I don’t know how many times I’ve said it, but being in the presence of Tammy & Etang of Raks Africa is to be in the midst of the essence of joy! I’m talking pure, uncut joy! I have seen them perform numerous times now, but it was a special pleasure and honor that they performed at my very own Fatty Affair this past January. And they didn’t hold back in that performance either. It was my favorite and not just because it was something that I organized, but I felt that they really captured the spirit of the event and our community, too. They got us all moving and shakin’ and that is exactly why I attended another of their belly dance classes!

This last Saturday, a couple of us rad fatties went out to Oakland for the belly dance class and while Jeanette and I had gone before, it had just been way too long! Last time the class was two hours and kicked my fatty-lovin’ ass! This time it was one hour of perfection! Seriously! I was like Goldilocks in that last bed, “Just right!”

We got a work out, but we also had a ton of fun! We shimmied and Omi’d and just smiled until, well, I may actually still be smiling from that class now! It’s so hard to explain it, but these women understand what it is to be fat in modern society, live with the burdens of other people’s judgments, yet they carry themselves with total acceptance and a love of their own and others beauty, too. They make you feel divine! They are divine! They are inspiring and incredible! And then they start dancing! Ha-ha!

When they dance together or separately, you just feel it in your soul. Their joy in the dance, in the performance, in the music but most of all in themselves is so apparent the whole audience is smiling throughout! To get such an up close and personal belly dance lesson from them was an honor and a privilege!  They give great support and coaching and understand fat bodies as only someone with one can. They helped me when I struggled to get my stance straight and even remembered that I was working with a knee injury. They just get it!

You cannot help but feel totally and completely sexy belly dancing, it just is the nature of the dance. The secret to those smiles and shimmies and the reason I will keep going to belly dance classes taught by these ladies is just that, they just know how to make you feel good! I always leave wanting to keep my scarf around me and jingle everywhere I go. Last time I did keep it on all day, but this time I had too much going on. It doesn’t matter though, scarf or no, I can simply picture Raks Africa and hear that music in my head and I am instantly transported back to that feeling of pure joy and pleasure. Bad day? No more! <3

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it!

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I love this top–it makes me feel like a goddess. Spring has come here to the DC Metro area and there are as few things as lovely as a breeze on my shoulders.

I strongly believe that every day people should: do something to nurture themselves, find a reason to laugh, pick something to be grateful for, and hold their heads high.

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That is lovely, Kimberly, thank you so much for you submission! Nurturing yourself! I never thought of it that way, but that is exactly what I mean when I go on and on about self-care. Love it!!! <3

Yesterday a friend looked at me suddenly and said, “You’re happy.” Rather plainly, as though this was a fact. I looked right back and said, “it takes a lot of work.” They were surprised, but it lead to a good conversation, which, you know, is my second favorite drug of choice (2 guesses on the first)! I was surprised at how quickly I responded to such a statement, but the truth in my response was heavy.

It is true that it takes work to be happy. I’m certainly not happy all of the time, but I try to stay very conscious of my immediate feelings and experiences. It is when I get caught up or lost in my head for too long that the misery arrives with a big care package of depression. No thanks. While it’s exhausting to be depressed and stressed out all of the time, it’s also easier to get there in the first place. One needs only to pause a moment and look around or turn on the news to gather enough reasons to spiral into despair. It is because of this that I have kept my distance from the news of the world while also trying to stay somewhat informed as well. It’s a balancing act for sure.

It seems so long ago yet terribly recent in my mind and recollection that I was the perpetually depressed girl. Blegh! It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth now to think of it, but it’s true. To get me to smile was to be confronted with a mask of falsehood. I was lost in a world I felt didn’t want or need me. I had no sense of self or identity and I was recovering from a horrific experience. How I managed to put the pieces of my life together at such a young age, well, it’s impressive to me now as only I know the state of my true wits at that time. But I am a survivor and when you’re in survival mode, which is difficult to shake even after any “danger” is long gone, you don’t really think you just do.

I know I am always saying we should be our most authentic selves and honor that and to let go of people and situations that don’t, but you’ll also hear me say you may just have to fake it until you make it. This is true of me and my past. I went about the world hating everything, but especially myself. I saved the worst for myself and treated myself with such disgust and hate that it is quite embarrassing for me to think about now. How I couldn’t see that I was perpetuating the hate and making myself more miserable every second of everyday. I could just write it off as, “I was so young”, but I don’t think that’s it either. I was never exposed to a healing environment or way of thinking. At this point in my life I was in denial about what I’d been through and ashamed that it’d happened at all.

Getting to happy isn’t taught in schools. Self healing, caring and being mindful are not courses you can enroll in or get a degree in. You can read all manner of self-help books, but until you are open to such ideas, really and truly open, you just can’t get there. I know because I tried. I know because I have talked to so many other people who wanted to be happy, and who doesn’t, but just couldn’t see how it was possible no matter what they tried or learned. And that is where faking it can actually help and get you where you need to be.

