NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

With Conviction

January16

I used to be the type of gal that would be willing to die for something, to stick my neck out and throw my hat into the ring! Since the first of the year I have been happier than I’d known I could ever be. I felt these parts of the old fiery me returning, parts that had seriously been in a coma! I think I had started to mourn myself while at the cafe. I tried to give my life meaning by creating this big burden of a project. I was lost and without a path. Not that I have a fucking path right now either, but I see that I had lost myself. I spent so much time working and fighting and struggling that I’d forgotten what it was all for. Because if it ain’t for yourself and your own heart, you’re just phoning in!

That is how I feel. I gave up on myself. I forgot what I am capable of. What I can create or lead. I forgot to find the fun inside of myself. So I searched outside, always. And just like always I get heartbroken, disappointed, fucked over, left for worse and used. My knee-jerk reaction is “Trust no one!” and hide myself away. I seem to repeat this pattern. I don’t know why it’s taken me thirty-four fucking years to get a clue, but here it is and I am grateful.

I’ve never had therapy. I’m a true DIYer, I suppose. Out of necessity, usually. I seem to almost want to learn my lessons the hard way, the hardest when I can find it! I like to dwell on shit so hard and for so long that it turns into diamonds (if only)! I fall in love with people fast and regret giving my heart away. A friend forgets something and suddenly I’m in tears and feel betrayed. I burn with rage and pout when my desires are not satisfied, but will hide behind my cold shoulder rather than actually tell them what I want/need. I will struggle for days before asking for help/love/support/etc. Even over small shit. It’s idiotic! My ego gets a light shone upon it from the outside world and suddenly I think I know it all!

I am a flawed beast! I am an animal by nature, I see it now. I can allow my circumstances to command my life or I can choose to take matters into my own hands and learn how to survive. I’ve done the surviving bit, done it to death! I’m exhausted. I’m at a breaking point. I am not yet sure why it is now that I have come to this destination, but it is where I happen to have ended up. I suppose it’s a moment of clarity, but it feels more like insanity at the moment. That I will still take a bullet for people who may or may not even remember by birthday. That I should put so much stock and hopes into such trivialities proves my cowardice. My weaknesses have never changed, only my strengths have. I grow stronger with every scar upon my heart and ever wrong done to me.

It’s like a window shade has pulled up and the storm I thought was outside all along never was and it’s a gloriously perfect day out there! Bam! Sunshine! I can see things and understand things so much better now. That I am not simply a flawed beast, but a magnificent one! One to be appreciated and never ignored. One to be loved and protected. I am the phoenix and I am the queen! I should be busting balls, breaking rules and living for me! Trust I am not sure even exists. It’s more like we just fool each other long enough to forget the pain of the previous betrayal. But whatever, it’s not important anyway. Because I can choose to live or die or fight another day. Our destiny is by our own designs if we wish it to be. If we follow our hearts and refuse to settle for less. If we love and support one another and not be total assholes.

I found myself once again ready to risk it all for a single cause. I surprised myself. I shocked myself. I forgot and lost myself in it and was blind to the rest of the world. It felt amazing! It felt like that moment where you’re not sure where you end and your “comfy bed” begins. We are human and whatever our purpose as a species may be, I am an individual with the intelligence and power to choose my own. My journey is mine, my mistakes, too. And if it is regret that I face, well, I suppose that is my cross to bear, too.

I require passion, poetry, attention, love and probably more junk I had given up on years ago. I gave up on my own spark! My own special blend of herbs and spices, yo! I mean, what the fuck?! I don’t care what size my ass is, I am amazing and I can move mountains! I can do the un-doable and make things work that just didn’t before. Except for the matter of finding it in my own life. And now I’m a wreck and what can I do? I make a new choice. I decide. I’ve come to that proverbial fork in the road. Every song seems to be written just for me. Each one equally worthy of obsessing over and singing on repeat…for days! Oh yeah, my obsessive nature is back! Yay!

I actually looked up the word Manic on dictionary.com today. Yep, c’est moi! oh le jour heureux! My feet have hit the ground and have yet decided to run or stroll or amble or, “Hey, what’s that?!” I have been shown kindnesses and trust and passion and meaning this past week and I didn’t know how to accept it. I tried to find fault in it. I tried to taint it. And I am such a fool for trying. I now know what I cam capable of. I now know how much love I have to give, so much that it hurts. And in return I get so much love and support and compassion from those I love and trust the most. I have been moved beyond words and shed more tears this week than I have in the last year! Funny how a panic attack can lead to some clarity! Ha-ha!

