You know how sometimes something will happen and normally it wouldn’t get to you but then there’s that one day where it just shows you how everything in your life is falling apart? Yeah…THAT! This morning I got up and fed the puggyman after taking him outside and started my day’s tasks. Laundry, espresso, toilet bowl and bathroom sink…Then I thought, “Hey! I have those frozen Trader Joe’s scones! That could be breakfast for today and the next three days, too! Woo!” and so I put them in the oven. Well, my oven runs hot and I forgot this. They burned. Like, completely blackened, burned. Inedible. And I lost my shit.

To me those sad, fucking burnt-ass scones just crystallized all that has been bubbling just under the surface and in my heart the last two weeks: my life is a fucking wreck, I’m an emotional mess and shit is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it! What did I do? I went to my room with my espresso and cried, a lot. There is so much I want and yet feel that I cannot have, reach, touch, or grasp. It is heartbreaking. I’m not even talking about material shit, yo. Just regular life things. Ugh!

Articulating these wants and needs has proven futile. I can’t seem to even get the words together until I’m already sobbing and desperate. Why am I like this?! It’s exhausting! I just want calm. I want stability. I want to feel like me again. I remember being ecstatically happy a few weeks ago…that was so amazingly awesome! It seems so long ago now, though. Those moments of joy are so fleeting. I think I cherished it as much as humanly possible. Oh well.

Y’all know me as this fearless warrior in the fight against fatphobia, the seeker of a challenge and the funny-quirky fatty who seems so cheery and shit. I don’t feel like any of those things right now. I feel so far removed from that person that it’s startling. This isn’t my usual case of forgetting what I am capable of and have accomplished. It’s more just being terrified of everything and everyone. Getting bullied and having a panic attack at NoLose was a traumatizing experience for me. I don’t expect anyone else to understand what that was like, but in a lot of ways it’s made me want to hide from everything and made me sort of revert back to previous forms of thought. Ugly stuff.

It’s not just the job shit. It’s not just living below the poverty line. It’s not just any one thing. It’s everything and it’s too much. I feel so broken inside. Things that wouldn’t even register before now send me into a fit of anxiety. I am managing in my own small ways, but I think the main thing is just not having a solid foundation of any sort at all. Like, okay, I used to have this notoriously stable relationship that was my rock. No matter what, it was there and there for me when I needed the support. I know it was my choice to walk away from that, but we were friends and still very very close until only recently. Now that he’s moving to a new place I’m not sure I will be seeing him at all anymore. I think he blames me for this, but I also see how his behavior has changed and being around me may be more difficult for him than I know.

I also used to feel very secure in my career. I would throw myself into it and feel fulfilled by it. But I don’t have that now. I don’t have shit, basically. I know that’s not entirely true, but I don’t feel that anything in my life is reliable or stable at the moment. I feel as though everything is up in the air and I’m walking this tightrope while trying to juggle it all. Failure would mean the worst has arrived. Those fucking burnt scones solidified how tentative everything is right now and I can’t deal.

Being an extrovert with the amount of depression and anxiety I’ve been carrying lately has been fucking awful! To want so badly to be around the people I love and love me, but feeling too scared to reach out or to even accept their invitations has been heart-wrenching. And how do I deal with the whole scones incident? By not eating anything at all…all day! Gawd I am fucking brilliant…NOT! I know I’m not doing well when I find myself drinking Diet Pepsi. UGH!!! I do not like me today. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be.

I can’t even handle people being nice to me right now. Like, it makes me feel like shit. That can’t be normal?! An FB friend saw my sad status about the scones and gifted me a Starbucks card to cheer me up/help out. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I know her intentions were pure and totes sweet. I did thank her and I do appreciate it. But it made me feel like the most pathetic, whiny piece of shit ever! Ugh!

I know I’ll get through this. I will get a job and things will feel better. I do have a second interview on Monday, but I’m terrified to get my hopes up after the last several sure things fell through. I really want the job, it is local and pays well and is pretty much perfect for me. The first interview was awesome, I hadn’t laughed so much in one before! But no finger or other crossings of things for this, please. Feeling a bit superstitious about stuff, though your love and support is always welcome and appreciated. I just don’t’ feel secure in anything right now. Nothing! That is frightening! I’ve had friends say things to me that really hurt and keep playing over and over in my head. I wish I could stop it! And these are people I love so deeply that what they said was such a shock, but we’re cool now. It’s just…hard.