I had heard or read somewhere that our attitude at any given moment is a simple choice that we make. We may not be conscious of this choice, but it happens. I was the worst morning person. I woke up with such disdain for the world that it was no wonder I carried that with me all day long. I couldn’t understand why when asked about it and it wasn’t until I heard this choice concept that I even began to see how my reaction to things is entirely up to me. I have had discussions on this simple concept with friends and strangers and colleagues. I am living proof that it is a choice, but again, you must be conscious of it in order to change. That is where most of us get caught up, I believe. We either refuse to believe we have a choice at all or we just cannot or will not connect so deeply, yet simply, with ourselves.

Once I realized that I had that choice to make, I chose to not hate myself so actively. I chose to not hate the world for having me in it or for insisting I wake up and participate in it. Ha-ha! And soon I found that I smiled easier, I laughed more and people wanted to talk and be around me more. I’ll never be the popular girl in school, but that’s okay. I’m too punk for that anyway! Ha! But I am the person I want to be around more and more. That in and of itself is such an accomplishment for me. To go from my own worst enemy to being totally okay alone? Wow! It is something I am quite proud of. I’m still working and finding myself enjoying the journey at this point. It hasn’t been without some bumps and even some collisions on this road, but all have taught me something and have been worth it.

Happy takes work, it takes awareness and it is a choice. I very easily can fall back into my self-hating ways, but I know how that felt and I just refuse to now. I choose not to let people’s opinions and judgment get to me. I choose to breathe a bit deeper and to be more fully connected to the ground beneath me. This is the step I’m working on hardest at the moment, though. Staying grounded is very hard for me. With the help of my friends I am getting better at it though. I am trying not to push people away or hide myself away when things get to be too much for me. This is my reflex to do so. And I hope that I can heal the relationships that have been hurt by that, including the one with me.

The biggest revelation I have had lately, thanks to my husband introducing me to the Alan Watts videos on YouTube, is that our perception of things is a fallacy. It simply doesn’t exist. And how can one suffer from or be tethered to something that doesn’t exist?! I love that! I may not be explaining it properly, but feel free to press me for more info. This release of perception, the loss of needing to label and analyze everything, has freed me! It has given me space and room to breathe and grow and just be. It takes effort though and again, choices! But this work is worth it. You are worth it and I am worth it. We are not creatures better than or in control of, rather, we should aspire to find that we are simply alive and part of all that is around us. This is happy.

This is the second week of the Twenty Week Photography Challenge. The first week’s challenge was “Self Portrait.”

And since sharing is caring, please consider sharing “What Makes You Smile” for this week’s challenge over at this blog’s Facebook page and let the pic-filled fun ensue: https://www.facebook.com/pages/NotBlueAtAllcom/252591868096836

So, let’s see…what makes me smile? That’s easy! My “babies!” I mean, I names my cafe after my cat! And y’all know about the puggyman…

What makes you smile? I mean…it IS Friday! Woot! Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

I will be going out dancing tonight and taking a belly dance class tomorrow with my gal Jeanette! Cannot wait!

Stay safe!

*Hugs*

Twenty Week Photography Challenge.

I’ve talked before about letting go of toxic relationships. If that wasn’t enough, my sister from another mister, Jeanette, also wrote about it recently. But you know, it doesn’t seem to be enough. It’s as though these relationships are just always in your life or popping up suddenly or perhaps you’ve just outgrown people who refuse to grow. Whatever the case, I want to talk about this again.

I consider myself a somewhat ambitious gal. I’m not seeking out fame and fortune or anything, but it is important to me to be open to new concepts and ideas and to learn from the world and those around me. The people and places and things I encounter should teach me something. I should be able to learn and grow until I am through with this life. This is my belief, I don’t expect anyone else to share it or fling themselves wholeheartedly into it, it just is. But I do find it difficult to be with people who have no desire to learn or grow or change their lives for the better at all. I can accept people for who they are, but to suffer alongside them when they have no desire to do anything about their problems other than to dwell and stress and just suffer? No thanks.

I am fortunate enough to have surrounded myself with mostly positive, mostly genius and always entirely amazing people (weather they think so or not, not up to them)! As a result of being surrounded by this awesome posse of awesomeness, I can easily forget how hard it can be to attract such people in one’s life and to develop and nurture such relationships. It has taken me decades to assemble this crew and I hold it closest and dearest to me and like nothing else in this world. My love for these people is unconditional. We hurt each other from time to time, but we always find a way to come back and just love, ya know?

There’s no special way or place or trick to meeting such people other than just being yourself and accepting yourself just as you are. That’s no trick, but I realize that it’s no easy feat, either. And even when you think you have the most awesome tribe to love and support you (and you to give that right back and then some), something changes or pops up and you suddenly cannot believe you trusted someone or that they could disrespect you so. It happens. I recently convinced myself that my BFF Jery, hated me. He doesn’t, it’s all fine.

