NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Work & Play

September17

I started my new job and am getting acquainted with how things work. Okay, really, today was like my first real day, but I have like a badge and stuff and that’s cool. Unfortunately, I can’t really share here what it is that I do or for whom I work, specifically. I can say that I like it so far and everyone seems friendly. I was of course a bit fearful of possible fat phobic things coming up, but needlessly so. I had wanted to document my outfits but thus far I’ve only worn older Eshakti dresses I’ve previously posted OOTDs of. So, uhh…yeah!

I had a killer and kick ass weekend! My bff Jery is starring in a local production of Pippin which just opened on Friday. Oh my glob! It, and he, was fucking fantastic! It was hilarious and engaging and entertaining and great! J played the part like he created it from within, to perfection! When he busted out this little dance solo in one number, it’s like you saw his essence and it is dance! Sorry, I get a bit carried away with this stuff. You know, when you see someone doing what they are just supposed to be doing with their life? It’s inspiring! So, yeah…J is amazeballs! The show was fabulous, acting and all. Support your local theater, if you can, folks. 🙂

Saturday was random and silly and fun, as usual. I think my boyfriend and I have found at least some sort of rhythm to our weekends. Well, not entirely. Ha-ha! He came to my place before I got up and I didn’t hear him knock…twice! But then we worked it out and hung out and had a blast. Sunday I woke up ready for adventure and with my roommate’s suggestion decided on Sauselito! I love it there! It’s right on the bay with such gorgeous view and you can walk along the water. It’s very romantic! Well, for most folks, I guess. I was overwhelmed with anxiety for some reason. The moment we got out of the car and onto the street I went from fab to frightful. It was super crowded and couples and kids everywhere. The store I was so stoked to show him didn’t have quite the same cool stuff that they used to. Even the old timey candy store didn’t entice me. I was just a mess, and I didn’t really know why. A relaxing Italian dinner was what finally calmed me down. I wish I could say I was fine the rest of the evening, but that’s not true.

Anxiety is such a beast! Just when I think I’ve got a handle on it, in knowing what triggers it and how to recognize and manage it, something hits me out of the blue. I can piece it all together after the fact, but in the moment I just feel like I can’t breathe and the sky is falling. Then my insecurities take over and I start acting all weird. *Sigh* This all lead to my feeling like a fool and not knowing why I was feeling that way. I felt like a failure. My special geek assured me he’d had a blast all day with me, but for some reason I wasn’t convinced. Anyway, it all ended up very emotional. As soon as he went home I sat in my room and bawled my eyes out for an hour. I guess I just needed to? I don’t know, it felt necessary. I had a drink and watched some shows and went to bed and felt loads better the next day.

I went in for what was supposed to be my first day of work but there was a miscommunication and they had me come back the next day instead. So, lucky me, I got to spend the day with my beloved Raven! We talked and drank and started to work on my mega femme skirt project thingy. Fun! Raven did most of the work because she actually knows what she’s doing and how to figure just about any damned thing out. I mostly played helper/model. But let me tell you, whew! It was fun! Raven ordered me around and I hopped into action! Mind you, she did this not with words but with a flick of a wrist or dart of a finger. *FansSelf*

And now I’m home after my first full day of work and I’m feeling like it was the first day of school. I’m tired and my back hurts and I have my feet up. I could literally fall asleep right now if I chose to, but then I couldn’t sleep tonight and I know better. Instead I made myself a big fat cocktail (Bombay sapphire gin, splash cranberry, splash lime, ginger ale on the rocks) and I’m going to have microwave frozen tamales from Trader Joe’s for dinner and probably go to bed early. That may sound sad or dreary to some of you, but to me? Right now? That is all I want and I am so fucking grateful to have a job!!! 😀

<3
S

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