NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Mind Your Business

January5

You know what kills me? When people say fatties are obsessed with food. Like, because we inhabit a fat body that must mean that we’re all food all the time! The truth is not so simplistic. It is certainly easier to believe some bullshit stereotype, but it’s unacceptable to generalize any group of people in this way.

The truth? People of all shapes and sizes are over eaters. This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? People of all shapes and sizes are under eaters or anorexic! This is a serious eating disorder that affects people’s lives. This is not something to joke about or laugh at or shame people over. Another thing? Don’t be a dick to people! Assumptions are bullshit and we need to knock it the hell off!

You know who is food obsessed? Dieters! No one talks about or thinks about food more than those who are dieting! Especially this time of year when it feels like everyone is starting some new fad diet and they have to tell you all about it. NOPE! Ya don’t! But I know you will and I will smile in your fucking face as I tell you to stfu about it! Seriously, shut the fuck up about it already! It’s boring and no one cares!

Some say you’re always in recovery when it comes to eating disorders or sobriety, and I think that’s true. I still struggle with my anorexia, though nowhere near like I used to. There are certain triggers I try to avoid and mostly do okay with that, but again, this time of year with all of its diet-workout culture bullshit, it’s extra hard. The worst is the smarmy-holier-than-thou attitudes that permeate due to these new regimes. It’s a fucking joke! No one is better than anyone else and certainly not for what they eat or how they choose to move their bodies.

The worst is when your significant other jumps on these band wagons. No seriously! One would hope that we would be partnered with someone whose belief align with our own, and they often do, but on certain subjects, and especially socially reinforced ones, it’s easy to get caught up. And sure, it’s fun to try new things, I get that. What I do not get at all is doing the same thing each year and expecting new results (that never come). Seriously!??! Isn’t that the very definition of insanity?! Yeah, my bf is, once again, for the third year in a row, recommitting to eating healthier and tracking every possible statistic you can gather about yourself (Fitbit and all). When I said, “You said that last year.” about these things, he responded, “Yeah but I’m going to stick with it this year!” and I replied, “You have said that the last two years, though.” he didn’t have a reply.

Now, look, it’s one thing to do these things on your own. I mean, more power to ya! But to drag others down? Unacceptable! Do NOT ever fucking remark on other’s eating habits or body size. Do NOT ever fucking make assumptions about these things to or about anyone, EVER! No seriously, don’t fucking do it! Not even as a joke! Don’t joke about that shit! You can cause far more harm than good. And…

What anyone puts into or does with their body is their business, period.

Let’s keep it that way!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.

<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

 

Whose Rules Are You Following?

December30

Have you noticed the looks on folks faces when you do something that goes against what they deem to be a rule? I’m talking about being confident in a fat body, breaking fashion “rules”, not dieting or trying to lose weight, or even having a fulfilling life. It’s one of confusion, denial, sometimes laughter (as though we must certainly be pulling their leg) and eventually anger.

I’ve had people congratulate me for buying produce at the grocery store. I’ve had innumerable older white women judge me upon what is in my cart or on the conveyor belt at the checkout line. I’ve had them make comments, remarks, insults, you name it. I’ve had folks make eye contact before hitting me with their shopping cart or baby stroller. While I’ve had these things happen in nearly every shopping setting, I will say that it was worse at Whole Foods, in particular (an old job required I shopped there for them 1-2 times weekly, it was horrible).

They will all insist that they act so despicably because they care about your health, and they are lying. In what other situation or scenario or embodiment would someone treat you inhumanely because they care about your health?! It’s bullshit! I’ve laughed in people’s faces over that shit. If someone truly cares about your health they will ask you how you’re feeling, if you need anything, they will sound supportive. Big difference, there!

When fat people appear confident and happy in public it goes against every rule that so many others have built their lives upon. The years of behavior modification and self denial and all for what? So they might finally be deserving of the love and self respect that we are not flaunting in their faces without the struggles they’ve been through. (Obviously, not really, but this is certainly how some would view it.) For many, these behavior mods and denials become a big part of who they are. When you’re taught early on that certain things are bad or make you a bad person, it can certainly shape your views and who you are as a person.

Fuck this! ^

We’ve all tried these ridiculous things, filled with false promises, often disguised as a healthier way of living. It’s all lies. We know it is. Yet we fall for them time and time again. For what? Because we’re promised the love and respect and human decency we’re denied simply because we live in a larger body. Ridiculous!

