NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

You Can Surprise Even Yourself

April15
I’m a lifelong sufferer of insomnia. I have struggled with sleeplessness since I was twelve years old and I was just starting junior high, and also getting bullied. Even before the PTSD-C that my abuser gifted me not long after (at age fourteen), anxiety must’ve started with me even earlier, likely around five. In any case, it’s usually falling asleep that is the hurdle to get across for me. Of course I’ve tried all the remedies, homemade or over the counter, I’ve mostly shied away from prescriptions, but that’s more due to access than other things. Over the years I have found what works best for me and when to use or not use certain methods.
I have never been what one might call a “morning person”. *Shivers* No one has ever called or mistaken me for one either, I can assure you. Yes, I’ve had a few jobs that required that I begin my shift at an ungodly hour: 6 am. It is one thing to have to wake up at this time, but it is another entirely to have to be up and awake and alive and ready to work and interact with other humans. Perish the thought! But I’ve done it, many times, for many years even. First at a wedding website, then for a quality control company for insurance agencies, and finally at my own cafe. I always managed, in my own odd ways.
When I have had jobs that allowed me to have a weekend off, I always want to sleep in! There is nothing more delightful than relishing in the comfort of one’s own bed. Ahh! Yet I have not once had a bed partner who would agree, hardly fair, I think. Can my next bed partner be all about hanging out in bed?! Ha-ha! Even my puggo likes to get up and have breakfast before the sun comes out before going back to bed again.
I’ve lived on my own a good long while now and for sure every weekend I do sleep in. I may get up a couple of times, but I’ll go back each time to fully commit to that good weekend morning sleep! An ex-boyfriend didn’t understand it, my ex-husband felt much the same way, but it is a type of rest that only comes when there’s no anticipation of an alarm clock or obligation.
To my own utter amazement I did not sleep in this weekend, at all! It wasn’t planned and I had no intention of getting up and starting the day so early, but on both days of this past weekend I was up and dressed and doing things before 8 am! I do tend to go to bed early on Friday evenings, but that’s never caused me to wake up early before! Ha-ha! Perhaps I’m at a point where my sleep cycle is no longer running on a continuous deficit? I can’t be sure.
On Saturday I don’t think it even registered how early I was up or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. It wasn’t until Sunday, as I was at the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, the last stop of my errands, when I looked at my phone with astonishment: 9:28 am. I had already made three previous stops. I couldn’t believe my own eyes and just sort of stood there dumbfounded for a moment, but then it was my turn to check out so I snapped out of it. Ha-ha! It was a strange feeling, though, to feel good and be doing things and yet have it all feel as though it’s not you doing it?! Hard to explain.
I think I’m in a phase of some sort, of possibly shedding some old ways. Can only be good, I’m certain. On Saturday I had made sure to take care of some things that would allow me to feel less stress and to set myself up for a better week ahead, too. I didn’t get around to washing my bedding, but I may just do that tonight. The best part is that it doesn’t matter at all, not one bit! There is no one it affects but myself and I don’t have any sort of need or care about such things, only a fleeting fancy here and there.
Oh I did get a lovely pot of chrysanthemums (white with yellow centers) and a small mint plant that I promptly added to my lil’ garden/planter box. I forgot to snap a photo, but it’s not much to look at just yet. It did make me happy though, to be in the morning sunshine for a few minutes, massage living things into the dirt. And I had started to write again, more poetry/rant-y type stuff, in a notebook that day and kind of kept it going through Sunday.
I feel good. About all this, about my life right now. I have worries, but I think things will work out just fine. They always do somehow. I feel that I have let some internal notions go and this has given me new strength or motivation. I don’t always want to hide from the sun, the world. I do enjoy the more gentle rays of late morning or early evening. If that ain’t a metaphor for my life I am not sure what is?! Ha! I just know that, as troubling as things have been, better, so much better, is on the horizon…for all of us.
Let us each dig deep into the earth, into ourselves, and free up what has been tethering or weighing us down. We can choose to let go and lift ourselves up, even and especially if it feels funny in the moment. I can’t truly explain the serenity I felt this past weekend, but it’s wholly my own and that is fucking priceless!
We do not have to carry habits that no longer serve us. We do not have to follow suit, simply because “that’s how it’s always been”. We can choose to step away and observe and decide for ourselves what is right, what feels best for ourselves now. Do not give thought or concern to what was. As the dead leaves have nourished the soil beneath the trees from whence they came, so too can you feed your roots and give yourself and your life a new chance to bloom into the life and garden of your own creation.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

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