It can be difficult to deal with your own food issues when you’re in a long-term and committed relationship. Even when you think you’ve got all of your shit nicely packed away or cared for something can just pop up out of nowhere. This is what happened to me last weekend in the middle of that great big funk I was in. While in the moment I couldn’t, for some reason, speak up for myself or explain how I felt or anything at all. It was a bizarre moment for me and undoubtedly, my husband. Allow me to explain…

I had gotten home from work, it was a Saturday and so I got home around 3:30 pm. We had plans that night to attend the opening gala for our BFFs play. I knew said galas tend to run very late and since we’re early birds I had wanted to take a nap. So I did, sorta. Well, I had the best intentions. I stripped down to my socks (it was super cold) and snuggled down into bed with our down comforter and all. The cat didn’t mind the extra body on the bed, more warmth for all! Only I didn’t sleep a wink! I just laid there, hoping the husband would come in and “wake me up” (if you know what I mean, he-he), tightly wound in the blankets trying to keep warm and relax. Well, I was warm. Ha! I found myself getting worked up and tense over nothing at all. Time was passing, but I felt lost for some reason. I still don’t know what that was all about, but I digress.

I heard the phone ring and a brief one-sided conversation about timing and transportation to the play. I figured this meant it was almost time to leave. I get up and put on fresh under garments. I look at the clock and, “Holy shit! We have twenty minutes to get ready, eat dinner and leave! But suddenly I was in full panic mode! I couldn’t figure out what to wear! I had intended to get up from my nap an hour before we had to go and do myself up nice and proper. So my head was not ready for the stress of this moment. And I fucking felt it! Whoa! I grabbed tops and pants and tights and dresses and jackets and jeans and shoes…it was all a mish-mash! I couldn’t decide on anything! I ran out into the living room in my undies and bra and my husband looked astonished. He was putting our dinner plates on our dining room table! He had just brought the table in from our balcony after many months. We had it in the dining room when we first moved in last year, but only ate there once. I was startled by it’s presence and how the food was just THERE.

I tried to explain that I was panicking and couldn’t make a decision or choice to save my life. He didn’t seem to understand my urgency or need and so I ran back to the bedroom. I finally threw something together that was neither too formal nor too casual. I wasn’t satisfied, but it would do. I then went back out to the dining room and sat down. I looked at the food on my plate. I picked up my fork and poked at each item. My appetite was gone. I should have been so hungry! I ate my green beans and most of my potatoes, but I couldn’t deal with the turkey meat loaf. Just smelling it turned up my anxiety. Looking at it made it worse. I took a very small bite. My heart sank. Something was up with me but I couldn’t grasp or point to what it was. What’s worse is that I had an immediate instinct to run, to get the fuck away from that food and that table right away. I couldn’t speak. I just ate what I could and hoped that time would run out and we’d have to leave anyway. My husband realized I wasn’t touching the turkey and so he said, “You don’t have to eat everything on your plate or anything.” I knew this, yet hearing it from him gave me some relief. And then we did have to go in a rush.

Later, as I was thinking back on that awful moment, I realized that it was a bunch of things that killed my appetite. For one thing, I grew up in a house without a dining room or dining table. We ate in the living room in front of the television. On Sundays we would go to my grandma’s for dinner, but everyone would be talking or she’d have the radio or t.v. on or something. When I sat down to have dinner that night, I didn’t know what we were having. The light above our dining table is unforgivably bright. I felt like I was under a spotlight. And suddenly being faced with eating at a table instead of on the couch all in silence? It made my skin crawl! It wasn’t until a few nights later when he again served dinner at the table that I said I couldn’t handle the silence. I do have a problem with silence in general so he wasn’t shocked or anything. But the light! OH that light!!! He tried to adjust it but no dice.

So that is that and I eat my dinner on the couch in front of the television as I have most of my life. Even when I didn’t watch television for a year, I had one and would watch the same movie over and over and over. I have always had a hard time with silence. Nothing new there, but specifically? Silence + eating = Anxiety!!! I can’t explain why. And I did go through an intense period in my teens where I couldn’t eat in front of people. So the combo of it all, all at once, wow…really freaked me out!

