I worked really hard to be a positive and self accepting and loving person. How did I forget how hard it is to BE that person?! Life events, one right after another, sent me into a whirlwind or a tailspin or whatever and I forgot who I was, what makes me happy or how to feel happy and I wasn’t so sure I would ever shake it. It didn’t seem to ever be getting better. All the bad things and all of the bad thoughts that accompany them. Feeling insignificant in the world and even in the role I played in my own life, it was soul crushing and heart breaking. Physically I went through so much in such a short amount of time that I’m certain I’m still recovering. I am so grateful and beyond lucky to have the few tried and true souls that I do have in my life, they have kept me going when I couldn’t see the point. My boyfriend has remained the most positive person when my darker moments have scared others away. Of this I have been in complete awe of him. But when we met I was that person to him. Life is such a mind-fuck! (When in doubt hyphenate?)

I am once again (again again again) starting anew. It feels very different this time, though I bet I’ve said that every time. Some timing and planning has thus far worked out in my favor in some small but meaningful ways and this has helped me feel a bit less stressed, thank the stars above for that. Stress has been my master these last few months and so the proverbial rug getting pulled out from under me has lifted much of a very heavy stress load provider. To the extent that I’m sort of in shock-mourning, too. Mind-fuck! Ugh! And it’s like I have to keep doing this same pattern over and over and I’m wondering if it’s me and everyone telling me it’s not and I just can’t think straight anymore.

I recently found an old dilapidated box in my garage and hadn’t laid eyes on much of its contents in more than twenty years. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least, but really good overall. Just last week I went to look for a picture to use as an introduction for a fat group on facebook and found myself staring at a stranger, that stranger was me. But I was doing things and feeling fulfilled and looking at it all now just seems so foreign! That person seems a lifetime away. I couldn’t have done all of that?! It made me sad and tired. I’m proud of my accomplishments, don’t get me wrong, but I no longer feel capable of such things now. I feel so worn out. So much has been taken from me, used up.

I was terrified to go to a local rad fatty’s party but had promised I would go and as hard as it was to actually go that first time, I’m so glad that I did! I had such support, but soon found that I didn’t need it. I really was among good people, friends and community. I attended another party of hers solo and had such a great time. I was worried for nothing! Ha-ha! What else is new, eh?! I have been truly touched, moved and have been fortunate to connect with such amazing people there that I am healing some of the hurt that’s been with me awhile.

I’ve been reconnecting a lot. With music and dance and my femme-ness. With learning how to be me again. With learning all over again that it takes a lot of work and mindfulness to be positive. With my sweet little puggo! Oh he’s the best! He’s my little shadow again, by my side with vigilance and love and oh wait no he’s staring at his automatic feeder (I’ve now dubbed “Pug TV”). Ha-ha! I went from no time to breathe to sleepless nights and hours passing like years. Good things happen in tiny snatches of light, but I celebrate them just the same.

I want to write again, like I used to. I want to use my words, my writing, to share my heart with you all once again. It helped me so much in the past. I hope this begins a new chapter of that, but I’m not yet willing to be hopeful. I would love to hear from you! In comments, in an email, tell me how you’re doing, what’s got you excited, what’s sticking in your craw, what silly thing have you done lately?!?!?! I wanna know! notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I love you all so much, for real!
<3
S