I would love to see a blog called “Perfectly Portly”…someone do this! 😉

Dance rehearsal was hard and good and a bit emotional. Our progress is fantastic when only a week ago we had just half a song choreographed. I  got that runner’s high thing again, it’s kind of awesome. I keep getting asked if I’m excited or nervous and I am, but it still somehow doesn’t feel real yet. Part of me also just wants it over with. Ha-ha!

If you’re local to San Francisco/Oakland area and are interested in seeing me perform for the first time in 17 years, or just want to see a fantastic body positive dance show (OMZ! It’s the best!) there are TWO chances: Saturday, May 25th at 8pm or Sunday, May 26th at 2 pm. Get your tickets in advance to save some time and money: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/378829

I paid for my NoLose registration…I cannot wait to go! Hoping and wishing and visualizing awesome job so that I can pay my credit card off and my hotel room. I may have to drive, but I’ve been itching for a road trip anyway. It’s in Portland, Oregon this year. PDX is like my favorite place not in California, so WOO!!!

Did y’all see that ReDress is back?!?! This is where I’ve gotten all of my Teggings!

A pic of me & Raven from the Fatty Affair Family Picnic a few weeks ago:

Gawd we are so aforable!!! Ha-ha! Both wearing Eshakti (current) and I’m not in love with vintage cocktail hats from the 50’s because of this little white one I’m wearing. Do you have any of these? Hit me up!!! I am dying for a black one! 🙂

Today is my last day at my current job. I have some interviews this week and I am feeling good and hopeful. I had a great weekend with wonderful people who made me feel special and cared for and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m excited about it once again.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

We all have someone in our lives who we think is so awesome and sparkly and great and it kills us every time they can’t or won’t or don’t see it in themselves. We want them to see how amazing they are and that they are worth so much more than they give themselves credit for. I know I have many people in my life that are like this. It breaks my heart at times. And then I realized, just now really, that this is me as well. *Sigh*

My friends are so awesome and amazing…because I am! I see this now. When I was having my week of despair, I was that girl that everyone said was so awesome and I couldn’t see it. I thought it sweet when that “Special Geek” said to me, “You’re such a good people person there should be places lining up to hire you!” but for some reason, they’re not and haven’t been for some time now and it’s soul crushing.

That ticking clock of my pending unemployment; the thought of having to start that process all over again. I think the whole thing had me quite shaken last week (maybe I was mourning the loss of my job?). But I do have a phone interview today and an in-person interview next week and hopefully more and more and more. I mean, I know what I am capable of and talented at, it’s just hard for places to fit me into a mold, I think.

I am my usual self again and that feels so much better. Much needed solo time with my sweet Puggyman yesterday seemed to do me a world of good. Also, watching a bunch of Reggie Watts stuff I swear tickled a neglected part of my brain (I adore him!). Not to mention finding and taking the opportunity to genuinely laugh! Like, those deep belly laughs? Those! Those are very necessary!

I think I also need more attention, in general, than I had convinced myself that I needed. I want to believe, sometimes, that I am this fierce, lone wolf sort of gal…but y’all know that’s some bullshit, right?! I’m an extrovert and my soul is fed by being around and sharing with others. *Sigh* It’s hard though. I don’t want to bring my sad little rain cloud to other people and the universe knows we’re all dealing with our own shit right now.

I’m hopeful once again and for now that needs to be enough. As the summer is drawing near and my calendar lays blank before me, I will find a way to get out and do more and be around the people I want to. Wishing I had a kind and patient biking companion. I’m still too chicken to practice on my own. I have a plan, but haven’t bitten that bullet just yet. Soon, perhaps. 🙂

What’s been surprisingly difficult for me these past couple of weeks is having so many friends, acquaintances, blog readers and others tell me how awesome I am and that things will get better and to just have faith in myself. I’m not really complaining about this, mind you, only that I have lost faith, but not entirely in myself. More, I’ve lost faith in what is good in this world.

I am grateful for my body. It is in a lot of pain right now, and I’m even grateful for that. I am grateful for every roll, bump, lump, blemish, fold, wibbly-wobbly bit and all. I have pushed my fat body and stretched it and did my best to heal and rest it this weekend. Dance rehearsals are going very well and today I am feeling the results of all the work we did yesterday.

I experienced that mythological high folks often said they get from running or whatever. After dance rehearsal I felt high! I was focusing on driving and hydrating, but I tell you what: I was floating! Kind of cool, though. I can’t say that I’ve had that happen before.

The best part was that I felt that I could keep going. I am glad that I didn’t, mind you, because I’d surely be feeling worse today if I had. Luckily B was available for a massage (I’ve mentioned here that he’s a CMT, no?) and good Zod did that help so much! Mostly I’ve got this odd heel pain that has me moving slowly today. It’s manageable and again, I’m grateful that my body can handle what I’ve thrown at it lately.

Last week was made of suck. The brightest spots were the four dance rehearsals. Moving does make me feel better. Dancing makes me feel the best. I’d mostly hidden myself away in my cave of sadness and wine. Every time I’d poke my head out, I swear something bad or terribly disappointing would occur, so I would just stay in.

I’m now doing my best to not think about my problems. I’m just trying to focus on the very moment that I am in. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. The pain actually helps to remind me to stay in the present. Thinking about the end of my employment and what the fuck I’m going to do, well, that will have to wait. I have spent far too much time crying and being sad and then feeling like I am not allowed to have those feelings. Ugh!

Today is for my body. Today is for gratitude. Today is for today. 🙂