What is my point in telling you this? Well, that sometimes we can’t always speak up for ourselves even when it seems like a dire situation. We’re all human. We all have things that can be triggering. Respecting those things, especially when in a relationship, is very important. I don’t think that my husband did anything wrong or anything. He didn’t know. I didn’t even know! It was just so sudden and well, shit happens, right? Even after all of these years actively participating in Fat Acceptance and all, well, you just never know what will come up! And it’s completely okay! I don’t often talk about my own food issues. I think that is mostly because I haven’t addressed them myself. So I will begin to share with you all and hopefully we can support each other.

Thanks,
<3
S

I just had a very surreal experience. My friend, business neighbor and sometimes mentor came to me for advice. You see, she doesn’t see her son and his girlfriend very often but happened to have dinner with them over the weekend and she now is full of guilt. She knows that she hurt them with her words/suggestions, but it wasn’t her intention at all. They were having a conversation and I am not sure how it came up but she was trying to offer to pay for a trainer for them, but it came out wrong and her son said something to the effect of “we don’t want a trainer or your suggestions/advice about our bodies.” I don’t think she even got the part about paying for it out, but it doesn’t matter.

She tells me that her son and his girlfriend are 300 pounds. They don’t eat healthy, they don’t exercise. They aren’t healthy and because she has diabetes she fears her son will soon as well. She just wants them to get married and start a family and she thought her suggestion would help them get on their way towards their future. They want to get married, but her son insists they won’t until they can buy a house. (My husband and I struggle with waiting to have a kid until we can buy a home/become financially stable.) My friend insists that she just wants her son, who is so smart, to have a happy and healthy life! But her words came out wrong and now she feels terrible about it.

So she came to me for advice and to help her write a letter of apology. But I have to tell you, I made sure she understood their perspective, too! I asked her if she would ever suggest to me to lose weight? She said that it would depend on the situation and our relationship. So I said, “If you knew I was getting married, would you try to suggest/offer/help/insist that I should lose weight?” She didn’t answer. So I said, “When you tell someone that they need to lose weight you are telling them that their body is somehow wrong or bad. That their body is the enemy and they should work against it. This then makes them unhappy about their bodies (she says they already are) and thus causes stress and possible illness.” I was so glad that she was listening. I then went on to explain some statistics and explain that only a small fraction of the population can keep weight off after losing it. That no matter how hard we work and do everything by the book, most of us are simply going to be fat. That fat bodies aren’t bad bodies. That no one chooses to have a fat body. And that fat in and of itself is not unhealthy. I did assure her that because diabetes runs in her family and that she has it that yes, her son should be aware and checked regularly.

However, when she insisted that they eat terribly unhealthy, I interrupted her and insisted that she doesn’t know. She can’t know without being with them 24/7.  I explained to her that I had had many doctors insist I was lying about what I ate and how that made me feel. She realized I was right and did say that when they eat at home that they eat very well. Ah! I explained that yes, I get discriminated against for being so fat, but that it’s never kept me from doing anything that I’ve truly wanted to do.

She began to cry and kept insisting that she just wants a good life for her son. So I tried my best to console her with some facts: She set her son up to have a much better life than she had growing up. That she is a fantastic role model who carved out her own business in a big city while she was very young and a single mother, too! That by her excellent example she really set her son up for success! And he’s only 30 and has so much of his life ahead of him. She said that she knew this and she just really felt terrible about hurting them. She struggles with her own health management and works out regularly, sees a nutritionist often and relies upon her church for support. I explained that she has to let him find his own way. That success and all that life has to offer will find it’s way to him and that they will get married when they are ready.

She is going to come back later to write the letter and I have to say that while I was caught off-guard when she brought this to my attention and asked for advice, I am actually glad that she came to me of all people. Who else would stick up for the fatties rather than push the typical dieting agenda? I can only imagine the awful things someone might say in support of her wanting them to be healthy. I refuse to bow to those ways ever again and will not allow anyone I consider to be a good friend push those agendas on someone they love either. I feel as though a great opportunity has been laid before me and I must take it and help her understand the fat perspective and how to nurture a relationship with her son that has been cold and distant for some time. I have no doubt that their weight and her opinion of it has created a lot of the distance. Who would want to hear about that shit whenever they see a loved one? NOBODY!!!

