Hello lovely people! I wanted to check in before I have my gallbladder removal surgery (finally!) this week. As I have been preparing my home and my head for my very first ever surgery I realized that throughout the past year of dealing with what were first mystery symptoms, alllllll the medical tests, video visits with the surgeon, and more. The one thing I did not have to deal with, much to all of our surprise I’m sure, is fatphobia. In fact, my size was not mentioned once! Not at the ER and not anywhere else. I was always bracing for it, always anticipating the worst, and always ready to hand someone back their entire ass if they did. 

But it didn’t happen! The first person to mention my size was myself to the surgeon who will be performing the operation. I had asked about the robot versus laparoscopic and he explained that the robot was recommended specifically for those with a BMI over 50, mine is 55, and so he said I will have a better outcome with the robot. I was very pleased to hear this. The robot allows not only 3D imaging so the surgeon can see better in such a tight space (because hooray for teeny incisions), but the robot allows for finer movement of the instruments once inside my body. 

Look, I friggin’ love robots anyway, always wanted a robot bff a la Judy Jetson and her diary, but this made me much more calm about the whole thing. I also watched the entire procedure with the robot on youtube and I gotta say, it looked minimally invasive. There was only part of the procedure that made me wince while watching and it was at the very beginning when they first make the incision and place the posts or arms inside to make room for the instruments. Very quick, but they did this sort of shake movement that I simply did not care for, but the patient, like I will be, was under anesthesia and thus likely never knew it was occuring. 

I am concerned about anesthesia. I’ve never been put under for anything. When I had an upper endoscopy, while they were trying to figure out what was going on, I had only twilight drugs and I had nightmares about that procedure for weeks after. I don’t know if that is normal for twilight drugs or if it was my C-PTSD doing it’s usual thing, but I do worry about this after the surgery. 

I had a pre-op video visit to go over my medical history, to make sure no further tests were needed (just a covid test). During this visit they asked about any medications I was taking, and then asked about “street drugs” usage. I have no qualms about the question itself, but I do take issue with calling cannabis a street drug (it’s legal and fairly regulated in California), as well as using the historically racist term “marijuana”. I was very up front and explicit about this and my usage with the doctor in this visit. They were surprised but seemed to respect it.  They then asked about frequency of use and method. The thing is though, the medical world doesn’t know shit about cannabis use. Until very recently it was illegal (federally) to study it on human subjects. The doctor on this call insisted that I halt all use leading up to my surgery, which I have no issues with complying. 

But when they said that it will interact with the anesthesia and cause brain damage I was surprised and so I did some digging. And I was right, they don’t know shit about cannabis. That belief was based on mice and no human study has been done. Plus the mice were given high doses of pure THC. The medical world still thinks we’re out here smoking “marijuana cigarettes” which is hilarious to me as I don’t smoke anything. I vaporize cannabis flowers. It’s a very different thing, just in case you didn’t know. I take it for pain, nausea, and anxiety. I do take it for fun sometimes, but I use different strains and strengths to manage specific things. The fact that it is still perceived as a “street drug” is harmful and furthers stigma. They don’t take into account that chronic pain sufferers often use CBD products such as patches to manage their pain when other pain management has been unsuccessful or unsustainable. CBD products offer no “high” or heady euphoric states at all. And cannabis doesn’t have to give you “the munchies” or make you paranoid like the old days. The more you know! 😀

I went three months without the correct diagnosis and was in horrible pain intermittently throughout that time. I was fortunate that I could work from home due to the pandemic. I went several months without pain but after the length and severity of the original gallbladder attack I was deeply depressed and never fully recovered my energy. As I was preparing my office to reopen the pain suddenly returned and it was so incredibly hard to function. I wanted to do my job but I needed to take it easy. It has been a delicate balancing act for sure. Now I am hoping that this will all be over after my surgery and I will regain my energy soon after. Before that first attack, I was taking dance classes 2-3 times a week, walking my dog everyday, really thriving during the early pandemic shutdown. I miss who I was then. It has definitely changed my perspective on a lot of things.