Thank you for touching my life and my heart. You have shown me a reflection of myself that I had forgotten existed. That I could be the fusion of fantasy and reality, that I could feel whole and worthy and believe I deserve it. Thank you for this gift. I will do my best to accept it, for the rest of my life. <3

Be Sociable, Share!
posted under DIY, inspiration
12 Comments to

“With Conviction”

  1. On January 16th, 2012 at 11:30 am Twistie Says:

    Just keep on shining, babe. You are, as you say, magnificent.

  2. On January 16th, 2012 at 1:02 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Twistie: Thanks, doll! <3

  3. On January 16th, 2012 at 12:19 pm Alena Says:

    You had a panic attack? Considering that you talked me through my first ever panic attack recently, I feel terrible to hear that! But yeah, it is a clarifying experience…it’s like seeing something for the first time that was always there.

    Yay to obssessive natures! That’s where the kernal of what matters most lies! (even if sometimes it leads down paranoid paths, not trusting people, etc. It can be managed).

    Well in case you didn’t know, I love you like a family member, meaning it doesn’t really matter whether you believe me or not! I know it for a fact.

    Keep on taking care!

  4. On January 16th, 2012 at 1:02 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Alena: Thank you darling! My most trusted confidant and BFF for life! You have been with me through thick and thin, and I, you! I have no plan to change that. I love you!

  5. On January 16th, 2012 at 7:36 pm Nicole Says:

    So glad that you’re back to a happy place and that you’ve “found yourself” again. A lot of this post resonates with me – like the stupid shit I do or question out of habit and most of it is bullshit. Why???

    Haven’t quite sorted it out but I’ll get there, this helps. Thanks!

    You’re amazing. <3 Miss you!

  6. On January 17th, 2012 at 8:56 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Nicole: Miss you, too! Like, TOO! *GiantHugs*

  7. On January 16th, 2012 at 8:57 pm Mulberry Says:

    34 years to get a clue. Imagine that. I am much older than you and I don’t think I’ve gotten my clue. Or maybe I’ve fallen over it and didn’t recognize it.
    It’s a privilege to be part of your path, even for a moment.

  8. On January 17th, 2012 at 8:55 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Mulberry: Oh hun, thank you for existing! You are amazing! I don’t think age has anything to do with anything. I do think perception is all it is. But perhaps you’re already where you’re supposed to be? Who can say?! <3

  9. On January 16th, 2012 at 10:09 pm Jery Says:

    Accepting love and goodness from others is always a little uncomfortable. However, whether you don’t feel comfortable with it, you are loved by not just those of us that have known you for so long, but by the many many people you contiually inspire. Myself included.
    And hell yeah, you can move mountains and do the un-doable. You always have. That’s what makes you so incredible. It’s not often that we take the blinders off to our own potential so even though we look in a mirror we don’t SEE ourselves. Just what we believe other people see.
    I love you to pieces and am standing on the sidelines wearing my Notblueatall sweater vest and shaking my pom poms saying “goooooooo Guuuurrrrl!!!”

  10. On January 17th, 2012 at 8:54 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Jery: Guuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrllllllll! You’ve got me all weepy and shiiiit! I love you so much! You bettah believe I have my “Jery” swag on and werkin’ it, too! <3

  11. On January 17th, 2012 at 12:41 am Lori Says:

    I think we all have those clarifying moments, just recently I have been having them sequentially, I am not angry anymore at others who I perceived as ruining my life I am angry at me for allowing others to ruin my life. I have come to the conclusion that if I feel used up and good for nothing then that is my responsibility, after all the only actions one can control are one’s own. I am responsible for how I allow myself to be treated I am responsible for how I feel and since I dislike how I feel, I and I alone am responsible for changing it. Did it freak me out to realise this? Yes and it’s been like I am going through the 5 stages of grief,grieving for what should have been, for who I should have been and deep down inside who I really am. I am currently stuck in anger but it is no longer misdirected and projected onto others, it’s all me baby!
    So I can totally relate to how you are feeling but there is one thing about feeling like you cant go any lower that few acknowleldge and that is the only way is up and that is an awesome feeling. I am retaking my life, 35 years of assorted crap and I say enough is enough, I love the new me, those who love me will deal with it those who dont are welcome to fall away. I have seen a lot of shrinking of my so called friends recently, it has been rather enlightening but I would rather have 5 good friends than 50 fair weather ones.
    So notblueatall, more power to your elbow doll, you are spectacular in your very own unique way, never let anyone take that from you or undermine that fact. Big ole mushy virtual kisses to you and all Lori xxx

  12. On January 17th, 2012 at 8:54 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Lori: Yes, the grieving! I know exactly what you mean. Woo hoo to you and me!!! Love you, lady! <3

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

 
Subscribe to my feed