I will let y’all know how this works out, one way or another. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being. Thank you and thank you!
<3
S

Also, if this is something you’re dealing with on the other end, please check out this fabulous post with tips from LiveOnceJuicy!

Edited To Add: She never came back yesterday, but this morning she asked if I would just write it for her. This feels weird, but again, such an opportunity for getting the fat positive message out there, ya know? If anyone has suggestions, please let me know! Thanks again!

If you know me or would simply rather not see me in the (near) all together (aka in my undies, yo!) then please do not scroll down any further. Please do come back tomorrow for your regularly…wait, fuck that! Come back when you want and I’ll update/post when I want and we’ll see if we actually synch up at all. Otherwise, my best to you and yours! <3 Tah!

*******************************************

***********************************************************************

*******************************************

I have been loving Tumblr.com and lately even more than usual as I haven’t been feeling quite myself. It helps to connect with people in the Fat Acceptance/Fat Pride movement in new and exciting ways. Yes, it’s mostly images, but damn! Some of those images are beyond powerful. Just wow! Awe inspiring stuff, my friends. The wonderful things I get to see! And honestly? When you have writer’s block or are depressed or bored or whatever, if you have some time on your hands, Tumblr is everything you want and more!

There are so many wonderful people on Tumblr, too! But hey, this isn’t some sort of advertisement for Tumblr. I don’t advertise anything, at all, ever…yet (hey ya never know)! But c’mon, Tumblr is the birthplace of BigBoyFashion (now over at chubstr.com, mega-rad!), among many other notables in these parts. I am particularly fond of BigBellyBabes as many fabulous fats have proudly and tentatively displayed their bulges, rolls, folds and the source of much pride, pleasure and joy! I am planning on posting my own belly pic there sometime soon, but for now let me share with you something I posted to another Tumblr blog:

✿ Chubby Bunnies ✿
This is for the lovers of all the chubby bunnies out there. A place where we can feel safe and proud to show off our curves. If you have any problems with occasional nudity or scantily clad women, then this is not the site for you. This is a judgment free zone.

And with that…here it is, my giant ass in fancy pants:

I am a 33 year old, married, fat, small business owner, blogger, activist with plenty o’ booty! I’m 5’4″ and around 300 lbs. I usually wear a size 26/28, depending on the retailer. In the above pic I am wearing a Body By Avenue combo from a few years ago. The front of the top is all lace (pic below if of what I wore with it that day). The bottoms were my first “boy short” style underwear. I rarely wear lingerie at all, but I woke up feeling fabulous and this is what came out of that. I encourage everyone to take photos of yourself in positions or perspectives you don’t often see your own body in. Clothed or not, it is an interesting learning experience and I highly recommend it! You don’t have to publish them after all. But hey, it’s fun to do that, too!

(I was feeling so awesome that day.)

Thanks,

<3
S

These people have been kicking my ass in the best possible ways lately:

Brian of Red No. 3 He just keeps saying what I’m thinking, only far more eloquently. So glad he’s on the FA team!

Kath of Fat Heffalump For getting right to the point on how death fats/super fats must put up with shoddy clothing at ridiculous prices and even then the garments usually don’t fit right! Spot on, Kath!

Bruce of Chubstr & Big Boy Fashion He has so many fantastic ideas! I am constantly checking the new site out for new nuggets of awesome. You don’t even know! OMZ! The punk, the bow tie? I love it all!

Whomever thought of FATPOCALYPSE!!! I love the name, the concept and the “tools” to make it happen. Go check it out, it’s rad-tabulous! You better believe I’m all over this! Just gotta get to printin’ and I’ll be strategically planting these messages, oh, everywhere!

Marilyn Wann For starting Fat Club For Men on Facebook! Ms. Wann is a wealth of ideas and creative endeavors. So I can’t say that I was surprised, but I love it! It is a members only kind of thing, so do apply and post and enjoy!

WithoutScene for a lot of things, but her latest entry on Finessing The Fuck You had me thinking back on all of the relationships in my life and I am wondering what I can do about all of those loose ends I hadn’t previously realized were loose! Wow! I love a blog/entry/gal that makes ya think!

My Readers! If you’re reading this, you are amazing! You rock my socks! I love you, truly!

Thank you!

<3
S