It is a difficult thing for me to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve always been of the thought of don’t let them kick you when you’re down by simply never showing that you’re down (not just a catchy blog name).  I practiced this for years and became quite a pro at it, if I do say so myself. At first, hiding my emotions was a survival mechanism, being held nearly captive for five years. Later, it became a way to escape myself and my own feelings. And now, I say I’m not good at it and that’s somewhat true, but I do it to make things easier on others or myself. But I’m not being my most authentic self when I do this. And that is bullshit.

I am writing this after spending a good part of the day crying. Not all out sobbing no sounds at all actually, just tears…endless fucking tears. Over what you ask? Eh, for now I will simply call it disappointment and frustration. I set my expectations pretty low and they were tampered with and thus let down pretty hard. I let myself down for getting caught up in something I gave up on and then found myself devastated when the reality I knew all along was once again brought to my attention. It’s almost like I mind fucked myself, only I wasn’t alone in it, but whatever it’s done.

I realized that I instantly didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want anyone to know. But then I felt so alone in all of these emotions and that is just no good. I mean, you can’t run from your own head, right?! Being unemployed is lonely enough on its own these days. When one emotion triggers more, it’s just not going to be a good day. I don’t want to bring others down, and I have a way of doing that when I get like this. I don’t live alone, so I try to get myself together before my husband comes home from work. To bombard him with all of this would be pretty messed up. Emotional ambush!

And I don’t exactly feel like talking this out, either. But I realized why and that is progress at least. I put a lot of stock into self-work. I have come a long way to become who I am today. I see now why I get so thrown when something happens and I am caught “off guard.” For instance, if I’m meeting up with someone and I get there and they didn’t tell me they were with or had invited another friend. I get really upset about this, I hide it like mad, but I get upset big time. It feels like betrayal, best as I can describe it. I like to mentally prepare for things and this simple omission can throw a monkey wrench into my day and even make me see that person differently. But then I wonder if I’m more on-guard than off lately. How authentically me can I be if I have my guard up?

And so I sit here in my very vulnerable state hoping for a better tomorrow or at the very least a better 2012 because this 2011 shit is too much for me. Part of being authentic is being vulnerable. I need to honor that. I need to feel it and let it just be. Fighting it only makes it worse and I feel all the worse for even trying. To accept myself is to accept the various emotions I have as well, regardless of what sparked or caused them. Hiding from them, pretending they don’t exist, will only take that much more self-work to get beyond later.

I did open up to one friend through email and she made me feel better. She gave me advice that I needed to hear: all your feelings are legitimate, but which of them are really about the other person and which are a product of everything else. And that is so true! I over think and over analyze and get so caught up in my own emotive-spiral that the world sort of falls away until I come out of it. Gawd, how many years did I live in that cloud?! Too many!!! Ugh! So I can just step back from the situation and emotions at hand and see that I am still me. The sky is not falling, I am not crazy and things will be okay. I always find a way to work things out, on my own or other wise. So be it.

Do you struggle with vulnerability? What has helped you? Thanks for reading.

Saturday afternoon, my good friend Jeanette and I headed to Oakland for Raks Africa and Full Figured Entertainment’s first Belly Dance Class. We were both excited, and maybe a little nervous, maybe. It was such a great deal, we just couldn’t resist! I mean, for 25 bucks we got a two hours class with the amazing ladies of Raks Africa, a hip scarf, a bindi, a mix CD for more belly dancing and 5 bucks off our next FFE club night…since we were already planning on going to the club this Friday to celebrate both of our birthdays, well, this just worked out perfectly!

The class consisted of twelve “full figured” women, plus the two instructors and Tigress of FFE fame. The venue was at this cool restaurant called, “The Fat Lady” no less! Anyway, we were all getting our scarves and bindis and then began the stretching and warm up. The ladies of Raks Africa informed us of the history of Belly Dance, which I found particularly interesting. But I do love history, so go figure. Then we began learning some actual moves!

