NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Put A Blazer On it!

March3

Screen Shot 2014-03-03 at 4.16.13 PM

This morning I woke up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed. It’s a Monday! Ugh! But I had to get up and get my arse to work and so I threw on the top my boyfriend wanted me to buy at Torrid a couple of weeks ago. I had been putting off wearing it because it’s very brightly colored stripes and a tank style top but it’s also a kind of sheer material. Anyway, I threw on my usual jeans (Torrid, Curvy-skinny, dark wash, 26W) and then this top. The armpit holes are a bit too big and I was just like, “Really?!” when I looked in the mirror but then I just said, “Fuck it!” and grabbed a black tuxedo style blazer from my closet (very old LB blazer, missing all the buttons) and rocked it anyway. I’ve already gotten a few compliments. I like it because of the colors, obviously, but also it’s a nice length. Length of tops is so important! And while I love the newer high-low styles, usually they don’t work for me. It’s not that I feel compelled to cover my belly because I don’t like it, but more because I just like a certain length for my own comfort. I really wasn’t feeling it today but I’m glad I went with it anyhow. My hair was a hot mess and when I got to work they wanted to take my picture for my access badge. I was all, “Really?! On a Monday?! No fair!” but today was the only day so I slapped on some red lipstick (Revlon’s Colorburst Matte Balm in Standout, I love this shit so much) and gave it my best. 😀
I’m still tired as fuck, yes, even after coffee, but it doesn’t matter. Time seems to be flying by faster than I can keep track of it all, anyway! Sometimes that works out for the best and sometimes it bites me in the ass. What can ya do?! 😛
I was really surprised by how much I was able to post the last two weeks on this here blog-a-ma-thing. Maybe I just forgot how for a bit? No, that’s not really it. I just don’t know what to share or how best to share it anymore. Like, I used to right? But lately I feel like no matter what I say or to whom it will only get misconstrued or hurt people. Trauma is a bitch, eh?! Also, I don’t wanna be that girl who only talks about her boyfriend or work. I mean, I could go on and on about my puggyman and how I was singing along to Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Whatta man” but changed the words for my pugyman so I could sing it to him…but that’s not that interesting, unless you met him! Ha-ha!
I guess I’m having a hard time navigating life like I used to because my gear shift is firmly planted in HAPPY and I’m not used to that! I mean, my life ain’t perfect, nor should it be (perfection is a myth!), but I just can’t quite relax and let go. I suppose I’m not doing any harm with that, but my life has been sort of simplified for me in a lot of ways. There’s only so many hours in a day and my own self-care, dog and job take precedence. At least on a weekday/night basis, the weekend is quality time with my favorite fella and oh my glob how our weekends never come soon enough or last long enough. *Sigh* We’re stupid for each other still, and it’s been nearly a year! Can you believe that?! I can’t! I feel so ridiculously lucky, though! Not only do I have my special little puggo with me always and forever now, but I also get this handsome-witty Welshman and his baby puglet (of doom) in my life! Just seems too good, ya know?! But I am so not taking this goodness for granted! I will just have to get used to the HAPPY and rock it like this blazer deal. 😉
<3
S
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Sharing IS Caring

February27

I’d love to hear more about your job, and even more, how it changes your focus on taking care of yourself. There’s a lot of folks out there with real big hearts, who forget to take care of themselves in all the “other” taking-care-of.

For instance, I have urges to volunteer all the time. However, I find that when I do, I can’t sustain it, like, at all. I still want to help, but that more traditional route just doesn’t seem to work for me. Which then makes me think of a quote that is attributed to Maya Angelou’s mom, in which she says [paraphrase], “If you only have one smile to give away today – don’t waste it on someone you don’t know. Give it to someone you love.”

So, I’m now trying to help more locally. That is, my family and friends – when they need it, and I’ve got it to give, I give.

