I was really upset when I read this article about the Scott sisters. I have been following their case for a few months now via Hard Knock Radio and in my opinion they didn’t even commit the crime that they were sentenced for. They have been serving time for something they in fact did not do! 16 years is a long fucking time to be behind bars, especially when you have health problems. I am trying to come up with the words, but shit! They won’t even test them for compatibility for the kidney transplant until one quits smoking and they each lose a substantial amount of weight. WTF?! Obviously Jamie Scott is in dire need of the transplant or it wouldn’t be an issue, but to not even test for compatibility? That is some heavy bullshit right there! She want to have WLS but her doctors don’t think she’s healthy enough. WTF?! They want her to lose 100 lbs before even trying to find a kidney for her. She is 5 feet tall and 254 pounds. While her sister, who has been asked to lose 60 lbs, is 4 feet 9 inches tall and 184 pounds. Is it just me or does this seem like a ridiculous thing? To hold a woman’s life on the line for some assholes to push their dieting lies?! What kills me is this quote, “If Jamie Scott doesn’t lose weight now, doctors have told her that she is putting her heart at risk.” ACK! I don’t have the words or the spoons or the sanity points for this today. But damn! This is a crazy fucked up world we live in, y’all!

Today’s TMI post is about Knowing & Trusting Your Body and how others try to make you mistrust yourself or simply call you a liar. If this is triggering for you, please come back tomorrow for the regularly scheduled post. Thank so much.

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Knowing & Trusting Your Body…

And your experiences inside that body! Yeah, I said that. Why would I say it? Because, y’all, I had a moment the other night when talking to my husband about my dental work history (because part of my temporary filling broke off and I need to get in there to have it fixed) that made me realize that not only does my husband not remember shit, he also doesn’t trust my own experiences within my own fucking body. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man like no one else on this earth, but I felt invalidated and vulnerable and so I have this newest experience to share.

All of this turned into a discussion about all of the work I’ve had done on my teeth and what I still need. When I went into why I still have a temporary filling on a tooth that needs both gum surgery and a permanent crown he asked why I hadn’t had it done. OMZ! A.) We have no money! B.) the first time I had the same procedure done I came home with my face bruised on one entire side and my lips completely lacerated. It was so bad I almost couldn’t stand up long enough to pay. The ortho-surgeon knew it, too. He knew he was extra rough with me. He even made a fucking joke about it after. ASSHOLE! The moment I paid the tears came and the shitty receptionist look horrified (yes, she was rude and shitty, it must be said) as I ran to my fucking car!

It took me a couple of days before I called my own dentist to complain about the surgeon he referred me to. When he heard about my experience and the injuries that resulted he apologized profusely and insisted he will no longer refer his patients to him. I was in such pain and pretty shaken up that I think it triggered some old stuff at the same time, too. (Though I only realized this last night when retelling this story to my husband.) I felt fucking violated! To top it off I had to do the salt rinses for a month after until the stitches healed and I got my permanent crown installed. When I told my husband that I remember it so clearly because he gave me shit every single day and insisted I wasn’t doing the salt rinses correctly even though he wasn’t actually witnessing my doing them? I almost lost my temper. Almost, because then he mumbled something about my possibly not allowing him into the bathroom to inspect me. ASSHOLE!*

I knew at that moment that nothing I fucking said would make a damned difference. He did not believe me when I shared my own experience in my own body. Sometimes this is just the way of the world, even when you think you know a person, man, they can surprise you. And this isn’t the first time. This happens to fats the world over. Sadly, it even happens to those whose lives are filled with FA goodness. Ha-ha! He still doesn’t believe me when I say you cannot eat your way to diabetes (if this is the first time you’ve heard that sentence click here and read the comments, too). When I said that to friends one night you would have thought I took a shit on the floor in front of them (okay, not really). But jaws did drop and I was quickly shut down.

And this happens all of the time when you’re fat. Maybe not always because you’re fat, but I feel like it happens more when you are. We are called liars by our doctors, friends, family and dentists and treated much differently than our thinner counterparts. I had a dentist (not my regular one, he rocks) ask if I ate a lot of candy. When I said no he insisted, “There’s no candy bowl at the office? Hm?” I was infuriated! I mean, the nerve! But there it is folks, your good fat word isn’t good enough for the non-fat sometimes. So I am making it my personal mission that when this comes up again, because let’s face it it totally will, I will look the person dead in the eye and say slowly and clearly, “Really?! You are telling me that my own experience in my own body is a lie? You have some nerve and I would rather speak to someone who will talk to me like an adult human being!” We’ll see what happens. Ha-ha!

What have you been told was a lie when it obviously (to you at least) wasn’t? Have you been invalidated by someone you love? Tell me all about it.