Thanks for reading my rant/vent here. I’ll be okay. Always am. 🙂

This is “LSP” or “Lumpy Space Princess” (if you’re nasty?!)…she’s from a cartoon I love called “Adventure Time” on the Cartoon Network. She sounds like a valley girl and is, um, lumpy! I fucking love her!!! She floats around and generally just talks smack and snarks at people, but you also see the insecurity behind the lumps, if you will, and how difficult it is to be a teenage girl in today’s society. LSP is both sassy and confident and insecure and dying to fit in (she once wanted surgery to smooth out her lumps so she’d be seen as hot or attractive)! It is because of this, her realness and honesty, that I love her so.

Her catchphrases include: “Lump off!” “What the lump?!” “Oh my glob!” and “You can’t handle these lumps!”

In fact, I love her so much I want to dress up as LSP for Halloween this year! I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and only now started to look into it online. When I looked up “Lumpy Space Princess Cosplay” in google images? Holy amazeballs! So many rad fatties!!! I realized right then that I couldn’t be the only one to notice this possibly unintentionally inspirational rad fatty cartoon character! Yay!

And oh how inspiring the fatty cosplay stuff is! People never cease to amaze me! So fucking creative and awesome! I love them all, but I won’t lie, the one that really made me want to be LSP for Halloween was this one:

There’s actually a bunch of pics of this rad fatty in her LSP costume (on Tumblr) and it’s so fabulous! There’s also tons of human-like fan art of LSP:

So fun! If you haven’t seen the show or just aren’t into cartoons, well, you might like it? It’s sort of a fantastical world where magic and shit happens. All in the name of ADVENTURE!!! *SwordThrust* I know it’s not for everyone, but I’m hooked! My favorite character changes often, but LSP has some great and memorable lines. Watching her character struggle and remind me of some old pressures and cliches, I’ve grown to love her so!

What do you think about LSP? Accidental fat inspo? Do I have it all wrong? Hit me up in comments! 😉

(I love her so much that when my bf saw a little plushy LSP at the store he exclaimed, “Oh! I have got to get this for you!”I now keep her on my bedside table. <3 “You can’t handle these lumps!”)

I spent much of last week and this past weekend sort of hiding out at home. Part depression, part poverty and a big part still being a bit fearful of people and places and things. I went full on social on Friday with a job interview in the morning and then meeting up with two different friends, separately, later that day in Oakland. It was lovely and exhausting. I usually feel energized after social things, the extrovert that I am, but not this time and not much lately.

I’ve been sleeping a lot more. That’s kind of good, but I feel guilty over it because I’ve had insomnia since I was twelve and getting 10 hours of sleep a night just seems wrong to me…but I have been getting about 8-10 hours of sleep a night for the last several nights. Mind you, I get up a few times due to the dogs, but whatever. Guilt is such a useless emotion, if I could delete that shit from my memory banks I totes would! Ugh!

The weird thing lately that has been cropping up for me is a sense that I’ll be “found out” somehow. Like, I’m doing something wrong, just living. I don’t know where or how this began, but shit if it isn’t a big wet blanket on life right now. Again, guilt?! I feel like I’m not doing the right things or enough things but at the same time feel a strong urge to conserve everything. Maybe I’m just driving myself up the damned walls! Ha-ha!

I am going to bed earlier and trying to eat more regularly. I’d mentioned awhile back that I’d been struggling with some seriously disordered eating patterns. I can’t ever say that it’s gone or cured or fixed or dormant, only that it’s okay today. It was odd but sweet in a way to have my bff “Q” look at me quite concerned and say, “But you need to eat something, you haven’t eaten anything since this morning!” but I assured her that I was heading straight home to cook dinner (and I’d had a snack when I got to her place to begin with). 🙂

Yesterday “Q” and I went to a local thrift store together. Oh what fun! I hadn’t been to this particular one before, but when you donate they give you a 20% off coupon for your next purchase. Woot! I found a Calvin Klein dress for $10 (I didn’t know they made a size 24?! Or that I’d fit in it!!!), a lovely tea cup and saucer from Bavaria (navy with gold roses), a bracelet that is exactly the perfect length (this has never happened to me before), new pack of blank cassettes (going to make a mixtape for my boyfriend…shut up!), a tiny ship, a box with compartments inside, an infinity scarf (black and grey knit-stripe), a white scarf with gold unicorns on it (because…reasons!), a gorgeous black tie with tea roses on it and I’m sure a couple of other knick knacky things. Ha! It was so fun though. I hadn’t found so much stuff in ages! And so cheap + the 20% off!!!