I am hopeful and nervous but I know I am in good hands. I know how fortunate and privileged I am to even have access to healthcare. My insurance, through my employer, will cover most of the cost of the surgery. I can afford the rest without a worry at all. What I was not prepared for was planning for the event of my death. So that’s how I spent my last weekend with a gallbladder. I know I’m a secret goth, but it was a mind fuck! My final wishes are a combo of formal and informal documentation that hopefully no one will need to bother with. I really never imagined having to decide all of this as a single person, but here I am. I will get through this and be all the better for it! 

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

How is it July?! This week I went back to everyday office life and it has not been easy. While part of me was excited to go back and feel like a part of something again, another part of me, namely my gallbladder, had something else in mind entirely. Ugh! Yeah, two weeks ago, after no gallbladder pain since the beginning of November, my gallbladder pain returned in full effect. The fucker! After the first week of feeling truly terrible I emailed the surgeon and her assistant trying to get this damn thing removed already. Well, California “opened” on June 15th and well before that the surgery departments have all been booked up for months. I was fine with waiting when I had no debilitating pain, but now? Um…I don’t think so!

The surgeon at first told me to go to the ER but I explained that they didn’t believe I was in pain when I was at my absolute worst last August. After months of wrong diagnosis and testing it was the surgeon, on a hunch over the phone, who discovered what the real issue was. She was the only one who listened to me, who asked about the rest of my life and lifestyle. Because of that I know that I don’t have a blockage or stones, I just have a gallbladder than quit its only job. She wanted to use a robot for the surgery, mostly due to the fact that they also found a mystery mass that while benign it actually grew since the start of the year so she wanted to remove it. This would mean two separate surgeries that could be done in one session using the robot. Now that my pain is back she suggested going with the regular laparoscopy and only taking the gallbladder. I said yes!

I haven’t heard back since but I do have an in-person appointment with her next week so I’m hoping for more answers then. In the meantime my life is ruled by this pain. I feel fine in the mornings when I get up, and for a few hours after. Until, that is, I eat. Yeah eating is a basic function of life. So I went for a few days of not eating until 5 pm, which is the pits and I do not suggest it. But I had to prepare my office for the big reopen. I loved working from home, but suddenly that was no longer an option (I’m an office manager). I wanted to do it, but my body was fighting me every step of the way. Then I had four days in a row of no pain and I got soooooo much done at home. I rearranged my living room, cleaned, built a shelf, did all the laundry, washed the dog, went on a date (my first since Dec. 2019)…

Then my first day back at the office and I started to feel crummy before lunch. I thought I was just extra hungry because I had gotten up so much earlier than usual and hadn’t slept much that night. Nope! Fucking gallbladder! UGH! It took two more hours before it became fully apparent what it was. I can only take Tylenol so I just waited and left work a few minutes early. When I got home I just collapsed on my bed with my puggo snuggled up beside me. After an hour I finally got up and fed the puggo, took some Tylenol, vaped some cannabis, and laid down again. I would not have been able to eat at all if not for the cannabis. Once it all kicked in I was able to sit upright and eat and take care of some things at home.

The part about this that truly sucks is that my life is now ruled by when this pain will return. Will it be another three days of pain followed by four days of no pain? Will it just wreck me entirely? And why can I not get scheduled for this fucking surgery?!?! I understand things are backed up, but this ain’t no mole removal. I’m actually terrified of having surgery, more so being put under anesthesia. I’ve never been put under for anything. Not being able to make decisions for myself, especially medically speaking, is one of my biggest fears. Facing it alone is not what I had planned, but it is what I must do and so be it. It is far better than just living with this awful pain.

