Ain’t that the truth! I have said before that I feel as though I have lived many lives. One could easily dissect into decades or relationships or careers. For me there was a major shift after discovering Fat Acceptance/Liberation. I began to see the things people said to and around me as toxic (putting it nicely, ha!). I realized that the health concerns were bullshit and my mental health was never even addressed…EVER!!! (It still hasn’t been, professionally, but I’m alright.)
There were people in my life that never saw me for me. They would only ever be able to see me as a big fat body, maybe a smile and a flash of my red hair, but little else. Realizing this, I knew I had to make some tough decisions. Keep these people in my life and attempt to educate them on this new found knowledge of mine and give them the chance, set clear boundaries, or ditch ’em. I will say that many were willing to listen, for some the boundaries had to be set and respected and others? Well, they got the old heave-ho! *Waves*
Some of these people meant a lot to me. And yet, I didn’t mean enough to them for them to respect my wishes/needs/etc. Perhaps it wasn’t about what I meant to them, I can’t really know for sure. What I do know for certain is that I no longer took people at their word. I could no longer trust the verbal intentions of so many seemingly wonderful people. I had to begin to see people through their actions and nothing more. It is how I see people now. I do not see another option for me, honestly. I have been lied to, condescended and worse. I’m done with all of that! If someone wants to be in my life? Well, it takes two to tango, people.
I allowed some to stay longer than I should have. I gave more chances than I can count. Some are still getting chances they don’t deserve, but I’m stubborn and I love with my whole being. I will hurt with my whole being as well, but some people are simply harder to let go of, no matter what the original motivation for severance was. I know that if I continue to give and give that I will never get back and I will never be fulfilled by these relationships. It’s sad, but true.
We allow a lot in our lives unconsciously. We allow, to some extent, people to make remarks about us, our bodies and fashion choices, and often let them go unchecked. It is okay to have an opinion (or several), but it is another to weigh that opinion down with an air of authority and judgment. I refuse to let what other people may or may not think of me and my choices hold me back or bring me down. It is because of this that I have had to let some important relationships go.
After about the millionth time of having dinner with my blood relatives in a restaurant and spending the next several days in a deep depression I knew I couldn’t keep it up. I knew I had to let go and let be. They would never see me as the amazing woman that I am today. My dad will only ever see me as the shitty teenager that I was. So be it. Not my problem anymore, that is his cross to bare. He can’t let go of the past, specifically mine. That and the way he and his wife treat my brother disgust me to no end. I could no longer live with the burden of including them in my life. It hurts, even now, but it was necessary.
I refuse to remain silent. I refuse to be abused or taken for granted (though I know that I am by some). I allow whom I want in my life and will not settle for less than. None of us should ever have to! We can choose to live the life we want. We can create an existence of positivity and love, even if we have to do it from scratch! I don’t give a flying fuck what society at large thinks of me and my fat ass! I don’t! Why the hell should I? Why should any of us? None of their business! I won’t allow the haters to hold me back or bring me down.
So, I will continue to speak up for myself and others. I will allow the good ones, the geeks, the intellectuals and the weirdos into my life so long as I am getting and giving. I will let those I care about know that I love them completely and I hope that this will allow more love and goodness into my life, too. I will never again allow anyone to treat me as though I am anything but fabulous! Because I am and so are you! <3