I was afraid to say anything to him about it though. At first because I felt selfish for even thinking it, but I also didn’t want to cause any drama for anyone. I have certainly had enough of that shit lately. I am melodramatic by nature and am finding I don’t always like that quality in myself. So rather out of the norm, I stayed silent for awhile. It wasn’t until our lines of communication were back up and running, so to speak, that I mentioned it to him. I was shocked when he said he’d missed me. It made me feel good but hurt at the same time. Hurt that I’d thought otherwise about such a trusted and true friend. I’m sorry for that, Jery. I hope you know that I love you and nothing will ever change that. <3

There are always people in our lives who may disagree with us for one reason or another. It may be a lifestyle thing, beliefs, politics, and so on, but we try to remain friends with them because at some point they seemed awesome enough for just that. Things change, people change, circumstances change and suddenly you feel like this person is a stranger in your life. Or worse, a judgmental cretin who will stop at nothing to hold you back or put you down. It is awful when these people are your blood relatives. I know, been there.

So what can you do? No one likes a big sloppy confrontation (right?). Underhanded things like cryptically worded emails, Facebook updates and text messages are really not the way to go about it as it doesn’t really explain your feelings or offer them much in the way of working things out. I always suggest the calm, compassionate, but mature conversation. Having said that, some people simply do not deserve or can participate in such things. But the bottom line is that people need to be told honestly and clearly that they are not treating you as you would like to be, and absolutely should be, treated. I am all for giving people chances, but you have to know when to say enough!

Setting boundaries is something we’re not taught as part of our usual childhood type things. Communication techniques are also not taught or perhaps I missed out on that, I did cut a lot of classes! Ha! But seriously, being an adult and having to interact with such a swath of the population for work or what have you, is difficult. Unless you were exposed to such things, you just wouldn’t know how to do them. I’m still not entirely clear about boundary setting, but I know it’s necessary with some people. I have begun to see how boundaries or a lack of can help or hurt a relationship. There are just certain subjects with certain people I know I can’t talk about. It’s not so bad. I can still love and enjoy that person in my life, I just don’t need to get into the sticky-sitch of whatever that topic may be.  If they can respect that as well, we’re cool. If they can’t, well, that’s when I begin to consider why Iwant this person in my life.

You just know when someone is a toxic relationship for you though. You do. You just fucking do! You feel it. You know it. After hanging out with them you don’t feel good or positive or whatever. You feel less than or that you’ve put effort into something and got nothing in return. Friendships, any relationship, take effort. But you shouldn’t have to kill yourself for them! It should be an easy thing to let someone know you care about them. You shouldn’t have to fear shame or rejection. You should be able to just be you, no matter what. If you can’t, then it’s not a healthy relationship. You might consider asking yourself why this person matters to you. Why do you care for them so much? What do they give you? How do they make you feel? If you’re coming up with zeros or negatives, it’s time to let them go.

I know it’s difficult when it’s family. The thing about that…you didn’t choose them! But you can absolutely choose who gets to participate in your life and who you want to spend your love and energy on! That is within your rights and powers and all of it! You deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, equality and love! If you have someone always taking? Tell them to take a damned hike! If you feel like you need to be “on” for them, again, let them go! They are not helping or benefiting you in any way. You don’t need them.

I say this, but I also want to say that you have to give. Sometimes, you have to give a lot. Some relationships take so much time to turn into something special that you wonder what it’s all for…but being with that person should answer that question for you. I know when I’m with my friends, I get a lot out of it. Even just talking or watching a movie, I enjoy the time with them and feel refreshed or energized after spending that time with them. If you’re feeling drained or wrung out after being with someone, every time you see them? Maybe give them some space, give yourself some space. I think that there are people in the world who just don’t know how to be positive or how to be kind or respectful. For whatever reason, they’ve chosen a different role for themselves and that is fine. But that is not okay if you’re not into that. It is okay to let them know this. They should know why you don’t want to spend the time anymore.

Yes, it’s hard. Humans! The bastards! Ha! We have, like, feelings and junk? It’s, you know, like, whatever! But wouldn’t you wanna know if you were the biggest bummer to be around? I would! I was that person! I know I was a major bummer. I don’t know how or why my friends stuck around, but they did and I hope they don’t regret that choice. I am grateful for their loyalty and love everyday. Trust is something you must earn, but love is something you just get and give. I hope that you can ditch these toxic relationships, let go of the baggage and burdens they’ve caused and just start fresh and focus on those that matter and are there for you. Because you deserve and are worth the effort and love and respect and honesty that is out there for you. I hope that you find people in this world that will see that you are amazing. Because you are!

The Irish Claddagh stands for Love, Loyalty and Friendship