I did not get the job I interviewed for on Friday. I’m guessing I also didn’t get the one I’d interviewed for last Friday, though they haven’t responded to my email inquiry. I do have an interview tomorrow, but I’m no longer able to get excited or nervous or my hopes up. I just don’t have it in me anymore. The emotional roller coaster has wrung me dry of well everything. I walk in myself and walk out the same. What does it matter?! I just need a damned job! Sure, I’d like to like or love whatever job I end up with, but at this point it’s kind of ridiculous to even consider.

Actually, let’s go back to the weird social stuff that has been weighing me down. I usually get a lot out of social stuff. I often get inspired or motivated just being with other people, especially those I already know and love. Lately though it’s been the opposite, it’s been draining and sapping and I feel a great desire to recoup in my room or even my bed after. Why is that? Where is this coming from? Ugh! I’m struggling with even staying in touch with my nearest and dearest lately and it’s starting to worry me. I actually feel like my own friends don’t want to talk to me. I feel like such a huge burden to them, even if it’s just instant messaging! I know this is ridiculous, right?! I mean, I haven’t even heard from my bf since Thursday of last week…I’m feeling isolated.

At first it was a sort of self preservation thing, kind of. Like, I can’t go out because I don’t have money, and some friends saw that as I don’t want to hang out with them anymore, which is so far from the truth it’s not even funny. I used to delight in losing time online catching up with friends all over the globe. Now I’m afraid to even say hi. I text some friends, but 99% haven’t responded…this is like days on end now. Which only confirms that peeps aren’t into me…or it’s in my head. WTF?!?! I’ve had people ask me “why are you so short with me” “what’s up with you” and things like that. I don’t feel like I’m acting any differently. I may not be as laughing and smiling as per usual, but I’m finding less things to laugh and smile about lately. I’m doing my best to get by, ya know? I need to try to just fucking survive and maintain somehow. But a lot of this social shit is so hard all of a sudden.

I’ve always had some social anxiety, but lately it’s feeling like a much heavier weight than I’m used to. Maybe I’ve been hiding out too much? Like, maybe I need to ease back into social things? One on one stuff seems to be okay, mostly. The truth is that I’m beginning to feel invisible and like I don’t matter. Yes, I know this isn’t true, per se, but I also don’t feel the natural urge that I used to to engage in conversation or smile at strangers or whatever. Damn, do I sound bat shit or what?! Ha-ha! I swear I’m okay, just trying to figure some things out. I still have the puggyman with me, so that’s nice in some ways. In others it’s not so great, like when both dogs start barking at nothing…for ten minutes solid! UGH!

Eh, this was kind of a random-ass post. Sorry ’bout that. Um, tomorrow will be better? Ha-ha! No promises.

Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!

<3
S

All of the following photos are from the Talent Show and Fashion Show at NoLose 2013 (All photos by the lovely, gorgeous and talented Lilia Schwartz who through her photos I finally saw what others do. <3 )

I kind of love the pic of my back in the blue dress…it has it’s own sass! I had no idea! I love that! Yay back!

Unfortunately I was unable to get video of my first solo dance, but these photos make my performance look way better than what I felt happened. Ha-ha! I have learned some things from my two forays back into dance/performing: 1.) A solid/bold outfit always wins 2.) smiles and sass will cover your ass (when you forget all of your choreography) 3.) no one knows the choreography but you anyway, so improvise when you have to or just want to. 😉

The black and white dress was a JCP clearance gem, the flower a cheepy mall grab and the fedora was $3 at Daiso! Not to mention my ever present teggings! The blue dress was from Size Queen clothing which I wore with my Fat necklace that I got custom made for hella cheap on Etsy!

