I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

A Thousand Posts and Counting


My last post was also my 1,000th post! Holy shit! I can’t wrap my head around that! What the hell have I been writing about?!?! Ha-ha! When I started this blog I wasn’t sure what I would write about. It began as an art blog, whatever that means. But soon my fat activism became my focus both in my personal life and on this blog. This blog has seen me through the good and the bad. I’ve made friends through this blog. I’ve received love and support from my readers over the years and have been so touched each time someone reached out for support or to ask advice or to just know that they aren’t alone in the world. I’ve done themed days like Tank Top Tuesday, Fats in Winterwear, TMI Tuesday and more. I’ve done podcasts (my own and others) and videos as well as print interviews and radio shows.

At the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I was going through a transformation. I had never questioned the choices I’d made in my life. Things always just got done when needing to be done. That started to bother me and lead me to start actively participating in my own life. This also meant leaving my husband of almost fifteen years together (just realized that today is exactly 4 years since that day). That was really hard. No one understood and everyone wanted to know WHY?! The lesson I learned, that I continue to share today, is that any time you go through a break up (of any type of relationship!!!) it does not matter the circumstances, YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION!!! Seriously! It is your business and yours alone. If fools want to prove themselves to be fools, they will, plain and simple. That doesn’t mean you have to fuel their idiocy.

I can’t say it enough, though. YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION!!! Not for your existence, not for the choices you make, not for your lifestyle or anything else, at all, ever! I’ve always touted myself as an open book, but I am beginning to keep a lock on that book these days. Even some of the folks in my life that I thought were tried and true, bffs and whatnot, have proven themselves untrustworthy. That hurts most of all. I don’t like having or keeping secrets of my own, for me it feels shame-y and gross. More than that, I need people in my life whom I can trust with what I’m struggling with and what I’m working on or through. That group seems to be shrinking more than ever (thanks 2015, you piece of shit). Unconditional love is never a given, even when years have shown that someone can give it, it doesn’t mean things won’t change over time. Things always change.

I know that I haven’t been writing at the volume or level that I used to. I wish I could explain that other than just saying that life happens, writer’s block is real and I do feel as though I have lost my voice and momentum within the fat movement. I look back at my Fatty Affair events and the radical fat activism I’ve participated in and I am in awe of that person. I was that person and yet it feels so very foreign and far away…Like a movie I saw at someone’s house that I truly enjoyed and maybe was inspired by and yet can’t recall the name of the film. Like that! Ha-ha!

As hard as I have always pushed myself, the last couple of years have pushed me harder. With every hot new startup job I accepted, I gave away so much of myself. One step forward, two steps back. Each time I was laid off I took it in stride and understood that this was just part of life in the silicon valley. Even when it got personal I did my best to move on and keep going. But that last one? Whew! That was a doozy! (It still gives me fucking nightmares!) Even when I owned and operated my cafe and pushed myself to my own physical limits, I didn’t injure myself doing it! No, that took the special little Toxic Startup that I sprained my back for and was treated worse and worse each day. I wish I could say that I learned something from the experience, but I really only learned that people are assholes and liars and they often don’t care who they have to step on (even literally) to get what they want. I am not that kind of person and I hope that I never will be.

I wish I knew what I should be doing. I wish I knew where my passions lie these days, but I doubt I have any at this point. So many things seem to happen at once, for better or worse, and it’s up to us as individuals to make sense of it in our own lives and minds. Moving back to my hometown threw me for more of a loop than I ever could have imagined. PTSD ain’t something to fuck with! And I don’t mean the trendy version of “ohmigosh becky! I got the wrong item in my trendy clothing store order! I have PTSD NOW!” *Barfs* NO! That is not fucking PTSD! PTSD is waking up in the middle of the night not knowing where you are, unsure if your abuser is waiting for you on every corner and in every shadow after twenty years of no contact with that person. It’s years and years of self work flying right out the fucking window because of where you are and all of the horrific memories flooding back without warning.

I wasn’t sure I’d make it through this past summer alive. No lie. It was really tough fighting those old demons again. It was awful. Plus, I was alone, but for real this time, 25 miles away from my friends and boyfriend. I had my puggo and little else and so I fought my way through everything including my own desires to give up. I’m glad that I got through it, as hard as it was. I have to keep trying, ya know? I have to keep some semblance of hope alive that something good will eventually come my way. It has to. And I have never been so close to the worst case scenario than I am now and that clock is tickin’ louder each day. So I take it a day or even an hour at a time. I get up everyday, no matter how depressed I am, and I apply to every possible job I can!

I wish I knew what the future held. I wish I knew that things would work out. I wish I had a fucking clue about what I should be doing with my life! But that’s not reality and so I must accept each day as it comes. That’s how I’ve always approached my writing, too. Let’s not grade that on a pass-fail basis, deal? Ha-ha! I’ve had moments where I knew I was doing just what I should be and I miss that feeling of purpose. I miss having a fiery passion burning inside of me. I want to be the mover and shaker that I know I once was. I just gotta get my footing again! I’m so close to the precipice of what could be absolute disaster if I don’t find a stable job soon. It seems there’s always some catch.

If you have enjoyed even one of my posts I would like to ask you for a small favor: Send me some woo, juju, love, positivity, prayers, wishes, hopes, whatever it is that you believe could help, send it my way! I’m in a safe place and so unbelievably grateful for that. I would like to stay here for awhile and get my debts in order before they consume me entirely and I’m literally out in the cold. I have hope. I have to. I mean, if only I could find a way to create an income for myself in some other way I would in a hot minute, but it’s not like snuggling a pug pays these days! Ha! Sadly, working hard no longer matters, if it did I’d be rollin’ in money!

Thank you, my dear readers, for all that you have done for me with your presence and kindness. I hope to one day find that I have written 2,000 posts for you!

Rad Fatty Love,

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