The above was a comment left on my update post from last week. Such a great comment! Great quote, too! Ohmyglob! So, yes, I later posted about my job a bit in my “What’s Up Buttercup” post yesterday. But they bring up a great point, how does how I care for myself change when I am caring for the happiness of others? I have to say that for the first time it’s actually become easier for me to care for myself in my new role as the director of happiness. Surprisingly, I quickly saw how even very small things and gestures can really lift folks mood and make their life easier.
I say surprisingly because as I realized how tiny things can make a big impact for others I also saw that this applies to me as well. So I celebrate silly things like remembering something I was only shown once or make a big deal out of what others may feel is a small thing someone shared. Life is in the details, they say, and I rarely agree with what “they” say, but this I think is true. Life is what you’re doing in between the big stuff. Life is in the cup of tea that settles your stomach or time spent chatting with a coworker about a shared interest. Sometimes it’s the Reese’s Pieces your coworker ordered for the break room (hell yeah!). Sure, the big stuff matters and counts, but we don’t often forget the big stuff, we typically forget the little things. When I help someone at work accomplish something they previously thought not possible or maybe just not important enough to get to, I instantly feel good! I see on their faces that I have helped them, no matter what words are spoken, and that is the best reward. Cheesy? Yup! So what?!
I have always had what many would call a “bleeding heart”, my empathy knows no bounds and often it is difficult for me to relate to people who aren’t as deeply compassionate as I know I can be (not always, dude, I’m not a machine). It’s exhausting, caring so much, but I manage, with the help of my amazing friends (boyfriend included). It used to be so hard for me to be the only one who cared so much about something, when others could not understand my passions. I think I’ve gotten better at both explaining/communicating as well as mitigating my own feelings. Maturity? Eh, let’s hope not! Ha-ha!
I will say that wanting very badly to help others but not being able to while staying sane/healthy yourself is something I can relate to. I used to volunteer for the SPCA but lasted only a short while because I would be heart broken and sobbing the entire fucking time and that is just not sustainable. I want to help all of the animals, not just three! Same for everything else, really. I’m just an all or nothing sort of gal, but I do my best to do what’s right in the moment for me and the cause at hand. Taking care of yourself first is not selfish, it’s essential! You can do no good for others if you are suffering. Why is this such a tough one to learn? I feel like I have to learn it every year of my life!
I find that it’s both more difficult and easier to maintain adult friendships. Facebook and email helps a lot, but it’s also nice to see the people we love in person sometimes. We’re all “busy” but making even a little time to check in with those we care about does wonders for all involved. Case in point, someone I cared for a great deal and was really there for me in a great time of need invited me to Vox with her on the app Voxer. We love each other, but somehow hadn’t really even managed to stay in touch on fb or anything. Now we Vox each other everyday! I feel something is missing if we haven’t left each other even just a quick message. These things are so precious and truly simple, but we don’t always think of what would make these connections possible or easier for us. Oh how I love technology!
When I get a random message from my friend Tigress, “Just checking on you, I know you’re having a tough week. Let me know how you are, or what you need.” I instantly feel thought of, valued, loved, wanted…validated! What?! I know!!! (Also, Tigress fucking rocks!!! Scorpios rule!) That’s what it’s all about, we all want to feel wanted and needed and valued and heard and validated, man! So please call your loved ones, text/IM/whatever…let them know you care and want to help when/if they need help. Maybe you can’t physically help your friend move, but perhaps you know some folks who need some extra cash and have a cool van!
This is another thing I’m finding out everyday at my new job, just because you know something or have for ages doesn’t at all mean that anyone else knows this shit! You might be a fucking genius and not even know it! I’m serious! I constantly get asked, “How do you know that?!” and dazzle people with my googling/ebaying/amazon/bargain hunting skills. I’m a wealth of knowledge and resources and if I don’t know something, well someone does! We don’t know the true value of our own circle of influence. This goes both ways, too. So share and tell and do stuff and love some people, will ya?! But hey…love & care for you, first! 😉
<3
S
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What’s Up Buttercup

February26

Spending much of my day at a reception desk (directing happiness) I get to witness all sorts of human interactions. Since the desk is right beside the entrance to our cafeteria, I also hear a lot of food related talk. Not all of it is bad, but even when it seems to be going in that direction I try to put a positive spin on things when they are directed at me. “I’m eating too much today!” said a coworker as she entered, I replied, “That’s totally okay!” with a giant smile. And why wouldn’t it be okay? I have my own opinions for my own health and well being (if I feel gross after eating it’s too much or the wrong thing, I try not to repeat either), I’m not the food police, nor am I going to join your shaming party. But there’s a group of ladies that are pro-food, like they want everyone to eat more! Ha-ha! They’re fun, but I insist that when I’m full, I’m full.

I also get to see some nice stuff like folks holding the door open for each other and so many thank you’s and smiles and laughter. These are so nice and such tiny moments I think people often forget or take for granted. But the pay it forward frame of mind does seem to happen. Someone holds the door open for you, you say thanks and try to do the same or some other small gesture for someone else and so on. I like that a lot. Pretty much everyone walks past or stops by my desk and I always have a smile, a hello or a “how are you?!” for them. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the few who have made a special visit to meet me and introduce themselves. So cool!

