Where your head is at absolutely affects how you talk about things like yourself and your passions. Case in point, whilst on a date with a “special geek” I actually heard myself say, “You know, all that silly activism stuff that I do.” What? I know! This is what I love, this is my passion, why would I minimize it like that? Well, the truth is, I was playing the role of Awkward Girl (sidekick to Anxiety Girl) and felt so weird, suddenly, talking about it. Why? The geek in question was genuinely curious about my “Love Your Muffin top” bumper sticker and I was suddenly overcome with self consciousness and just…Blergh!

I have had past dates become very impressed with me when talking about my activism. I do tend to get a bit carried away and chatter on for too long, but no one’s complained thus far. I guess, this most recent flub, I realized that I’d probably talked about all that stuff early on (specifically date #2) and felt he was already impressed with me enough so why push it or wear it out. At the same time, I disappointed myself by being so flippant about something that means so much to me.

I’m not usually quite so awkward on dates or with dudes in general, but this “special geek” really is that special to me. I both want to impress him and feel silly trying to. Ha-ha! The great thing is that I know he feels the same way about me. So we’re kind of this ridiculously awkward pair of people just flying through life, fidgeting and blushing and staring at our shoes. *Sigh* I’m certain we’re quite a sight! Ha-ha!

All of that aside, I go back and forth between doing a great job of and enjoying talking about myself and not. I’ve been on some job interviews lately and generally do a kick ass job of talking myself up, on dates, too. But I guess when it comes down to something that matters more to me than just a j-o-b or a b-o-y, when I realize that my heart actually is on the line, I waffle. Why?

I feel so confident and care-free mostly, so these “moments of great importance” (MOGI?) throw me for a loop. I want to get beyond this awkwardness. I want to be able to give just as much when it matters as when it doesn’t. It seems a bit odd, but I think it has a lot to do with knowing where I stand with the other person/company. If I don’t know, then I just don’t know and have no footing. If I had some idea perhaps I could do a better job of presenting myself as the Bad Ass that I truly know that I am.

The thing is, I also forget how much of a Bad Ass I am and can be. I forget all  that I have accomplished and overcome in my life. Sure, some things can never really be forgotten, but in a day to day sort of way you just sort of choose not to think about them either. Everyone I have met lately, both in dating and interviewing for jobs, have been unbelievably impressed with the fact that I owned and operated my own cafe. I’m always like, “Really? It’s not a big deal.” but they think it is and I can get excited about it briefly when seeing their excitement about it. Life is hilarious that way.

So I am choosing to be more mindful of those MOGI’s and when I feel the need to fluff off or minimize myself or my accomplishments I will push ahead and talk about myself like the other person is waiting on baited breath for the words to come out of my mouth! I will fake it until I can make it past this Awkward Girl business! Ha-ha! (And perhaps I’m in good company?)  Because I always want to kick myself afterwards and that just isn’t a good feeling. Done with that! Woo!

OVERWEIGHT

Over what weight, exactly?! Anyone? Bueller? EXACTAMUNDO! I’m fucking done with that word. I’ve seen it enough in the last three days to never need to ever again! It’s a meaningless piece of nothing. Yet it’s touted so much you’d think it was something terribly clever to drop into conversations. Well, it ain’t!

I am the weight that I am meant to be. Don’t believe me? I don’t give a shit! My body is my business. Period! There’s no wiggle room in this, it’s mine, not yours, and you need to leave it alone, obviously physically, but especially in conversation!

When I hear this word I cringe. Every fiber of my being becomes fire and I want to shoot it at whomever spouted the nonsense. It may sound a bit dramatic, but it’s offensive and ridiculous at once. It’s used as a proper thing and as though they are being polite by using it instead of the dreaded…FAT!!!

Fuck that! Use the damned word FAT! Please!!! It is far more true a term than any other. If you’re talking about someone’s body? Yeah, declaring it even in a hushed tone as “overweight” you’re only making yourself look ignorant. Because, “Ya are, Blanch! Ya are!”

So…Just…Stop it!

***

End Rant.

I have written quite a bit in the past about self care and while I think it’s very important still, I want to talk about some serious Radical Self Love, today. Let me start this off with one thing though, you do not have to love yourself or your body. You don’t have to do anything. This is simply some stuff that has helped me be a better me and a happier me. I’m not at all saying that there is one way or a right way to live or be…hardly! 😉

Be Radical: Be YOU!

Talking to my lovely and amazing friend Raven on Saturday about how difficult it is and can be growing up being viewed as different or weird or “other”. She shared her mom’s belief that following the crowd and being a sheep is just no way to be at all. I was gobsmacked! Ohmiglob how I wish someone had told me that growing up! I wondered how different my life would be now and how I would have avoided so much heartache and misery.

Not that that philosophy would have saved me from it all, life can be painful even in the best of cases, but perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so alone and lost. This simple yet radical concept did not enter my life until well into my twenties. Ridiculous! I know! But it’s true and I actually came to it on my own. It was right about the time I found fat acceptance, too. Go figure! Ha-ha!

