I am still in “The Great Funk of 2012″ and I am sorry for that. Mostly to myself, but what can ya do?! It sucks. Writing was always my outlet, my release, my way of sorting through all the things that go through my mind. Only lately? I haven’t had so much on my mind. That should be a good thing. I should be happy to be without stress and worry and all…but I’m not. I’m not terribly happy. And I do worry, only about different things. I don’t have much to complain about, but I’m just unsatisfied, with a lot. I’m grateful for all that I have and for the freedoms and abilities that I have. My friends are incredible people and I often just wish I could see them more often (or at all, for some). I don’t know what is going on with me. Even when I do get a tiny kernel of an idea for a post or even a thought to write something for myself” *Poof* Gone! Bah!
It seems that just as I’d come to accept and realize my lot in life (to serve, support and inspire others), I lose my zest for it all together. This saddens me and sucks the wind out of my sails. I was so desperate to take a bite out of life and strike out on my own and…now I ain’t doin’ shit! And I know it and I’m guessing this is part of the reason why I can’t write lately. Top that off with the sudden and unwelcome visit from my old friend insomnia (have been living with it since I was 12) and I’ve just been sort of blah all of the time.
What I have been doing is trying to be more social. I know it helps me and inspires me and I get so much from it. I love to dance and so I have been going out dancing every chance I can get. Jeanette and I always have a great time together and it’s usually a friendly crowd, too. This past Saturday I danced more than I have before! It was great but the next day I was mega sore. And that’s the other bummer, my knee. All I want to do right now is go for a nice evening stroll through my neighborhood to take in the night air! Sadly, my knee has been doing all kinds of not-at-all-fun things today and that just won’t happen.
I guess I just feel like all of my good intentions, hopes, goals and aspirations are either in limbo or fell apart. I started remodeling my bathroom and now that’s stalled out. I bought a bike, but it has a flat. I had a friend whom I’d take walks with and I never hear from them now. I want to do so many things and the truth is, I don’t push hard enough. People let me down and I let that stop me. I walk away too easily from things or people and seem to cling to all the wrong things or people. I am constantly in fear of annoying the shit out of people or wearing out my welcome or pushing them away.
Quite honestly? Being on my own has been very hard for me. When left to my own devices or too much idle time? I’m no good for myself. It’s like I forget how to be me or to do the things I enjoy doing. That used to be writing and now it’s just dead air or static and it’s torture. I’m so used to expressing myself and my thoughts and emotions and to suddenly be nearly entirely unable to? It’s, um, hard. I don’t have the quality of conversations I once did. Did I forget to use part of my brain and lost it? I mean?! It feels that way a little. It feels like everything and everyone is moving and doing things and I’m not even able to be in their dimension lately.
For a moment I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted and how I was going to get it all! What happened? It all seemed so simple. Because now I just feel lost and confused and needy. What I want/need is so simple yet so far away from my grasp. I find myself confronted with my own vulnerabilities on a constant basis. I can play normal and put on a good front, but the truth is I’m quite fragile and naive. I have a head full of random and mostly useless information, which is an asset with trivia games, but little else. All I want is good conversations and laughs and somehow that is all too much to ask for.