Meeting literally hundreds of people in just a matter of weeks has been a bit overwhelming. I cannot remember but a handful of names and I only feel worse when they remember mine. Oh well! Most people understand and empathize. My first week in my home office was frustrating. Things kept changing and there were some miscommunications and I was very hormonal and was having some serious doubts by week’s end about my future here, but now I think it’ll all be okay. I haven’t made any work buddies yet, but I like reading articles and stuff on my lunch anyway. I’m considering bringing my Simpson’s Trivia (25th anniversary edition, yo!) and see if anyone would sit with me to play…but my shyness comes back to haunt me at the thought of that. Darn it!
It’s funny because my boyfriend sees me as this super friendly and outgoing gal who never struggles with social anxiety (he’s very introverted and shy), but I do and often but try my best to push myself out of my comfort zone when I can and usually reap the benefits of that. At a new job it can be extra tough though. I want to make friends and get to know people, but there are just so many and from so many different areas of expertise I get overwhelmed easily. Ha-ha!
It’s only been 2.5 years since I sold my cafe and re-entered the workforce, but it feels like a decade. People are always curious and excited to hear about that particular chapter of my life, which I’ve always tried to minimize for some reason. I’m proud of my accomplishments, but folks don’t want to hear how hard it was, they want to hear a dream fulfilled. Sadly, it was never quite that for me. It was fun, it had it’s moments, but mostly it was a holy terror! I’m so glad I didn’t allow it to ruin me financially, I have managed that part on my own! Ha-ha! Well, not entirely, but the debt I do have does make things uncomfortable. No biggie. I’m hoping to pay off my credit card debt by next year, fingers crossed.
I have been asked a few times to expand on what it is that a Director of Happiness does. It’s sort of a administrative/concierge/coordinator/event planner/and so much more combination, for a building of 300 employees. I do things like set up meetings and schedule all manner of stuffs, plan fun events, order supplies, send get well balloon bouquets to employees and order food for various things. I work for a large software consulting/developing company. My job is about making folks happy, making sure everything is operating smoothly and everyone has what they need to get their job done. We just got some bikes this week that people have been taking out for a spin…Fun! But I get hit with all types of questions and requests and so far it’s a natural fit for me.
I have recently been getting more questions and suggestions regarding Fatty Affair (from the fat community, not at work, obv.) and while I have no answers at the moment, it seems at least one smarty pants (well, I think she is) thinks I should do a fundraiser for the venue rental fees. I’m not entirely opposed to fundraising, but it does make me slightly uncomfortable. The point is to build community, to offer a safe and fun space and to have an accessible event in the south bay. I will always insist that the event be admission free, but we always have a bake sale to help raise funds during the event itself. Last year we did a big raffle, too, that was fun if not a bit chaotic. I’m just not sure how to raise funds without having something to offer.
Do you have some ideas or suggestions? Lay ’em on me! notblueatall@notblueatall.com
In fact, hit me up at that email address with any questions, concerns, if you need to vent or an unbiased ear…I’m here! 🙂
<3
S
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Steppin’ it Up!

February25

Why is it so hard for us to take care of ourselves? More so, why do we feel like we have to justify it or feel the need to make excuses to not do it? It’s ridiculous! It is not selfish of you to take care of yourself, to look after your own wellness and well being and health (mental and physical). It’s just not! It’s not only okay, it’s absolutely necessary! No one calls you selfish for getting an oil change or getting your teeth cleaned. These are seen as necessary and responsible things. So, can we talk about taking better care of our feet for a minute?

 

