NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

On “Choosing You”

April8

I got some fantastic feedback on that last post “Choose You” and after a lovely and relaxing weekend away at a friend’s home in Northern California, I thought I’d jump right back into this safe space and keep rolling with it.

It’s funny that I of all people would be talking about identities. I often think I don’t have one. I remember a time when I literally had no idea who I was or if I even fit in this world at all. Well, after much self work, I do belong and I know who I am. Well, I should say that I didn’t realize that I know exactly who I am until a friend and I were chatting and I said, “I just feel like such a mess. Everyone thinks I have my shit together, but we both know that ain’t true!” and she immediately put me in my place (love her!) and said, “No, you do have your shit together and you know exactly who you are, that is more than most, my dear.” Sorry, I can’t clone her…yet! 😉

Hearing that from someone who knows me, but maybe not terribly well, was an eye-opener. Maybe I do have my shit together, just in my own sort of messy way! That’s okay, too, right?! Ha-ha! That’s it though, isn’t it? We think we know what things are supposed to be like, but they never really are and so we get all caught up trying to be and do the things that aren’t authentically us! How exhausting! I mean, I never imaged my future self living the life I do now, for better or worse. I’m happy for the most part, just gotta get this job thing taken care of and I’m set, I think.

We must stop comparing ourselves and our lives to anyone or anything else. It’s pointless and ridiculous. Material goods will never make you happy. Having the hottest-latest-greatest will never satisfy your heart. You have to listen to your heart and your body and trust in yourself and your mind. Know that what you need will come. I know this. I’m just far more impatient than I care to (ever) admit.

One thing that has been coming up a lot for me in the newer relationships in my life is how differently I used to think and feel, both about myself and the world. It’s difficult to explain this to someone you barely know. How much do I tell them about my past abuse and depression? Those are just as much a part of me as my fat acceptance is, right? It’s tricky though. I always hesitate before getting into the abuse explanation, I never want the other person to pity me or feel bad themselves. It’s only relevant when it is and so I do my best to keep things in context.

Telling a friend this weekend that when I get undressed now, in front of someone or not, that I feel powerful. Well, hearing those words come out of my own mouth was a revelation! I do feel powerful, it’s true, it’s just that I never expected this to happen. This wasn’t a destination, it just is. That’s awesome! But it’s also difficult to explain or share with someone, who’s so new to fat acceptance, how this came to be. I can’t really put a finger on it myself.

Not that this is something specific everyone should attempt to achieve. Heaven’s, no! I only use it as an example of how fluid and changing our perception of even ourselves can be. And this is a good thing! I know how different an experience mine is, at any size. I don’t know another woman who feels quite like this (outside of my burlesque performing friends).

If I can feel so differently about myself in such a short span of time (quite literally a few months) then I can certainly change how I see others, the world, my own life, too. This is beautiful to me, this fluidity. It gives me so much hope and often some strength, to boot. And I only want for everyone to have their own moment of beautiful thoughts aimed directly at themselves. Because we are all the same and all so very different and connected by more than we can see and feel and I love that.

Your identity is yours. It is your choice along with so many more. When I say “Choose You” I mean it. Choose to do what’s right for you, everyday. Choose what is in your heart and choose it often. Choose to be the best possible version of you, more authentic than ever. And just choose You! <3

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