I spent much of last week and this past weekend sort of hiding out at home. Part depression, part poverty and a big part still being a bit fearful of people and places and things. I went full on social on Friday with a job interview in the morning and then meeting up with two different friends, separately, later that day in Oakland. It was lovely and exhausting. I usually feel energized after social things, the extrovert that I am, but not this time and not much lately.
I’ve been sleeping a lot more. That’s kind of good, but I feel guilty over it because I’ve had insomnia since I was twelve and getting 10 hours of sleep a night just seems wrong to me…but I have been getting about 8-10 hours of sleep a night for the last several nights. Mind you, I get up a few times due to the dogs, but whatever. Guilt is such a useless emotion, if I could delete that shit from my memory banks I totes would! Ugh!
The weird thing lately that has been cropping up for me is a sense that I’ll be “found out” somehow. Like, I’m doing something wrong, just living. I don’t know where or how this began, but shit if it isn’t a big wet blanket on life right now. Again, guilt?! I feel like I’m not doing the right things or enough things but at the same time feel a strong urge to conserve everything. Maybe I’m just driving myself up the damned walls! Ha-ha!
I am going to bed earlier and trying to eat more regularly. I’d mentioned awhile back that I’d been struggling with some seriously disordered eating patterns. I can’t ever say that it’s gone or cured or fixed or dormant, only that it’s okay today. It was odd but sweet in a way to have my bff “Q” look at me quite concerned and say, “But you need to eat something, you haven’t eaten anything since this morning!” but I assured her that I was heading straight home to cook dinner (and I’d had a snack when I got to her place to begin with). 🙂
Yesterday “Q” and I went to a local thrift store together. Oh what fun! I hadn’t been to this particular one before, but when you donate they give you a 20% off coupon for your next purchase. Woot! I found a Calvin Klein dress for $10 (I didn’t know they made a size 24?! Or that I’d fit in it!!!), a lovely tea cup and saucer from Bavaria (navy with gold roses), a bracelet that is exactly the perfect length (this has never happened to me before), new pack of blank cassettes (going to make a mixtape for my boyfriend…shut up!), a tiny ship, a box with compartments inside, an infinity scarf (black and grey knit-stripe), a white scarf with gold unicorns on it (because…reasons!), a gorgeous black tie with tea roses on it and I’m sure a couple of other knick knacky things. Ha! It was so fun though. I hadn’t found so much stuff in ages! And so cheap + the 20% off!!!
I did not get the job I interviewed for on Friday. I’m guessing I also didn’t get the one I’d interviewed for last Friday, though they haven’t responded to my email inquiry. I do have an interview tomorrow, but I’m no longer able to get excited or nervous or my hopes up. I just don’t have it in me anymore. The emotional roller coaster has wrung me dry of well everything. I walk in myself and walk out the same. What does it matter?! I just need a damned job! Sure, I’d like to like or love whatever job I end up with, but at this point it’s kind of ridiculous to even consider.
Actually, let’s go back to the weird social stuff that has been weighing me down. I usually get a lot out of social stuff. I often get inspired or motivated just being with other people, especially those I already know and love. Lately though it’s been the opposite, it’s been draining and sapping and I feel a great desire to recoup in my room or even my bed after. Why is that? Where is this coming from? Ugh! I’m struggling with even staying in touch with my nearest and dearest lately and it’s starting to worry me. I actually feel like my own friends don’t want to talk to me. I feel like such a huge burden to them, even if it’s just instant messaging! I know this is ridiculous, right?! I mean, I haven’t even heard from my bf since Thursday of last week…I’m feeling isolated.
At first it was a sort of self preservation thing, kind of. Like, I can’t go out because I don’t have money, and some friends saw that as I don’t want to hang out with them anymore, which is so far from the truth it’s not even funny. I used to delight in losing time online catching up with friends all over the globe. Now I’m afraid to even say hi. I text some friends, but 99% haven’t responded…this is like days on end now. Which only confirms that peeps aren’t into me…or it’s in my head. WTF?!?! I’ve had people ask me “why are you so short with me” “what’s up with you” and things like that. I don’t feel like I’m acting any differently. I may not be as laughing and smiling as per usual, but I’m finding less things to laugh and smile about lately. I’m doing my best to get by, ya know? I need to try to just fucking survive and maintain somehow. But a lot of this social shit is so hard all of a sudden.
I’ve always had some social anxiety, but lately it’s feeling like a much heavier weight than I’m used to. Maybe I’ve been hiding out too much? Like, maybe I need to ease back into social things? One on one stuff seems to be okay, mostly. The truth is that I’m beginning to feel invisible and like I don’t matter. Yes, I know this isn’t true, per se, but I also don’t feel the natural urge that I used to to engage in conversation or smile at strangers or whatever. Damn, do I sound bat shit or what?! Ha-ha! I swear I’m okay, just trying to figure some things out. I still have the puggyman with me, so that’s nice in some ways. In others it’s not so great, like when both dogs start barking at nothing…for ten minutes solid! UGH!
Eh, this was kind of a random-ass post. Sorry ’bout that. Um, tomorrow will be better? Ha-ha! No promises.
Rad Fatty Love to you ALL!