Also, I’d just like to point something out here, proudly…SO MUCH ARMS! Look at my gloriously free, unashamed display of fat flailing goodness!!!

Thank you to those who love and support me, past and present. When I tear myself down, my friends always seem to know how to put me back together again. <3

Um, so I’m in a bad place (temporarily) and the post you are about to read is a rant and a half, filled with profanity.

You have been warned.

***********

Trying really hard to see the silver lining, brighter side, etc, but just feeling super beat up by everything right now. I do all I am asked to, required to and more and nothing seems to fucking matter. I have to fight for everything, just to survive. I’m fucking tired of the struggling so hard! I’m exhausted physically and emotionally. I conserve and ration and plan and for what?! One step forward, two steps back and back and fuck you!

After weeks of back and forth and getting nowhere I finally figured out why two months of unemployment payments have not been coming my way: the state unemployment service (EDD) never updated my address in their system for debit cards when they updated it with my new claim. Way to fucking go! So while there is money somewhere for me, just sitting there all lonely like, I can’t actually touch it! Brilliant! I cut up my old edd debit card when my old claim ended. When I called to get a replacement I was told that they can’t issue me a new one until EDD updates my address in their system. Which would be at least another week anyway and my rent is due on the first.

So, what’s this broke fatty to do? I have to PAY $15 to get SOME of the money Western Union wired to me so I can pay my rent on time. I was in a real pinch and was considering putting my rent on my credit card (last month my amazing roommate paid my rent + utilities) so at least I can get some of it. But that’s not the point, right?! The point is that this government agency drops the ball and I have to pay for it. What the fuck else is new?!?! Poor folks always getting the fucking shaft from the government. Write a book about it already! LOL!

It sucks and it’s bullshit and it just gets slapped up on this massive pile of bullshit that I’ve been struggling with lately. I feel so fucking vulnerable because I’ve done all the things and have to just fucking wait for shit to happen now. Really?!? More waiting?!? Can things just start to happen for me now? Please?! I haven’t heard back about my latest job interview yet, but should this week. But please, if you know someone who is out of work, don’t fucking ask them about it all of the fucking time!!! It is just another brick in the face that is every fucking rejection, every damned day! Stop it! We know you care, caring is cool, but it hurts after awhile, the endless asking, “Have you tried XYZ?” “Have you heard back about XYZ?” “You should really look into XYZ.” Please just stop and give somebody a consensual hug!

I don’t get angry often, but I have to right now. If I don’t I’ll fall into a puddle and may never return at this point. I’ve been hiding out in my room, crying a lot and mostly just trying to process, be patient and heal. It’s fucking hard! I’ve been avoiding social scenarios because I’m not sure I won’t just cry the whole fucking time. I’ve had the luxury of a personal puggyman security detail since Saturday. My ex is moving into a new place and asked that I take the puggo until shit is settled. Which I don’t entirely mind, he did also bring me tacos de oro today, but I hate the open endedness of it at the moment. I’m sure he does, too, though.

The truth is, things are shitty right now for a lot of folks. I know it’s not just me. Most of my friends are going through some tough and/or horrible stuff at the moment. It sucks. I’m trying to be a good friend while also trying to take care of me but I feel like I’m failing on all fronts. I’m so insecure this week it’s fucking painful. Strangely, I’ve taken to liking being alone the last two days. I am fearful of others in small ways. Last night I was home alone with the two grumpy men (mine and my roommate’s dogs) and I was jumpy as fuck! Every little noise, every everything and I was a paranoid mess! I was literally shaking like a leaf when one dog started barking, because he was by the front door. I was paralyzed with fear. Then angry at myself for getting so worked up over nothing. *Sigh*

I have moments where I’m sitting or laying and wanting to get up to do something (or needing to pee) and it takes everything in me to get the power to actually do it. Like, I’m stuck or something. I hate it! This isn’t me, dude, this sucks! The people I want to be with most are or will be out of town this week. The few locals left are dealing with their own shit and I already feel like a burden just talking to them lately. I know I’m usually able to just get on with life and let go of the pain and hardships, but today is not that day. Ha!

Thanks for reading my rant. Tomorrow I’ll post pics of my NoLose 2013 Talent Show performance. Yay!