*Yes, I can call him that, but no one else. Please do not for one second consider calling him names.

**Also, I am still accepting “Dear Auntie Fats” questions for an upcoming weekly advice type column. Please email any/all questions: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

It seems we’re talking about it even when we’re trying not to, so let’s address it directly, shall we? (TW for mentions of weight loss)

I know, I know, just existing is seen as a big fucking deal when you have a fat body sometimes, I get it! Believe me, I GET IT! And it is especially difficult when the hate spewing or diet talk is coming from those you love and trust and damn, dude, it’s HARD! I know that I want to be informed and come across as such but then in the moment, well, sometimes I don’t have the words. And you know what? That’s okay, too! A sound of dismayed frustration is a perfectly acceptable response to someone’s fat hate/diet talk (to me they feel similar at times). Realize that when you speak up/out against what would be the publicly accepted norm that you are troubling those waters.Picture the ripples and just go with it! Rock that boat! =0)

While often we must deal with the misinformed or misguided, often people say the things they do due to their own experience of pain and outrage about their own weight. Your very existence reminds them of this and so they might feel compelled to say something hateful because you represent the thing that should not be in themselves. When you meet this rage or what have you with compassion and empathy? Well, in my experience, this just throws them off track completely. Random person, “I wanted to tell you about how I lost XX lbs…” Me, “Oh! That’s sweet of you to think of me. I appreciate the thought. It’s okay though, I’m perfectly happy with my body. How are you feeling today?” Usually does the trick, honestly! It’s like reverse concern trolling! Ha!

OOH! Reverse concern trolling? Yep! It can be done! I would warn that each situation may need to be handled differently, but hey the more facts and figures you have the better you will sound. I personally recommend this book & site for help in this. I wish every person could read “Health At Every Size” by Linda Bacon PHD. It rocked my socks and it will yours as well. You can start with the health over weight argument. Or how toxins stored in your fat cells can be released into your bloodstream and can make you quite sick when losing weight. Of course the 95-98% failure rate of dieting. Appeal to their self-interest!

Remember that deep down the person (hopefully) is just hoping for good things to happen for you. To them this may seem like weight loss is the good thing, but if their argument is overall health and not appearance, then they are trying at least. And you can help them by referring them to web sites or books or if you’ve memorized some handy stats, do offer those, too. While listening to Marilyn Wann on the Body Love Revolution tele-summit recently, I was impressed with her comparison of health care to a life raft. How can you exclude a very specific group of people from being saved? You can’t, it’s wrong…Next!

Be the conscientious objector! You don’t have to start yelling or calling anyone names, just object mindfully and remain calm (especially with family, damn they do know how to push your buttons). Explain what you think is the underlying problem or voice your own beliefs on the subject and/or move on and change the subject. Or, you know what? Walk the hell out! One caller from that same tele-summit with Ms.Wann said that he left the dinner table with his family when they started in on the diet talk saying, “I would much rather be listening to an awesome fat activist.” and he just left! That is so rad! But do get up and leave and don’t just be dramatic for no reason or you’ll end up like that sketch on SNL where Kristen Wiig’s character keeps getting up and flicking her dinner napkin until they beg her to come back to the table (about eleventy times). Ha-ha! (Sorry, tried to find a clip, but no dice.)

There is also power in being the equivalent to the Boogey Man! I mean, in this moral panic sort of environment, why not capitalize on this way of thinking and just scare the shit out of people? Ha-ha!

How do you deal with fat haters? What would you like to see in the face of this hate? Share your victory story against fat hate or make one up! We’ll never know. Ha!

Thanks,
<3
S

Were you on the call last night? What call? The BodyLoveRevolution.com Telesummit! That’s what call! Last night’s guest was none other than Marilyn Wann! Can I just say now that I loved every moment?! It felt an awful lot like listening in on some secret fat-rebel meeting or something. Like I was peeping the fat secrets! I was inspired, of course. I am not sure anyone wouldn’t be listening in. I took all kinds of notes, but I think I need to let some of them simmer a bit to fully plot what I want to do with them. If you haven’t been on any of the telesumit calls (last night’s was the third), go register now and you can listen to past recordings, too!

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Fat Hate: We Just Wanna Live Our Lives!

Something struck me last night when the topic of fat hate and it’s various results and consequences came up; all any of us want (dare I say anyone in the world?) is to live our lives! That’s it! Just live and let live, right? So why do people feel the need to interfere, intercept or downright intervene?! It’s silly, really. What good thing as come from hating a specific group or person? Anything positive at all? I can’t think of anything.

