A few days ago I mentioned that I often feel as though I have lived, and currently live, many different or separate lives. Today I want to talk about my current thoughts and experiences with this concept and I’ll talk about the other side of that another day. Cool?

I’ll start by over simplifying what I’m talking about here. Basically I have four seemingly very separate parts or aspects of my life that I’m very passionate about. I’m a partner and friend to my husband, friend and confidant to my small circle of bad asses (often referred to here at the BFFs), my business and the community it’s in (which is an hour away from my home) and finally the fabulous fat community both online and locally for me in real life. While I am at once the same person regardless of location or company, in some ways these aspects are so separate that it actually feels, at times, like alternate realities or universes or just lives.

At home I’m my truest self, I think. I am just me. I can wear ratty pajama bottoms and let my hair do its frizz-thang and never have to worry about being judged or ridiculed or shamed because I’m surrounded by love. My husband is such a unique soul and is always challenging and supporting me. I wouldn’t trade him for Ewan McGregor (despite what you may hear from me after a few drinks, ha-ha!). He cares for me and our little family. We have our diva-tabby and our little puggy man and some fish in a freshwater tank and our small garden out on our balcony. He tends to most of these things and I try to stay in-synch with their respective schedules, too. And oh how they’ve all  grown! I love succulents (cactus, etc) and have many small ones, well, now they’re all getting so big it’s awe inspiring! While I do rant or complain here often about my marriage, I do it to share my life, to seek advice, but to hopefully help someone else who may be going through the same things. I just feel that we all think we’re freaks who have such dissimilar experiences, but only because we don’t talk about these “private” or “taboo” matters with each other.

My bad asses are a small group, but mix of  friends I’ve known for decades or a decade and very new people in my life. They support and drive me. They help push me out of my comfort zone and only allow me a breif  luxury of self pity from time to time. They inspire me and amaze me with their own talents and ambitions. I feel like the luckiest gal in the world when I am in their company. I feel invincible and safe with them in a way I never knew I could. While I continue to work on my own trust issues, I am truly enjoying the opportunity to meet new people and get to know some radical individuals.

At work, my cafe, I am everyone’s cheery hostess with the sassy mostess. I’m so not as sassy as I would like to be, but I’m a customer service nerd and I just can’t be rude ever. I have met so many wonderful people in the small community that my cafe does business in. I have made friends and seen babies grow into talking and walking toddlers, I have offered advice and comfort and even health tips for those who seek it and shared great political discourse when the right combination of personalities are in attendance. I feel so much a part of this community that I am also, often, it’s biggest critic. I don’t even live there, but I feel like I do. I feel like I belong there in a strange way I’ve never considered until typing it just now. But it’s also become such a painful and stressful endeavor that it no longer holds the same refuge or meaning for me anymore.

Finally, the fat community! I hardly have the words to express my deep love for this community that gave me my confidence back. That made me feel sexy again and helped me help others who struggle with my same issues and experiences. I have been touched so deeply by so many incredible people I just don’t know how to put my gratitude into words. Let me just say this, I have always felt like I was an outsider. I always felt like the proverbial sore thumb. The fat community made me feel like a radical and effervescent and worthy person. I have met people who have become so meaningful in my life that I cannot imagine a life without them. I have been lucky enough to have been invited to and participated in some amazing shit with some awesome bad asses in the fat community that my life will never be the same again! I have fulfilled dreams! I have also inspired others and helped others cope and deal with the burden that is abuse survival, too. I never could have done this or even felt I had a worthy or unique voice without the fat acceptance community.

These different aspects of my life pull me in different directions both geographically as well as philosophically. I do my best to maintain and be as true to my authentic self as I can. I am on a journey though. This journey allows me to learn and grow and decide what’s right for me as I go. Part of the learning is figuring out how to navigate these sections of my personality and turning them into a meaningful life for myself. I think I’m doing a helluva job lately! And I hope to keep on keepin’ on. I guess I had thought that once you’re in your thirties that you pretty much “get” what you want out of life. Perhaps in some ways this is true for me, but I think it’s like you’re eye sight gets better or you grow a new lens to see the world through. It’s just different. I feel so much more at peace with certain things about myself and the world, but I’m also discovering all of these new things and people everywhere like they were there all along but I didn’t know how to see them. And there’s my hippie self coming out! Ha-ha!