How have y’all been liking the videos? Do you prefer them to text? Please let me know. I enjoy both, but haven’t really heard feedback in awhile so hit me up!
Worthiness & Approval: Heavy stuff, eh? Well, it’s what I’ve been swimming in lately and as many good days as I’ve had, I think I’ve had as many bad ones. It is interesting how differently my mind works now. Is 30+ like the second or third age of reason?! Ha-ha! I see everything so differently now that I have to wonder what the next phase will be like, ya know?
I’m constantly telling people they are worthy. They are! YOU ARE! I am…we’re all worthy of all of the love and energy and goodness in the world. I talk all of the damned time about loving and supporting yourself and being the best you that you can be and all of that. But I still have moments where I feel a weighty sense of unworthiness. In fact it seems it’s been coming up a lot more lately and I don’t know why.
I have certain friendships/relationships with people that I admire and respect and look up to the person so much that while I get super excited to spend time with them, I feel so fucking unworthy of their presence in my life at all. Sometimes the urge to flake or bail will be so strong that it will take everything in me to leave the house. I don’t know where this is coming from, but it’s there. Confessing this to a glorious bad ass yesterday on Facebook gave me some relief and pause when she admitted feeling the same. Wha?! I know! We’re all too awesome for this shizz!
Then the other night whilst talking with B about I don’t know what I had a revelation, I seek attention not because I hate being alone or am uncomfortable with my own company and solitude, but because I was neglected so very much as a child. Some may call this a cop out, but I don’t. It suddenly all clicked for me! I don’t like how much our childhoods shape our future, but damn it, they sure as fuck do!
How do I know this to be true? Because I have been spending copious amounts of time alone on purpose. Mostly to create space where I feel it’s necessary and because I’ve been listening to my gut more now than ever. I have this very strong gut feeling that there is a lot being kept from me by those I love and care for most. It hurts a lot, but I don’t know what it could be or why. So I have been trying to find peace with that somehow because there ain’t shit I can do about it.
I’m still processing all of the stuff from my Ohio trip, but I’m mostly okay with all of that. I will be talking more about that stuff and how it’s changed my perspective on a lot of things. I guess you could say that I’ve had a lot on my mind. Ha-ha! It’s all a bit much, actually, but I’m doing my best to work through it, I know it’s worth it and sorting it out will heal me. *Sigh*
I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone as often as I can to make sure that I am learning and growing and experience all I can, while I can. (I’ve even gone on a few dates!) It’s all so fun and exciting, but again I’m also trying to give myself time to process things and not wanting to get too caught up in a temporary feeling by making any permanent choices, ya know? *DeepBreath*
I know time is the answer to a lot of my “problems” and so I am working towards patience. I am working towards forgiveness and letting go, too. Others baggage can no longer hold me back and I’m unpacking my own as quickly as I can. It is in the present that I want to live and towards the future where my hope belongs. My head and my heart will follow suit, of this I’m sure. It will just take time.