I know I’ve talked about it before, back when I had my shoe revelation a few months ago. I have to tell you, I’m still all evangelical about it! The thing is, there’s a big reason why it was such a big deal for me (and still is). I grew up poor. We didn’t have money for new shoes. I got one or two pair of shoes when one of my grandma’s took me shopping for school every August. That’s it and let’s face it, I was lucky as hell to have even that. When I was 11 and got in trouble for stealing money out of a family friend’s house (it was a foreign concept for me to see a huge wad of cash ever, let alone out in the open), my parents asked me why I needed the money and what did I spend it on…it was a pair of Payless shoes. My other pair had worn through and at that age I had long known better than to ask for anything at all ever (the answer was always no). 
Even as an adult and working full time I wore Payless shoes. Oh sure, I’d snag the occasional pair of Doc Marten’s for $20 at Ross and wear the hell out of those, but they are not very supportive. Years and years of crappy shoes and working retail (which means 8-12 hours days on your feet on awful flooring) and not only did my feet spread but I now have flat feet. Yay! Not! Pain became a part of life (but that’s another post all together). I didn’t realize how my feet had changed due to all of these factors and ended up wearing the wrong size shoe for many years. I just thought all shoes sucked at one point. I randomly decided to measure my feet using an online guide (I may have been trying to see if a certain brand would fit before I ordered online?) and realized I wear an 8, not a 7w! Holy crap! What a difference just that made!
Then I tried to fit in like a silly person and wear shoes that I just, well, can’t and shouldn’t have even tried to! Ugh! Note to everyone and especially myself: never try to fit in! Always just be you! Trust me! Soon I sought out shoes meant for support and comfort, but being broke most of my adult life, I also cheaped out many times even when I probably wouldn’t have had to. It took so many years of blisters and aches and pains before I got the final fucking clue! Duh! Better shoes!
When my BFF “P” worked at a shoe store that specifically sold shoes for working people who are on their feet all day, he schooled me on the whole shebang! I had no idea! Even socks matter! SOCKS!!! Yeah, news to me, too! At that point though I had no money to spend and put it off until I literally couldn’t any longer. 
When I got the job at “the fruit” I was on my feet all day on concrete floors in my crappy shoes. I would come home and collapse every night. My feet felt broken. I tried ice, heat, epsom salt, elevation, baths, massage…everything! Two weeks of this agony and I headed to that shoe store (even though P no longer works there) and asked a ton of questions and walked out with some awesome shoes that I am still wearing today. I got better socks and insoles, too. I had made a conscious decision to take better care of the very things I rely on most of all…my feet! Not only are they adorable (shut up! They totally are!) they are everything to me. I couldn’t do much without them and I do love to dance, but most of all, I need them to work and earn money for food and shelter. You with me?
With my feet feeling better I am able to walk and stand more. I have other issues I’m working with/on, but those shoes and insoles help so much. This past weekend I went to Bed Bath & Beyond because my boyfriend had purchased his Dr.Scholls insoles there and he loves them. They have this machine that tests your foot needs and gives you a personalized recommendation for their insoles. They are $50 but BBB usually mails 20% off coupons (sadly I could not track one down but know that they never truly expire, even if there’s an expiration date). I went ahead with it anyway and at first they felt hella weird, but to be honest? My feet weren’t quite as tired as the day before. And today? Well, I overdid it with running and walking with the pugs over the weekend and woke up feeling like my left foot was broken and was afraid of what my day might hold (pain!). But I put in my insoles, actually I put them on top of my superfeet insoles, and I instantly felt better! Whoa! And now, after a full day’s work, my feet are still okay. I don’t know what my superfeet insoles cost originally, I’ve had them for some time, but the new ones I put on top really did the trick! The combo stabilizes my feet and gives me arch support. Nice!
I know it’s difficult if not damn near impossible to do the right things to take care of yourself when you’re poor. I know because I have lived it. But when I could I felt good about splurging a bit on such things because this is my health and my body and I need to take better care of myself when I can. Life is too short to be in pain if it’s preventable. I’m no longer ashamed to take the elevator when my knee is hurting and I will take a rest when I need to. I know what I need and do my best to stay true to that. I struggle, mostly with food, but I never want to be the girl walking like she’s got needles in her shoes. I deserve better, we all do. 
I will say that better shoes are not cheap, but they should be well made and last a good long time (with proper care), depending on wear and tear. Insoles can work in many types of shoes, so you might try that first before investing in shoes. Do the research to find what brands are best for your lifestyle and budget, but knowing exactly what you want (brand name, model #, etc) will help you get closer to the price you want online. Don’t be afraid to ask questions! I asked the sales guy at Beck’s Shoes a million questions and he answered them all with enthusiasm. Don’t let salespeople make you feel pressured. If they do, say so and walk the fuck away!!! You are not obligated to buy anything you don’t actually want. You might tell them up front that you have many questions and might not be ready to purchase that day, or something like that. Ask other fatties! This always helps me when I’m looking for stuff. Read reviews & Write reviews! I love when a review specifically mentions the person’s own issues (sizing, foot issues, etc). My point is that the information is out there and that, for now, is free. 😉
 
<3
S

 

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Dead Pastel (Kickstarter)

February24
Dead Pastel
I was recently contacted by Amber regarding a kickstarter campaign for her and her friend Raye’s company Dead Pastel.
“Dead Pastel is an alternative clothing brand that combines a creepy cute aesthetic and is available in extended sizes. The style is inspired by brands like Lisa Frank and Hello Kitty. Someone once described it to me as ‘Hello Kitty meets Tim Burton’. It had originally started out has just some stickers and stationary, but when Raye got involved, we started brainstorming ideas on where we could take the brand, and I said my dream goal was to have a plus size clothing line, to create clothes I’d always dreamed of wearing, but were never available in my size. So, that’s what we’re gonna do, starting with t-shirts!
We’ve launched a Kickstarter campaign to help us get started, and we need all the help we can get. We thought perhaps you and your readers would be interested in checking it out!”
I Love their designs and I cannot wait to see more! I’m giving them some money today because it means so much to me to be able to support indie businesses and designers and Whoa they have cute stuff! If you can support, please do. If not, please spread the word.
<3
S
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