When I was five (or four, can’t remember) my first self-chosen record (this being vinyl, not cassette or as yet invented CD), it was Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s So Unusual.” And of course the big hit off that record was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!” It was everywhere, it was 1983 and Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was the next one I got (though the entire family enjoyed it). Something about Cyndi struck a chord with me and hasn’t let up since. I begged my dad to let me do my hair like hers: shaved on one side with wild ratted-up colors on the other! I was FIVE! He said no. No debate, just no. Ha-ha!

The message in her songs and especially her big single was simply that girls (people) want to be left to do as they will. Not in spite of or despite other people or opinions, but to just be and do as they like. Isn’t that what freedom is all about? While listening to Golda & Marilyn last night I was suddenly reminded of that feeling I got, laying on the living room floor, reading the lyrics on the jacket while Cyndi blasted through the speakers of the family turn table. The feeling of joyous rebellion! The feeling of finally knowing what I wanted! The feeling you get when you identify with someone else’s thoughts/beliefs/opinions/ect. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted with my hair and my life. Profound for a five year old, perhaps, but I do see now how this shaped my life.

As fats, we don’t always get to live quite as freely as we’d like. Sure, we can walk down the street and not care what anyone thinks. But then someone drives by and yells some hate at us. I’m making no comparisons here, but replace the word fat with something else and it will come across as far more violent and scary a thing to experience. And it can often feel like you are being physically attacked. In a way, we are, we all are! There’s no proper or helpful response to this, either. There is no recourse or a mode of action that would prevent it from happening ever again. We choose to walk anyway. We choose to go about our lives as we please. All the while hoping that one fine day the hate will stop, and we’ll be free of that, too.

It seems a daunting thing to consider when you just want some fresh air or to walk the dog, for fuck’s sake! But it is a reality that we deal with. I hate to think about the fatty that cannot bring themselves to go out and enjoy such a simple thing due to the fear of being attacked for simply looking a certain way. But it is a reality. And sadly, it is one that there is no easy solution for. You can let the absurdity of that hateful moment roll off your back, it may hurt too much to do so, but we grow stronger over time or we find a less populated route to walk in. And some of us simply go about our lives knowing this will happen, and ready or not it will at some point, and either don’t care or somehow find a way to relish in the stupidity of such shallowness and hate.

I don’t have an antidote or solution for such things, but I do still walk the dog in my neighborhood. I am still fat in public and I don’t care who knows about it. Let’s face it, my size cannot and should not (in my opinion) be hidden. I live a life out loud, so to speak, and would rather enjoy what I can while I can than hide from the world that would rather have me disappear all together anyway. Why live on someone else’s terms? Why hide? It’s not easy, sure, but wouldn’t it be better to at least try to live in your own terms even if that bubble gets popped from time to time? For me it is. And it is easier when you’re not alone.

I do find my version of rebellion to be a joyful experience. Whether this means going strapless in public or having some pretty deep discussions about body politics with my cafe’s customers, I find a way to get joy from that. When a customer said that she’d rather have the terrible chemicals in a sugar-free syrup (I refuse to offer such things in my shop) regardless of the consequences (and there are many) than to ingest the calories? Well, I had no response for her. I smiled and let her be. In my heart I knew I had tried to reach her with the truth and some people will simply never accept anything other than their own beliefs. Just as I have given eggplant oh so many chances to taste better and be more palatable (oh so many attempts you have no idea), in the end I do simply hate it. Nothing personal against the eggplant, it’s a pretty thing really, but it’s just not going to happen for me.

It’s not that easy when you’re dealing with actual people. To be told to your face that you are unacceptable and nothing will sway or change this person’s opinion because they choose to hold onto this hateful belief of their? Well, it sucks and it’s bullshit but you have to find a way to deal with it to remain an active person in modern society. We all have our own ways of doing that, but I always feel that in that moment, all of my fat acceptance community friends are sitting on my shoulders cheering me on! Is that so strange? To know in my heart that I have the support of so many amazing people? I don’t think it is, because I’m sitting on your shoulders, cheering you on, too! Every day! I’m right there, “You can do it!”

Thank you for that. <3

Sometimes it can feel as though the world literally hates me/us/fats and wants us to know it! (Also, I swear a lot, you’ve been warned!)

Sometimes I just want to catch up on some fucking world news (funny doing this online when my community radio does a much better and stellar job: KPFA.org) without getting hated upon! Is that so much to ask? Of course it is, when you’re fat!

