It is a difficult thing for me to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve always been of the thought of don’t let them kick you when you’re down by simply never showing that you’re down (not just a catchy blog name). I practiced this for years and became quite a pro at it, if I do say so myself. At first, hiding my emotions was a survival mechanism, being held nearly captive for five years. Later, it became a way to escape myself and my own feelings. And now, I say I’m not good at it and that’s somewhat true, but I do it to make things easier on others or myself. But I’m not being my most authentic self when I do this. And that is bullshit.
I am writing this after spending a good part of the day crying. Not all out sobbing no sounds at all actually, just tears…endless fucking tears. Over what you ask? Eh, for now I will simply call it disappointment and frustration. I set my expectations pretty low and they were tampered with and thus let down pretty hard. I let myself down for getting caught up in something I gave up on and then found myself devastated when the reality I knew all along was once again brought to my attention. It’s almost like I mind fucked myself, only I wasn’t alone in it, but whatever it’s done.
I realized that I instantly didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want anyone to know. But then I felt so alone in all of these emotions and that is just no good. I mean, you can’t run from your own head, right?! Being unemployed is lonely enough on its own these days. When one emotion triggers more, it’s just not going to be a good day. I don’t want to bring others down, and I have a way of doing that when I get like this. I don’t live alone, so I try to get myself together before my husband comes home from work. To bombard him with all of this would be pretty messed up. Emotional ambush!
And I don’t exactly feel like talking this out, either. But I realized why and that is progress at least. I put a lot of stock into self-work. I have come a long way to become who I am today. I see now why I get so thrown when something happens and I am caught “off guard.” For instance, if I’m meeting up with someone and I get there and they didn’t tell me they were with or had invited another friend. I get really upset about this, I hide it like mad, but I get upset big time. It feels like betrayal, best as I can describe it. I like to mentally prepare for things and this simple omission can throw a monkey wrench into my day and even make me see that person differently. But then I wonder if I’m more on-guard than off lately. How authentically me can I be if I have my guard up?
And so I sit here in my very vulnerable state hoping for a better tomorrow or at the very least a better 2012 because this 2011 shit is too much for me. Part of being authentic is being vulnerable. I need to honor that. I need to feel it and let it just be. Fighting it only makes it worse and I feel all the worse for even trying. To accept myself is to accept the various emotions I have as well, regardless of what sparked or caused them. Hiding from them, pretending they don’t exist, will only take that much more self-work to get beyond later.
I did open up to one friend through email and she made me feel better. She gave me advice that I needed to hear: all your feelings are legitimate, but which of them are really about the other person and which are a product of everything else. And that is so true! I over think and over analyze and get so caught up in my own emotive-spiral that the world sort of falls away until I come out of it. Gawd, how many years did I live in that cloud?! Too many!!! Ugh! So I can just step back from the situation and emotions at hand and see that I am still me. The sky is not falling, I am not crazy and things will be okay. I always find a way to work things out, on my own or other wise. So be it.
Do you struggle with vulnerability? What has helped you? Thanks for reading.