My point is that when you realize that trying to fit into something you are holding yourself back. You are dulling your sparkle! We cannot have this! We are amazing beings capable of so much good (and yes, evil, too…but I believe that is a choice) and we have within our own individual power the ability to rise above the status quo and be our best selves. We can, you can, I can…

I wasted so much time and energy trying to fit in and hating myself for not being accepted. How silly is that?! Now, I say fuck it all, I am me and if you don’t like me, please leave me. Ha! I will never tell you that this is the easy route. But easy? I wouldn’t know it if it slapped my face! I only know my own experiences and they have shown me what happiness feels like. To be fulfilled within yourself and to seek what you want and to do what feels right is to know happiness, I think.

I’m suggesting you stop holding yourself back from the things you’ve wanted to do and see because you were afraid of not fitting in or being accepted. When you accept yourself, when you love and support you, you can stop giving a damn about all of that other stuff. It’s lovely! Because we cannot control how others perceive us, so worrying about it won’t help! Ha!

I would also recommend finding and being in the company of other radical self loving individuals if you can. There are so many wonderful online communities out there that I enjoy. I post some of their stuff on this blog’s Facebook page from time to time. But you may also consider attending or starting some body positive events in your area. There are a lot of events happening all over this Summer it seems. Fatty Affair Family Picnic, NAAFA, NoLose, Cupcakes & Muffintops, Size Diversity Task Force Retreat, Fat Girl Flea and so much more! So check ’em out, start your own and just be YOU! 😉

<3
S

I spent last night tidying up my room a bit. I pretty much live in that one room and with my recent time away it had grown quite, um, shall we say, chaotic. Ahem. It looked like a tornado went through that sucker! I was putting it off for no reason and now that it’s 40% better I feel about 80% better over all. Is there anything better than getting into a freshly made bed with clean sheets?! Not to mention that they are bright fucking green?! Love it!

With that in mind I did a heap of laundry, turned my mattress and straightened out my pile of shoes. And then I did what hasn’t been done before: I cooked an entire meal for myself for the very first time! It’s not like I don’t eat or ever cook, it’s just that I usually heat things up or make a salad or whatever. But this was a real meal! I was inspired by my friend Laura, whom I stayed with this past weekend. She cooked every meal for the two of us and made it seem so obvious and simple. I adore her!

So I made myself these thin steaks with mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. It was delicious and when I was done I felt perfectly full. Oh, and I had two bottles of hard apple cider, because, reasons. I felt fantastic after that! And I talked out the arrangement with a new as-needed part-time gig I got. I have no idea how much money it will bring in, but it’s something for now. I really want this chamber of commerce office manager job I interviewed for last week. I haven’t heard back yet on that though.

I have had so much weighing on my mind lately. Not knowing when my current job will end has been the biggest, but also my personal life has taken some unexpected turns. *Sigh* I feel as though I’m not allowed to feel certain things and sharing those feelings might be worse than not. I don’t know, I know that sounds super cryptic and confusing, but believe me it is for me as well. Ha-ha!

Coming to terms with a lot of unsaid stuff from my marriage has been surprisingly difficult. Seeing my ex doing things and acting like the man I once fell in love with for someone new has been…painful. What most don’t know and even I had a hard time realizing is that he left our marriage long before I moved out and finally ended it. We got along swimmingly right up until he threw himself head-first into a monogamous relationship with his one and only ex-girlfriend. That was rough. But seeing how his behavior has changed and the sexist shit he says to me has just  been so fucked up! We are friends, but we’re not as close as we were just two months ago. I fear losing his presence in my life entirely and more so losing the close bond I have with my fur babies.

In my love life, well, it’s been kind of fab. The one guy I thought I liked turned out to be a bit of a weirdo and I’m done with him. I currently super like one very special geek, but things are progressing quite slowly. I’m beyond impressed with him and his politeness and respect for/with me has been just lovely. But I’m afraid to like him too much too soon, you see. I don’t want to scare him off or get hurt myself. It’s a tricky thing this stuff! 😉

Then a friend surprised me with a relationship proposal. I didn’t believe it at first. I do now, but I know it’s not possible and will only lead to more pain. I know he could never give me what I need and I think he knows this, too. I told him that I’m open to discussing it further, but I think we both know it just wouldn’t work. He has  no interest in improving himself or his lifestyle and well, his current lifestyle and behavioral patterns often drive me batty just being his damned friend. Ha-ha!

So here I am, waiting…Patiently, frantically, waiting. I hate this! I am ready for some awesome stuff to happen, man. I feel so on the brink, financially and emotionally and it’s fucking exhausting. I do my best to not think about any of it, for fear that I will have a panic attack or worse. I know if I give it too much thought that I will lose my shit all together. So, I stay hopeful and true to me. I listen to heart and more so my gut. I hate that I can’t believe everything even those I love most tell me. It really sucks to know that things were or are kept from me for whatever reason. I would rather the painful truth over a pretty lie any day!

I keep breathing. I keep moving. I keep on keepin’ on because what the hell else can I do? I guess I just want some stability, some independence, some support, some love and lovin’. It is a very scary thing to admit to someone that you’re not getting the support you need. I told my ex just that and all he could do was offer a hug. Haven’t seen him since. Sometimes, you know, that’s all I want is for someone to just hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it’ll all be okay, that I’m good and deserve good things and people in my life. I know this, but I forget it, too. Fuck. Maybe it’s hormones. Or I’m just having a “bad day” or something. I just need some comfort and understanding.

For now I shall take things moment by moment and do my best not to think too far ahead. It’s all unknown anyway. There is some comfort in that I suppose.