At least that is how it feels right now: Chaos! Yuck! Do not want! At some point in 2012 I’d convinced myself that this chaos business was a good thing or that I could thrive in it. WhatTheFuckEverSelf! Psshht! No, thank you.
Part circumstance, part hormones, part anxiety, part PTSD and part “how do I have such amazing people in my life?!” (would that be disbelief or unworthiness?), I’m in a scary place. The scary bits are due to both good and bad things occurring, but no matter which I’m focused on I feel as though I have no say or control at all.
I feel like an asshole for complaining. I know it could be far worse. But how I am feeling right now is valid, right? Because I feel abandoned, alone, terrified and on the brink of disaster. See? Asshole! I have amazing friends. I will never deny that. Yet I don’t feel that I can go to them and ask for the things I need. I have this “Special Geek” in my life who makes me very happy, but things are still so very new (and undiscussed/undeclared).
The truth is, I just want someone to hold me, tightly, and allow me to sob quietly into the crook of their shoulder. I want to feel secure and cared for. Because it feels as though my world is crashing down around me and everywhere I turn more hurt seems to come my way. Due to this it seems a lot of old insecurities are popping back into my head and it’s becoming more difficult to fight them off.
Some of you have referred to me as “brave” and I’m here sobbing and woe is me-ing. Fuck. I feel like I should be apologizing to, like, the world. I feel like I have failed at life. And I feel like the biggest and most selfish jerk for feeling this way. Spiraling thoughts returning, I hate those. So it’s like this immense inner struggle and I’m left losing no matter what. Ugh!
Like, okay, I know things will be okay, somehow, eventually…they have to! I just, it’s a lot to deal with all at once. I no longer have the foundation that I used to. I aligned my heart and my health within something based on a lie. I trusted those who dare not trust themselves and placed far too much energy and emotional investment in something that didn’t belong to me.
I want so badly to start anew and to call something my own. It seems too far fetched a dream right now. My eyes still sting and my head set to suffering, it’s always been just out of reach. Once I get a handle on one thing the rest falls from my grasp. I know the bad, even the worst of it, is necessary for the good to come as well. The yin and the yang of life; our existence and our universe. Maybe I just have to feel like the pits right now because so much awesome shit is on it’s way. I hope so. I still have hope, ya know. I just wonder who and what will be left in my life when that comes to pass.
I know I have me. I know I am still me, despite all that I feel is wrong with me in this moment. I know that shit ain’t me! I know what I have survived and this will seem so silly and trivial in time. But that’s the crux of it, now isn’t it? Time. *Sigh* Another day, another experience, another moment, another breath…keep on keepin’ on! I will live to fight another day, dammit! 😉