Who knows what I could have accomplished or achieved had I spent more time living my actual life instead of actively hating my body. Now I can honestly say that letting go of those things, those rules and behaviors, was the best thing I’ve ever done. Free of the self hate and worries over every little thing and trying desperately to fit in (even when I didn’t truly want to, tbh). I would wake up so sad everyday. I spent years living that way. It’s not worth it! It never was and it never can be. Hating yourself, allowing others to make you feel that you should hate yourself and your body, is never fucking worth it!

When you get to the heart of this bullshit, it is all about money. It all started as a marketing scheme to distract and control and to profit. That’s it! That’s all! It was never about health and happiness. It’s so easy to get sucked into these things, it’s all very religious and cult like, imo. All of the rituals and meetings and shame and guilt and good versus bad. Blegh!

You’re perfectly fine just the way you are.

Live the life you’ve always wanted to!

Nothing is holding you back, but yourself!

Let go and just be you!

So whose rules are you following?

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

P.S. Check out the hashtag: #FatAndFree in Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

New Year, New You…For Whom?

December28

We’re smack in the middle of the week between Xmas and NYE and the volume of the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit has gone from a tolerable din to a raging dischord-symphony. UGH! I want to smash it all! I don’t do resolutions, I don’t do goal setting, and I don’t fuck with diet culture! NOPE!
grump-nope
What I have always strived for is simply to live a life of my own choosing. Being and (always) becoming my most authentic self. So when we start with the whole “New Year, New You!” bullshit, what feels gross to me is the implication that there is something inherently wrong with us/me/you. Fuck that!

If I feel that I want or need to make a change in order to set myself up for a more authentic life, then I just will. I don’t need a date or a commercial or a book or a new workout fad to make it happen. Of course it’s totally okay and fine to try new things, but I ask you to explore one thing: for whom these things are done?

The importance of this cannot be overstated: For whom is this for? Because if it isn’t for yourself, what else are you compromising or missing or holding yourself back from enjoying?!

Whispers of, “It’s for your health” and “I love you and I just want you to be healthy so you can live longer” all sounds nice, but if anyone gave an actual shit about your health and well being they wouldn’t attempt to make you feel like shit with this passive bullshit to begin with. If you do have people in your life passive aggressively “motivating” you to do these things, ask them what it is they are attempting to make you feel and compare that to how it actually makes you feel. Is it shame?  Is it guilt? Is it that they think something is wrong with you and feel it’s your responsibility to “fix” yourself? Because fuck that and fuck them!
screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-18-40-pm

Think about your day to day life. When you wake up in the morning, what are the first things you think about? What are the first things you do? For whom are you doing these things? What thoughts or actions are you suppressing or ignoring because of someone or something else?

You have to live your life for you! You cannot be your most authentic self if you’re holding yourself back from what your heart desires!

You deserve better! If there’s things in your life you want to change, do it for you! It is your life, no one else’s!

“I want many things, sure, but most of all I want to be and feel loved and special. Isn’t that what any of us wants?”
(Quote from a previous end of the year post on this blog.)
screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-20-30-pm

When I started my new job (it still feels unreal and new I guess, 7 months in), I quickly bonded with someone over a book, “Daring Greatly” and not only do I highly recommend that book (by Brene Brown), but there was something she said in the book that has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something like, Are you happy with who you are and your life right now? Is this the life you set out to live? Like, if you could see your life now from when you were a kid, would you be okay with it? That whole book is so quotable! But I can’t find the exact quote. You should read it anyway, it’s just good.

I just reread some past posts from this time of year. They’re all filled with portions of hope and despair and wishes and fears. It is no small wonder that this time of year always rattles me! I noticed a serious pattern of income instability at this time of year for many years! I’m so glad that is not the case this year. This year all of my battles and struggles are internal. Life can seem so simple from the outside, but dammit it’s hella complicated when you’re actually living it! Ha-ha!