One thing I didn’t realize until we began actually dancing was that Belly Dance puts all of your weight, or most of it, on your knees. I’ve been struggling with a knee injury since July and keep re-injuring it due to living on the 2nd floor and dancing and other such life things. Boo! My knee was clicking during warm up so I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to go as smoothly as I’d hoped. Oh well. You begin with slightly bent knees, feet shoulder-width apart, and your pelvis tucked forward…I loved how they explained the tuck! It’s like zipping up a pair of tight jeans…THAT Tuck! Ha-ha!

We begin with the shimmy and some hip bumping and incorporate an “Egyptian walk” and the classic grapevine with a hip bump and kick in it, then some double hip bumps and shimmies and we start over from there. It was all set to a version of this song (but it had a rap break it in I loved):

SO MUCH FUN!!! The beat of the song if from Kool And The Gang’s “Let’s Go Dancing”…did I say that this was so much fun?

And now I am finding excuses to shimmy and bump! I’m doing it in the car, I’m doing it to Nikki Minaj’s “Super Bass” and I am doing it right now!!! Ha-ha! I’m hooked, what can I say?! Have jingly scarf, will go to where the music is!!!

I HIGHLY recommend checking out a belly dance class if you’re at all interested, even just for fun. But I STRONGLY recommend, if you’re in the bay area, to go to the next FFE and Raks Africa class! I am not sure when that will be, but it is worth the wait. These ladies understand how fat bodies move and what they need! We had lots of ice water available, restrooms right there, napkins for face dabbing, chairs for breaks, A/C and open windows for air flow…they just get it! I have never taken a belly dance class before, so I don’t know how different this one was, but I felt fabulous the entire time.

Having said that, my knees are very very angry with me. I have been icing them on and off ever since returning home from the class. Whew! Parts of my lower back and lower abdominal muscles are sore, but not unbearably so. Just my knees. My ankles hurt the first day, but are fine now. It’s a lot of work on your knees. And I haven’t sweated that much in years! I don’t knwo why, but I didn’t think it’d be the full workout that it was. I’m so glad that I did it though. You can go as slow or as fast as you like, you can certainly modify moves or transitions, but in the end, my knees are fucked, yo! I should have known this going in, it makes sense, but whatever. Totally worth it! I just hope my knees are feeling better by Friday!

Oh! Jeanette was kind enough to snap a pic of me in my hip scarf and bindi after class before we left:

Today’s Tank Top Tuesday submission comes from Deeleigh  (of Big Fat Blog fame). She says that this is a draft entry for the NOW Foundation Love Your Body poster contest. http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org/posters/contest.html

So yeah.  Not only am I wearing a tank top in this picture, I’m wearing one
that’s too tight and that accentuates my belly rolls.  I’m also wearing an
extremely short cotton jersey skirt.

Normally, I’m not that much of a rad fattie when it comes to clothing.
Okay, so I do wear sleeveless tops on a pretty regular basis. I’ve also been
known to wear mini skirts, but only with boots and opaque leggings or
tights.  I am actually pretty careful not to offend people’s sensibilities.
I dance around the “inappropriate” line and I don’t call attention to my size.

A too-tight tank without a bra and with a tiny skirt and no leggings is
definitely over that line.  So, even for a fat woman who is actually not the
world’s shyest, this is really daring for me.

There’s a method to my madness.  I took a series of photos of myself exactly
as described in the text.  No makeup, no attempt to hide “flaws,” no attempt
to play down my size.  I tried to choose lighting and poses that made it
clear that I was fat and that my body wasn’t perfect, but that didn’t quite
cross the line into being ugly to an average viewer.  I wanted to create an
image that would be perceived by most people as beautiful rather than
grotesque, but that didn’t look anything like what we see in entertainment
and advertising.  Of course, some people will have been deeply influenced by
media images and will find it ugly.  I’ve got some other photos I could use…

I guess I’d just like some feedback from the community.  Is the photo doing
what I want it to do?  Any suggestions on the graphic design?  Is the
poem-thingy a good idea, or is it too long or too precious?  Don’t worry,
I’m not particularly attached to any of it, and I’m totally open to
constructive criticism.

