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Endless Transitions


I have often said that the hardest things I’ve done in my life have also been the most rewarding. I’m speaking about my old career as a corporate trainer where public speaking was the norm. I would also do 8 hour workshops and create new things from nothing. So much hard work, so much pressure, but so very worth it! I am also talking about my cafe. Damn that was fucking hard as hell to pull off, but I have friends now that I know will always be there for me as a result. I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished and regret nothing in either of these examples.

I was lucky to have a stable relationship for the last fourteen years. Through all of the hardships and stresses and bullshit, I always had my husband to stand by me, to hold me, to keep me together when I came apart at the seams. The first two months after the cafe opened I would come home every day in tears from pain and stress. The first few weeks he’d even rub my feet and legs until the tears stopped and I could walk again. He often felt helpless when I would come home a mess like that. But he would ask what was hurting and try to take care of that part if he could. But things changed, we changed in different ways. I see that now. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is asking him for a divorce.

Now here I am at the end of my first week in my own place (sort of, I mean, I rent a room in a house). I’m hormonal. I’m emotional. Friends tell me it’s natural and good and cathartic. I find it to be quite stupid. I do not get much out of crying. I dislike it. I’m hardly one to bottle my emotions, but I’ve been accused of “holding it together” the last few weeks. Ugh! I thought I was letting it all out, man! And now I don’t know what to think!

I have seen my husband (and puggyman) everyday since the move. I have seen friends. I have gone to work on time like a good girl. I’m already 1/3 of the way unpacked. My room is looking lovely. I just discovered the joy of sitting in bed and writing on my laptop! I watched a movie last night and unpacked and arranged and while the movie was boring, I was sort of enjoying not worrying about waking someone up or being a nuisance to them. But it is scary. I can’t lie about it. I won’t, anyway. My husband said he’d always be there for me no matter what, and I believe him. But I feel like an asshole. I can’t say that I regret anything yet, it’s far too soon. I do feel that I made the right decision and I need to try to be on my own for awhile. But damn! I am emotionally fucking needy!

Not that my emotional needs were being met by my husband, but now I am solo. It’s just me alone in a room with my thoughts and hormonal emotions! I feel crazy! Part of me wants to run back and beg for forgiveness, but there is another part that won’t allow that to happen. I know I need to do this on my own. I know I need to be more comfortable in the world on my own. I know I need to seek out new things and experience the world and life and just be. But I am antsy! I want all the things right now! Ha-ha! I could never do those things with my husband. Not without the heaviest burden of guilt. Fuck guilt! Such a useless emotion! I’m done with being weighed down with that shit.

I love him still. That won’t change. But I can’t help but reflect on the relationship and see how he has closed himself off from me. How I would work on things and try to communicate my needs better, but it was like talking to a brick wall. He used to be so kind and sensitive and would talk openly with me about anything. But the last 4-5 years it was the opposite. I don’t know what changed in him, but it did and I was helpless to change it back. He grew more wary of the world as I grew more hungry for it. Soon even the simplest of my needs were neglected and I was no longer looking forward to coming home to that “stable” relationship. Stability isn’t everything. I thought it was. But I’d never known it before so I had to find out the hard way. I always find out the hard way. I was just telling Jeanette that I wouldn’t know easy if it kicked me in the teeth!

I need to get out and do things, but I’ve been so tired from the last month’s worth of craziness. I woke up with a sore throat today and I’m so not willing to accept it yet. I need fun! I need adventure! I need distractions! Ha-ha! I am trying very hard to take things one day at a time. Everyone I know is going through some heavy shit right now. I am here for y’all! You have all been so there for me, too! Thank you for that. I just have to find a way to stop thinking! Ha-ha! That is the real killer. My damned brain! *DeepBreath* We can get through this! We are strong! We are amazing! *BlowsKiss*

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10 Comments to

“Endless Transitions”

  1. On February 10th, 2012 at 7:35 am Patsy Nevins Says:

    I will just send hugs & wish you the very best. I am sorry that this is such a difficult time for you both, but I hope you are doing what is best for both of you & that you will be okay. Take care.

  2. On February 10th, 2012 at 9:29 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thanks so much, Patsy! You’re very sweet. <3

  3. On February 10th, 2012 at 11:56 am Twistie Says:

    Of course you’re on an emotional roller coaster. You’re ending something that meant a lot to you, mourning the dreams that didn’t come true and the ones that never can now, dealing with the transition from half a couple to solo act, getting settled in a new job as well as a new home, and… and… and.

    Even the most amicable divorce is going to bring up a lot of emotional flotsam and jetsam. And while crying may feel kind of useless now, it’s better to do it than not do it. It may take years to realize what the catharsis was about, but it still needs to happen.

    Just because something is for the best doesn’t make it easy to do. And it sure doesn’t make the process any less messy. Let it happen as it will, and do your best not to judge yourself. Eventually your psyche will figure out what to do with most of what you’re going through, and you’ll feel on terra firma again.

  4. On February 11th, 2012 at 12:01 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thank you. I don’t even know what else to say. It’s like you just know what I need to be told.

  5. On February 10th, 2012 at 5:31 pm Betsy Says:

    You are so brave, honest, and caring. I hope the upheaval starts to feel more invigorating than daunting soon.

  6. On February 11th, 2012 at 12:01 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Betsy: Thank you.

  7. On February 10th, 2012 at 8:11 pm Amanda Says:

    I wish I was around more to know you are going through this! If you need someone to chat with you know you can always talk to me.

    Take care.


  8. On February 11th, 2012 at 12:03 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Amanda: Oh thanks, hun! I’ll be alright. Just hormonal and awkward this week. =0) I think I sort of distanced myself from everyone for a bit to keep the drama away, but I should chat with you more, that is for sure!

  9. On February 11th, 2012 at 6:25 am Dee Says:

    Hugs. It sounds like you and your husband had a good thing going at one time. Maybe it has ended now, or maybe you both just need some time alone to sort things out. I’ve seen both things happen with friends, and I’ve had the experience of leaving a relationship that had once been great and had withered away over the years but wasn’t terrible, enjoying the experience of establishing myself independently, and then finding something better. Either way, I wish both of you all the best!

  10. On February 11th, 2012 at 10:56 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Dee: yes, thank you. <3

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