People keep telling me that gallbladder pain is some of the worse you can experience. Yeah, no shit! I put on a tough facade, but lemme tell ya, at home I am all moans, groans, and whines. Dealing with this for so long seems absolutely cruel to me at this point. Yet there’s nothing I can do about it either. I just keep getting up every morning like it’s going to be fine. Some days it is fine. When it’s not it is unbearable. I cannot live my life like this.

It’s been weird, too, to have to be “on” again at work all of the time. After wearing PJ’s and not worrying about my looks at all for fifteen months, I kind of like putting a little makeup on in the morning. Driving in traffic I could definitely do without. Ha! The few people who have come into the office have been great though. All very complimentary. I have a new boss who seems to give a shit about way more than any of my previous ones, so that’s cool. Usually with my job people only really notice what it is I do when something goes wrong. Having people in the office thanking me for getting it ready and assisting them feels good.

I’m so grateful to have what I do and be where I am in life and I am doing my best to take nothing for granted. It is an odd feeling to both thrive and struggle through on my own. It is a hard thing to explain. When I’ve had my darkest moments in the throes of truly horrific pain, I can’t imagine having someone else around or looking after me. It has often been when I’m having bursts of joy and silliness, dancing around in my little apartment, that I wish I had a person to share those moments with. I don’t feel that my life is lacking in any meaningful way. I have jolly good fun on my own with my puggo. My nearest and dearest, though spread far and wide, are very supportive. Once this gallbladder is outta me, I’m definitely going to “get out” more, but I also won’t feel bad about preferring my own company at home.

Being a single woman is awesome until it’s not. I feel like an old pro with most of the dating apps at this point. It all starts to feel very scripted, same old pickup lines, same old excuses. My bullshit detector is sensitive af! With the pandemic shutdown still in place but everyone scrambling to get their vaccines completed, the dating world has suddenly turned into the wild west. I was talking to some people, nothing out of the ordinary, but the conversations continued and I started to really enjoy myself. When someone is interested and enthusiastic, it can feel really good. Throw in some fun flirting and finding things in common with one another, it can even be addicting. Like when you have a new crush and that’s all you think about. Ha-ha!

It began with talking to one person, then two, and now three. Each had qualities and characteristics that I was into and found refreshing. Conversations were frequent and started to become a regular part of my day. Two people in particular I had been talking to virtually everyday for over a month. It felt like things were really great and that I might get to meet these people once we’re all vaccinated. But you see, friends, I have this annoying ability at picking up on behavioral patterns very quickly and the coincidences were not sitting right for me. I started to take notes about these people, at first to keep my facts straight, and then things took a dark turn.

I was texting with one when they said they had an issue. I’m an empathetic person, so I asked what was going on. They said it was their tax return, because they were overseas (short term contract they said, more on that in a mo), they weren’t able to access their account for some reason. They said that a friend or relative could get it for them with their SSL and DL. I simply said that isn’t true, only a spouse that you’ve filed jointly with can do that. I’m no fool! The IRS is very clear about these things. They insisted that because they’re working for the government they were allowed to do this. C’mon! The kicker is when I respond with facts they respond with emotion. “I’m hurt and feel disrespected” they claimed. “I don’t appreciate you insulting my intelligence like this” I replied. Then they fell silent for a bit claiming to be working…at 3 am…as an orthopedic doctor working with the air force stationed in Yemen. SUUUURE! This morning they popped up again and said they were angry at me about it. I said, “You’re only angry that I didn’t naively fall for your scam.” Then they got rude and offensive. Y’all, they said I was a selfish asshole! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

As if that wasn’t enough, the second person I was talking to, that I really thought was real I tell ya. Well, they said they had a problem that was stressing them out. And my stomach dropped. They work in construction project management and their retainer fee was shorted and they needed to pay their workers. They claimed that because some of their workers aren’t from America that their bank froze their account when too many foreign transfers occurred on the same day. Plausible. They explained that they were trying to log into their Cash App to pay their workers but someone must have hacked their account because they can’t log in. They claimed to have called customer service and still no luck. Playing coy I suggested they call their bank or go in person. That they try Paypal, Venmo, Zelle…They started to say how much they trust me and that if I could help them to just create a new Cash App account and share the login…and I laughed my ass off. Two scammers on the same day?! Are you kidding me?! Life can’t be this ridiculous, right?! It is, friends, it really fucking is! When I suggested this was a classic scam technique they got upset, said they were hurt and then very suddenly went to bed. Ha! 

