitious filming process. The result is a never-before-seen look at the unique struggles faced by dangerously obese individuals who must learn to live healthier lifestyles and understand the root of their food addictions. Through their day-to-day struggle and the voices of their loved ones, viewers will see first hand the pain and self-doubt associated with a debilitating weight problem.”

This makes me feel ill. I just don’t have the words right now. I won’t discount that some people do have food addictions, and maybe everyone they chose for the series does have one, but not all fats have a fucking food addiction! That’s absurd! Well, except for the simple fact that all living things NEED FOOD!!! WTF?! I have never watched any weight loss series/show. I have seen clips from “Biggest Loser” and decided on my own that it wasn’t for me. And after reading Golda’s interview with BL finalist Kai Hibbard I knew it wasn’t going to “entertain” me, at all. The whole concept sickens me. But I digress…

“In the premiere episode, viewers meet Tom and Jodi, both 37 from Houston, TX, and learn why they are heavy and how they must reverse their lifestyles or die.”

This is what pissed me off most: “Jodi, 5-foot-6 and 363 pounds, is at a critical juncture with her health. Her heaviness prevents her from keeping up with her husband and two children and from her favorite pastime, singing with her brothers in a band.”

What the fucking fuck?! My weight has never stood in the way of keeping up with my husband and our puppy or my love of singing…SINGING! It mentions her fear of suffering another stroke. And this: -Wants to lose the weight to avoid another stroke
Am I wrong here? I thought a stroke was a blood clot in the brain, no? How the hell does weight affect this? If I’m wrong, let me know. I know that individual experiences differ so very greatly, but I just don’t buy any of this.

The Bios page is the worst bit for me. You click on a picture and it gives the “bio” for the person. Only, it’s no bio like I’ve seen, it’s only stats, health problems, limitations and “stakes.” I mean, half of these people, when you read what it is that they want, they just need FA & HAES! One gal, Julia, says “Scared of getting diabetes” under health problems. So, wait…she doesn’t even have any health problems! WTF?!

Look, the ignorance runs deep with this show. It makes me sad and angry. And this anger, this very special kind of anger that cuts right to the heart of my big fat fucking body, it fuels my fat activist flame! It is because of stupid bullshit like this being broadcast to the masses (not sure what the ratings are like for A&E, but it’s more than ten people and that’s too many) that I and so many other fat bloggers/activists work to spread the word, support one another and just be publicly fat and happy, dammit!

Had these people been introduced to Fat Acceptance before being approached by A&E they may have an entirely different outlook on themselves, life and the world all together. I know I do!

So what can we do to spread the word on FA & HAES? How can we let A&E know that this show is bullshit? What else can we do?

I just had the most gorgeous and lovely piece of chocolate (Ritter Sport Milk Chocolate with Butter Biscuit inside it, glorious!) and I am finally, FINALLY, satisfied. You see, lovelies, when I get hormonal before my lady-times (ha-ha! My period for the uninitiated), I want two things: Bread & Chocolate! This last cycle o’ mine I had bought a seemingly nice bar of fancy chocolate at Cost Plus World Market, but when I had a piece it was nothing like what I had imagined. It was less flavorful, there was no body to it’s texture and it left me wanting something else. While choosing this silly choco-bar, I eyed my beloved Ritter Sport, but the price was a bit high for a damned candy bar, so I left it in favor if the on-sale one. Boo! Since then all I wanted was a decent piece of fucking chocolate. And now? I’m satisfied!

I had intended to write a big post today about weight loss ads and their devious and disgusting ways, but this little piece of chocolate loving heaven left me in a better head space and why muck it up with negativity, ya know?

I am sick and tired of hearing or seeing people who clearly want one thing opt for another simply because it appears better/healthier/trendier/fancier/etc. FUCK ALL OF THAT! If you want a piece of Boston Cream Pie, well you won’t be satisfied by a tiny cup of yogurt flavored to taste like it. Just grab yourself some actual BCP and you may just find that you don’t need to eat the whole thing or maybe you do and then you won’t have that craving again. Denying yourself leads to obsession and poor choices or dangerous behaviors (I could have hurt someone had I not indulged in my little choco-fix).

This all goes along with self-care! Listen to your body signals and cues and it’s okay to question them, but don’t deny them! If you want full-fat milk, have a glass! If you want a coke, go for it! Don’t settle for non-fat or diet versions of the real thing if that’s what you want (not to mention the chemicals in these beasties-yeeesh!).

I hear this shit all of the time at my cafe, women (mostly, though there was that one MD, ha-ha!) will order something and then comment about what they really want! Yes, I encourage them to get what they want, but in the end I cannot force anyone to do anything. In my experience my desire for something only grows when I want it and don’t get it. Light freaking quality opaque tights in my size in gorgeously rich colors (and that I can afford, I know, a unicorn!). Ahem. I digress…

Whatever your heart or belly or tongue or brain or body, etc, wants, please do allow yourself that. You’re worth it. <3