So I was checking out some news stories and saw a head line that grabbed my eyes:  New Anti-Sugar Ad Is Very Graphic (Trigger Warning as the video in the link depicts some nastiness) Hmmm…so I clicked it. *head desk*

I’m still on the fence about sugar. I love the stuff, don’t get me wrong, but I also know that what we use it for and how much of it and how processed the shit is…well, it’s scary! I have personally cut back on my sugar intake for no reason other than things started to become too sweet for my taste buds. My husband and I have to water down juice and other such things and often cut the sugar in a recipe or substitute for agave or honey when possible. I believe that he is a little more concerned about sugar than I am, but I’m very aware of what I eat and its ingredients. This is a personal choice and I am not promoting a damned thing! And I don’t believe that the ad inside the link above is the right way to go about it.

For one thing, it’s packed full of bullshit! The video, that is. Not only do we get the treat (SARCASM) of a few headless fatties, but we also get graphic images of gangrenous toes, someone being resuscitated from a heart attack and more. Why is this bullshit? Well, as the article attached to the video states:
“Those [effects] are not that common. They’re usually very end-stage,” Fendt said. “Those are generally in people with very, very poor control and not a lot of follow-up. It’s not like you get diabetes and you wake up a day later and your toes fall off.”

DAMMIT! Really?! Okay, before I move on, let’s address that quote: “poor control and not a lot of follow-up” BULLSHIT! “Poor Control” hmm…when the water that comes out of your fucking tap has more chemicals in it than your average energy drink (YIKES!!!), there’s a reason we fall victim to the tastiness of just about everything else. (Not really victim, poor attempt at humor on my part.) Not to mention that we have been marketed to since we were children that “Coke Is It!” and all that shit. So what if I am part of the “Pepsi Generation” (I think everyone in the world is according to Pepsi, ha!) and want a nice cold one from time to time. No, I don’t personally have soda on a daily basis*, but there is nothing inherently wrong with that if I chose to, either.

Control: It’s bullshit! Just like “will power” and all of those other so-commonly-used-they’re-obviously-bullshit-phrases/words. What it boils down to, I think, is that everything we do is a choice. You can absolutely choose to have a super big gulp for breakfast and a twinkie for lunch. No worries from me. It’s a fucking choice! There’s no morality here. There’s nothing that requires control or regulation (Maude knows they have been trying though), but to put out a “PSA” that basically says through images that if you eat/drink this way you will OMFGDIE! It’s just not that simple. Now poor nutrition can make anyone sick. Look around the world and you’ll find evidence of this. But it’s generally in nations and areas without options/choices at all. Are they “bad” people for not eating a healthy and balanced diet? Should they elicit some magical will power to hold out for better food? Fuck all of that! They eat what they can when they can to fucking survive!

And here we get yet another fat = death bullshit line. The fatty on the scooter may have had other issues besides his weight that has left him with mobility issues. And hey what’s that? Another fatty walking beside him! What about her? Is she going to die, too? (Oh wait, is that a spoiler for a sequel?!) Hey NYC Health Department!!! Over here *waves hands violently-arms all a-flappin’* You’re all kinds of wrong with this message. You guys should seriously check out our own US Surgeon General‘s thoughts on the subject.

I personally believe that the way to get people to eat healthier is to educate them on what they are eating and how that affects their body/mind/overall health/etc. And then leave it up to them! It’s a free country after all, no? But I also know that the choices you may have are much more difficult to make when you are near or below the poverty line. My husband and I can’t afford all of those gorgeous organic fruits and veggies that we used to love cooking with. We have to choose one thing over another. Growing up it was much much worse, too. My family subsisted on little more than rice/pasta, frozen vegetables (nothing wrong with that!) and ground beef. Bright yellow packaging with bold black lettering (nothing brand name entered our house that I can recall, except kool-aid and that was a treat.) A lot of people don’t have a fresh food type of grocer near their homes at all. Please, if you’ve read this far, do not comment that there is a choice regardless of income, I haven’t the energy or will to argue right now and I’ve had that argument too many damned times, I’m done.

Shocking people into not drinking sugary drinks? Poor choice NYC Health Department. Why not take the opportunity to explain how sugar works once ingested? I bet most people in this country don’t know or understand this. I just found out that a very good friend’s gall bladder ruptured from an overdose of vitamin B (Rockstar energy drinks are to blame, specifically). I had no idea that this was possible. And I love learning about nutrition and its affects on the body. But let people decide on their own what to do with this knowledge. And why not work with these major manufacturers to see if they could reduce the sugar in these things by 25% (without adding a damned thing else, please)?! And while I’m at it, why don’t we address the affects of Aspartame (what’s in most diet drinks)?! I think that’s doing more damage to more people than any of us realizes.

Also, sugar intake does not equal fat. In some it can and in others it absolutely does not! And diabetes? Don’t get me started on this again! (Great resources in comments on that post.) You cannot eat your way to diabetes!

Stop perpetuating bullshit stereotypes and start actually caring about the health of your city’s residents!
Fat people do have brains, too! Give us a chance to fucking use them!!!