NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Time Keeps On Slippin…

May22

This week has been a whirlwind for me and it’s only…Wednesday?! Whew! I have been in great spirits for the most part and while yesterday was kind of full of suck, it was also full of love and support (thank you so much, Raven!). It just started off bad. I woke up late and then rushed out the door to a job interview that never happened and it was so infuriating that I did all I could to calm myself down before heading to Oakland for the rest of my day/evening.

Lunch and chatting with Raven is always something to look forward to, but I missed her and needed her special brand of snark more than ever yesterday. Then I was off to the tech rehearsal for the Big Moves show that is coming up so fast (this weekend!!!). Rehearsal went fine I suppose, but the entire thing was so very triggering. It was no one’s fault, per se, just the accumulation of people and things and where my head was at.

Suddenly, in my head anyway, I was thrown right back to being the poor kid and having the mean rich girls making fun of me or condescending me by pretending they cared about my being included. This isn’t what actually happened yesterday, mind you, but somehow it all came rushing back and I was a fucking emotional wreck. I drove back to Raven’s house in tears and near hysterics. This was not how I’d envisioned my day or my life, but what can ya fucking do?! She and her husband made me feel loved, supported and cared for. I cried on their shoulders and tried to talk things out but you know, it’s hard when you’re in that heightened state.

In the end Raven saved the day and my heart in a lot of ways. It meant closing out Jo Ann’s fabrics and lots of laughing and sighing and drive thru dinner and more laughing. Watching her do some on the fly guerrilla sewing was incredible and inspiring. I firmly believe that there is nothing she cannot do or get done. She is my hero in so many ways and I am so fucking grateful to have her in my life. I need to carry her spirit with me always because I am finding it more and more difficult to speak up for myself lately and I just don’t know why that is.

As I was feeling more and more triggered and for some reason trapped, my throat closed up and I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe, I thought. I just needed to be somewhere else and once I was it all came flooding out. I guess it was necessary on some level. I just don’t know why I am always trying so fucking hard to make people like me or that I’m so fearful of any disagreements. Well, I know why that part is an issue, I mean, I walked away from what was supposed to be a “bff” relationship because that person and I suddenly didn’t see eye to eye on anything and they began to treat me unacceptably. I did not know that this would affect me in other ways. I always saw myself as a band aid ripper and confrontation-ally awesome  (that can be a thing).

I really didn’t know that I wanted to be liked. I didn’t see that my caring so much and so deeply about every living fucking thing on this planet and beyond was such a burden for me until now. It is not in my nature not to care, but to put so much into something that no one else gives two shits about? Wow, eye opener. So I am trying to sort this out and process as best I can. I have so much going on this week though. I am so tired already. Ha-ha!

I feel as though this weekend is bigger than just my performance in a fatty dance show. This weekend is the end of a chapter in my life in many ways. I don’t know what the future or even Monday will bring, but I am ready and willing to embrace it with open arms and an open mind. I just can’t worry or care so much anymore. It’s exhausting and fruitless. I have to take care of my body and allow it to heal. I have to take care of my heart and allow it to take as well as give. I want to do so many things and really my life is beautiful and the only thing missing is a great job (it’s on it’s way, I know it).

When I push myself out of my comfort zone I am almost always rewarded somehow. I grow, I learn, I feel and see new things and just get so much more out of life there. I will be doing more of that. And hopefully I will get better at speaking up for myself, too. I want to be surrounded by good things and great people and so much love that I’m bursting. Well, I’m very close! 😉

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