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

Also, feel free to still treat comments as TMI topic/discussion/venting area! Feel free to ask TMI questions or just vent/rant about your own stuff. I love it! We all do! =0)

While having lunch with a friend on Friday I overheard some women talking and while I didn’t catch most of their conversation two words kept popping out at me, “Problem Area.” One kept saying that she was fine with everything except her “Problem Area” and that she couldn’t feel right or truly herself until it was…solved, I guess. It seems we all are victims of this way of thinking at some point in our lives. It took my hearing this woman talk about her “Problem Area” to remind me of just how far I’ve come in my self-acceptance journey.

I have known women of all shapes and sizes and walks of life. They all tend to share the proverbial “Problem Area” or at least that frame of mind. As though removing a simple part of one’s body would transform them into perfect if not ideal human beings. Being on the opposite side of this concept, I can’t help but wonder what they would consider to be my “Problem Area”…I simply cannot carve up my flesh for the offering as easily as they can, not even in conversation. When asked years ago what one thing would I change about myself, friends lamented about thighs and noses and boobs and such and all I could muster was, “various moles and things.” I was still new to fat liberation/acceptance, but I had already given up on hating my body.

I will say this, if you are still obsessing or thinking about your “Problem Area” you are only holding yourself back. When you can free your mind of such baggage, you will be able to get more done, be happier in general and just kick ass. To hold yourself back from enjoyment and fashions and fun all for some made up “problem”? Well, I understand, but it’s time to reconsider. Your thighs, your belly, your hips, your ass, your chin/s, your ankles, your calves, your boobs, your neck, your cheeks, your forehead, your back rolls and even your body hair are not holding you back, but you thinking ill of them is. It makes you more self conscious and who the hell needs that?

It is high time we all just take a deep breath in and let all of that shit out, out, out for good. Let it out like so much pollution, because that is precisely what it is. Let it out and let it go once and for all!!! You don’t need it. No one needs to hate their bodies, not even a piece of them. Instead find one thing you love about your body. Celebrate that! Celebrate it every damned day! Take pictures of it, hold it, grope it, stroke it and love it! You are worth it! You are worth that extra attention.  You are worth putting hate and judgement behind you for good.

I do believe that when you hate even a part of yourself, you see yourself and the world through that same lens. Fuck that! It is high time we all start enjoying what we have while we have it. And dammit if my knees aren’t still sore two days after belly dance class, but I will keep on dancing and shaking and shimmying and nobody, not even these knees of mine, will stop me! We can do this, together! We can solve our “Problem Area” by making it not a problem at all. I’m not saying that you have to love every individual piece and part of your body individually, but loving and appreciating your body as a whole and wondrous thing is possible and necessary, I think.

So let’s try something, put your “problem area” in comments followed by one thing about your body that you love. I will respond with a way to celebrate it! Deal?  Oh okay, fine, me first:

I used to really struggle and hate my arms. I love my feet! I celebrate my feet by painting my toenails purple! Woo!

I am going to have a fabulous weekend. No, I am, dammit. I am going to go out and have fun and be my most fabulous me. I have been down in the dumps for too long and I’m sick of it. This week proved that it is in fact my staying in that has kept me so low. I had lunch with a few friends and this made me feel so much better. Human interaction, who knew?

Today I’m having lunch with a good friend of mine, Carmen. She inspires and amazes me. And we’re trying a totally new place to us in a town neither of us lives in. Exciting stuff. I’m also trying to get my Halloween costume together, little by little.

Tomorrow is the belly dancing class Jeanette and I are taking. So exciting, we’ve been talking about doing this for awhile. We were going to just get a DVD, but to get instruction from none other than Raks Africa? Too cool. They are the ones who inspired us to begin with. WOOOOO

Sunday I’ll be hanging out with my home-gurl Nicole. She may have the blouse I need for my costume and she’s bribed me with lunch and possibly free fatshions to take home. And I’m going to take her measurements so she can order from Eshakti…I highly recommend doing this, by the way. It’s interesting to see your own measurements on the page and then order something made precisely to those measurements. It’s this radical act of self-love, I think.

So tell me lovelies, what are your weekend plans? How are you going to put your most fabulous you out there? Anyone started smiling in the mirror? I hope you get to shake your thang or have a good time generally. Woo Hoo to you