I’m depressed this week. I know it will pass, it always does. I’m trying to get my house together, but it’s awfully slow going. I’m enjoying the downtime with my lil’ puggo. Each day brings sad, sad news. This weekend will be full of celebrations with friends. I feel a growth spurt on the horizon. I hope it brings more joy, fulfillment, and abundance into my life.

screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-16-16-pm

If you’re feeling a bit adrift as well, might I suggest perusing The Steps, which are just ten steps of stuff that has helped me live a happier life. I’m going to reread those myself and see where it takes me. I really felt in my element when I wrote those, I miss that.

I won’t entertain prophecies or fortune telling for the coming year, but I can put out the intention that we will be closer to each other. What brings us closer who can say, but I hope we can all lean on each other and our communities.

We are stronger through vulnerability, not in avoiding it.

Listen to your gut. Never lose that connection to yourself.

See you on the flip side!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL.
<3
S

screenshot-2016-12-28-at-12-18-00-pm

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

A Metaphor for this Week

November11

As I was walking from the train station to my office, where there is always tons of ever changing construction, I heard a car’s blaring horn. It went on and on until finally the construction worker who was literally beside the car shouted, “Hey! Stop it! I’m right here! Stop honking already!” When I looked up to get a grasp of the scene I noticed two interesting details. First, that there was no vehicle or persons in front of this car, so I couldn’t make out why on earth they would be honking their horn. Second, that the vehicle doors were emblazoned with the seal of, “U.S. Department of Elections” and I did in fact laugh out loud upon seeing that last detail. I mean?!?!

Is there any better representation of this fucking week?!?!!?

</3
S

I Want To Believe

November10

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend a ladies wine night held by the CEO’s assistant (and incredible badass, IMO). As I walked into the clubroom with a beloved co-worker, we were met with kind greetings, but also a group of professional women all dressed in black. It was a dark day, indeed, but was this all intentional? Who knows! I know I had originally intended to dress up for this event, but upon awaking that morning I just couldn’t bring myself to wear anything but all black. It felt more like a wake than a celebration.

After some great wine and food and conversation I started to think that maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe we have a chance right now to change things for the better. My Facebook feed affirmed this. Activist groups are starting to organize! Maybe there is hope! A few more glasses of wine and a vegan donut later and I had nearly forgotten what had cast its ugly shadow over that day. Bonding with coworkers and getting wasted on fancy food and wine was splendid!

Walking to the train station at what felt to be very late at night (but was only 8:30pm), I passed a few couples possibly on dates going to and fro. I felt their tentative spirits and nervous-boozey laughter. Or maybe I was just wine-drunk and self conscious! Ha-ha! I was so focused on catching my train, I hadn’t thought much about being in danger or anything. Very unlike me, but it gave me pause once I secured my seat and got settled. The very fact that I wasn’t worried about any immediate dangers was shocking to me, but also what a fucking privilege to not have to worry about that?! Seriously! I always worry about that and am naturally (PTSD) paranoid. I remember having the thought as I left the party, “Where is my pepper spray? Oh ok, I know where it is.” but not enough to actually have it in-hand. Rare.

Once on the train, however, I was full of mixed emotions. Hearing well-off white folks express their sudden distress and concern over the fate of our country, the shock of how hateful it all is, how they had no idea just how racist and sexist this country is (this isn’t the country I thought it was!), was very trying. And I’m not a person of color. It was hurting me to see and hear white folks burdening POC with their emotional baggage. I wanted to shout at them and shake them and make them lift the veil that their privilege hides from their eyes. I was surprised at their shock and their lack of compassion for those who have always been targeted. Those who have always been marginalized, oppressed, and attacked know this has always been a country built upon violence and hate. Your white tears are nothing new to anyone except you. Sounds harsh, maybe (not  really), but it’s necessary because POC and LGBTQ have been fighting this fight all their lives.

If you’re really so upset, act like an ally and help! Join a local organization or groups who are planning protests and such. Offer comfort and kindness to your POC and LGBTQ friends and loved ones. Give space and raise the voices of these groups! Use your white privilege to elevate the causes of others! And it was within this line of thinking that I started to realize that there is hope! Maybe we as a nation built upon white supremacy needed this hideous wake up call to show just how awful things have always been. Maybe now things will finally change for the better for ALL!!!

I want to believe.

</3
S

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (body positive always, funny sometimes):
http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS  Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/
And as always, feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers:
notblueatall@notblueatall.com
If you would like to give money to support this blog and it’s archives, via paypal, you may do so here: http://bit.ly/1P2cZgO

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