So let’s break down some red flags because I didn’t catch them as such immediately but very soon saw them for what they were, bullshit!

All three were:

*Local to me but suddenly traveling for work, not returning for several weeks
*Only children (maybe not a red flag on it’s own, but all three at once?!)
*Were not born or raised in my state
*Not vaccinated and didn’t even have an appointment to get one (it’s open to all over 16 in my state now)
*Professed their heavy feelings very early in communication (“I love you!” lots of future life talk, promises of *happiness)
*Never asked for a phone or video call (one even claimed a phobia, which I get, but also, c’mon!)
*Wanted to chat on another app right away rather than use the dating app (some dating apps super suck, I get that, so I offer Kik as an alternative since you don’t have to give out your phone number like you do with WhatsApp)
*Suddenly had a money issue that required my assistance via providing my SSN/DL (they never asked for money, one even offered to split their tax refund with me ahhahahahaha!)
*Responded with emotional manipulation when I said this was a classic scam technique
*All 3 gave or used their full names either in conversation or as their usernames, I mean who does that?!

Now there were things that made me believe they were the people in their pictures. Like when I asked for a pic they would send one right away, but not posed or in odd locations, it seemed to me they were who they claimed. They never asked for nudes or anything salacious. One never really even flirted in the usual way and always kept things respectful. All three seemed to be very well mannered, which I was super into. UGH! I forgave typos and other text based oddities. Like the Dr used exclamation points instead of question marks. The Project Manager copied poetry from google and then lied about it. Didn’t use proper grammar, which I get is not something a lot of folks do in text, but they were supposedly wooing me, right?! 

I am careful before I even interact with people. I do reverse google image searches, social media searches, what have you. I never give out my real phone number. When they insist on moving off the original dating app to communicate I always push back at first. “What’s the difference between texting here or another app?” Sadly apps like Tinder and POF are not timely with their chat notifications, used them for years, so I’m more forgiving because of this. Which is why Kik is a better choice since you don’t need a phone number to use it or find people. I use google voice for my phone number, it’s free and will text and ring your phone like normal, and they are none the wiser. I actually say in my profiles, “Do not ask for my number, I will offer it when I’m ready.” but I’ve yet to have anyone actually fucking respect that. These people didn’t even know my last name. They knew so little about me and yet claimed to be in love with me.

Please be safe! Report profiles once you see the red flags pop up. Protect every aspect of your identity! I know how hard that is, you wanna meet people, get to know them, see how things progress. But some things really can wait. Addresses, real phone numbers, last names…why would anyone need those in order to know they like you and wanna meet you IRL? Push back or say no to something at random and see how they react. Strong emotional reactions are a big red flag! If they are insisting on using a specific app, offer an alternative. The harder they push for what they want, the more likely it is that they will try to scam you. It is a sad state of affairs here, folks. I get it. I’m touch starved and horny af over here but I’m also not trying to fuck over the hard work I’ve put into getting my credit where it is now or risking my home or life in the name of getting laid. Below are some infographics I found useful, I hope you do too:

At least Tinder has a way to verify profiles now, so I will only be interacting with verified users going forward on there. They are also introducing a background check option (for a fee of course). I tried using Spokeo to look up their phone numbers (it’s a dollar) but what the hell is with being unable to look up phone numbers these days?! Googling their very common names came up with nothing. One blocked me before I could report them. I took screenshots of their profiles though. I really don’t mess around with this shit. And this is all before an actual date to meet is set.

