NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Working Through & Struggling

May16
I spent this past weekend expecting one thing and living entirely another. I was ready for hot spring days outside in the sun, SPF 70 in my bag and my swimsuit at the ready. I dressed for the weather and got compliments galore and from unexpected sources: strangers! What?! I know! I went shopping on a whim…I never do that anymore. I can’t even explain why I did it, other than having a coupon. I ended up spending way more than I’d planned, but I don’t yet regret it and have no plans on doing so. The truly odd thing is that I spent most of my time indoors and quiet.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but silence puts me on edge in a major way. As long as I have music I am happy and productive and whatever I need to be. No music? Freak out time!!! Luckily, there was music, for the most part. I hung out with B and the Puggyman and sort of spaced out. I doodled and those became mini paintings (which I plan on selling here soon). I was grateful for the creativity to return to me and for the time and space to engage it. It was nice in some ways to let my mind wander to where it wanted and not force myself to let go of those thoughts constantly. But it was difficult to accept where my mind chose to wander and it left me spending way too much time in my own head.
After writing Monday’s post I felt exorcized in a way. I felt released anyhow. Those feelings and thoughts had been simmering for quite some time and it felt good to get them out and sorted. It also left me with a serious urge/itch to get the meaning of my Chinese character tattoo changed. All I need to do is get a third character and it would change the meaning from pain to something else…I have it somewhere; I have got to dig it out. Ha! I feel weird having it say what it does and it feels very inauthentic to me now. Or maybe it feels like a choice or direction and I don’t want either in regards to that. I am done with that life and that version of myself. It is because of this that I want to sell these little paintings, to raise the moolah to make it so!
A lot of the time spent in my own head had to do with worthiness. I hate that I struggle so much. I was under the self-deluded impression that I wouldn’t continuously struggle with it, but here I am. I am again at odds with my heart. My head knows that I am worthy and deserving of all of the love and attention and affection I desire and need, but my heart is filled with doubt and shame and guilt and other ridiculous things I thought I was done with. Given a length of time I found myself swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. You give me a tiny notion of something and I will hold onto it until it becomes a damned diamond! And so I did, in my head, and I turned a kernel of something into an all encompassing emotional roller coaster. This is me, folks.
At least that is my default mode. I’m working towards getting back to that space where thoughts can come and go as they please and I don’t feel the urge to engage them. Such is life. I think by allowing myself so much time in my head like I did, I somehow hit a big fat reset button. Before the weekend I was quite happy. I didn’t think much at all. I know how that sounds, but I think you get what I mean at this point. Ha! I just lived. I was so grateful for every moment that I had that I just accepted the present moment for what it was, myself included. But I was struggling with writing and creating anything. And now I have to wonder, can I stay creative and happy? Can I find the un-thinking space and just be while still creating? I hope so.
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