When I know I am going to meet someone IRL I will gather what info I have and give to a friend, even checking in on Facebook or giving a friend the address of wherever I’m going to be. Never travel to a second location or get into their car on the first date (I have done this when I felt comfortable with the person, but I do not believe I ever will again). And it never hurts to brush up on some self defense techniques. I know it’s shitty to have to worry about all of this while looking for love, but this is the world we live in. I wish everyone much success in their love life, but more so, just stay as safe as you possibly can.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Whatta week! Thank FUCK it’s Friday! Whew!

This week gave me the menstruation blues and I was really struggling for a couple of days. Even after the cramps subsided, my emotions were making me feel unsteady where I was once so solid. Yesterday I was just feeling so tenderhearted and I didn’t know why. Chalking it all up to hormonal fluctuations and thankful as hell that my period actually ended early. I don’t think that that’s ever happened before, but will take every small victory, thanks.

After feeling super sad and trying my best to fight it, I took a full body exfoliation shower to hopefully slough off more than dead skin cells. Still feeling down I decided to go about shaking it off in another way. I had toyed with the idea of doing sheet pan pancakes for a couple of weeks and finally just said to myself, “Fuck it!” and did the damned thing…whilst rocking my hips to Tina Turner’s “We don’t need another hero“. Try it, seriously, start with just your hips or shoulders, swinging to the beat. I promise it’s a mood lifter! It helps if you raise your fists in the air for the chorus, too. It’s just science! Ha-ha! My pancake came out great, if not on the dry side, but with my mood lifted and some fresh strawberries on hand I went about my evening meal with glee.

I was rudely awakened by a garbage truck emptying dumpsters right behind my bedroom window at 3:30 am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I had some morning calls and such to handle for work and then got some coffee and toast in me in order to feel alive again. I read my April horoscope and then it dawned on me: It’s Friday! Fri-YAY! Woo! So I got a lil’ dolled up and decided I’m feelin’ myself pretty hard today, time for pics! I don’t take selfies often, nor do I wear makeup often these days. Though I try to when the fancy grabs me because I genuinely enjoy the process of it and it makes me take better care of my skin too.

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I’m 43, no filters used, no foundation used, just lots of moisturizer and a quick bit o’ mineral powder and blush on my face. I’m feeling like my face mask and exfoliating paid off yesterday! Ha! Headband is just a nice silky ribbon I got on etsy. I have four and I love them for all kinds of things I do with my hair. Today I was feeling a lil’ KiKi’s Delivery Service so I went with the red one. I have no idea what the rest of today has to offer, but I’m ready for it!

How are you feeling today? What helps you feel more like your best self? When was the last time you were really feelin’ yourself? Music always helps me but the genres change constantly. Got any feel good tunes to suggest? I hope you all have a lovely and fabulous weekend. *Blows Kiss*

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Fuck you very much!

Fatties already have a very difficult time finding fashions that make our hearts sing let alone regular everyday items for fit and comfort, but you, Unique Vintage, went out of your way with your little April Fool’s joke and toyed with my emotions. What I wouldn’t give to have one of those 1820’s dresses you so mockingly offered today?! UGH! The nerve of it!

Maybe I’m too serious or can’t take a joke, but you know what? The joke’s on YOU because your sizing is shit and you won’t get a dime of my money as a result of this “joke” today. I would have worn the hell out of both of these dresses and paid a pretty penny too!

“Let us never underestimate the power of a well-written letter.”
Jane Austen, “Persuasion”

I am all for a good natured prank or joke if no one is harmed or hurt but this fucked with my emotions after a year of trying to find styles similar to these and the more cottagecore styles that were so trendy last summer. But no, retailers feel the need to do this shit and worse and I’m just not having it!

Spend those marketing dollars on communities that need it so that your customers can feel good buying from you. Invest in developing new items that your customers have long dreamt of. Because seriously? WHO IS THIS SHIT FOR?!?!??!!?

Buh Byeeeeee!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com