NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Unknown Future

December13

The other night I was driving home from work and it was very cold and very dark out. I had the heater in my car cranked up and blasting at me to thaw out my inner chill. I was listing to music as usual, but you know how your mind can wander at red lights? Well, mine was wandering into the danger zone. I started to think about my impending unemployment and my debt and how hard it’s going to be again. I started to get really upset. I drove a few more blocks before hitting another red light. Only this time I looked to my right and saw a large crowd of people lining up outside of a building. And then it hit me where I was and what they were lining up for.

I was in my old neighborhood, and a block away is a National Guard building that is used in the winter months (yes we have those in CA) for folks who have no place to stay. So there I was feeling so sorry for myself and I look over and see not only a huge crowd of people who don’t have anywhere else to go to be warm or sleep, but then I see a kid around 12 years old skipping through the parking lot with such joy I burst into tears instantly. That kid was happy, even if only for that moment. Knowing that I am not at all that far removed from being in that line myself I felt fucking stupid for getting myself so worked up over what could be rather than appreciating what is, right now.
I see a great wall of anxiety and stress and worry on the horizon. I know it’s there and I know I will have to face it head on eventually, but for now I am staying positive. I am happy. I don’t know how long this happy will last, so I’m choosing to suck the marrow out of this sucker! That great wall of anxiety and stress will be there if I dwell on it or not, so why not take my time before I get to it?
I am facing everything I was just a few months ago, financially, and it is terrifying. This job was merely a temporary relief and far from a long-term solution. I did what I could with the time and money that I had, but in the end there’s only so much I could do. Friends who mean well asking about things like unemployment payments and upcoming job offers give me pause. There’s so much I don’t know yet. There’s so much out of my control But, I’m not scared yet.
I don’t think I’m in denial or anything. More, I’m just keeping it real by living in the present, as best as I can anyway. I have surprised myself enough times with my resourcefulness, resiliency and determination that I can’t simply fall into depression before anything truly bad has occurred. Everyone has such faith in me and so I must believe, too. The people in my life who care about me think I’m this sparkly diamond in the rough or something…I like that. 😉
I know I wasn’t as careful with my new income as I maybe should have been.  I tried to do what was right and important (to me). First, I paid back my roommate for my July rent and utilities that she paid when my unemployment payments hadn’t yet begun. Then I gave some money away. I know, obviously I wasn’t thinking about the future, but I had no idea this job would be so short term. I may have given away more than I should have, but I did it because those folks needed it and I know exactly how that feels. I don’t regret that part at all, actually. The part I semi regret is attempting to pay down my credit card debt.
This was not shopping spree and fun sort of debt, either. This was me trying to survive the past year and using my credit card to make ends meet. When I started to get paychecks again I threw as much as I could at that debt, but in the end it didn’t matter. With everyone around me having their credit info stolen, it was just safer for me to use my credit card than to pay with my debit and I knew I’d be able to pay it all off within the next six months. Only my job didn’t last that long and here I am, nearly maxed out on my only credit card. I don’t know what I will do, but I am sure I will think of something.
I actually requested to have my credit limit increased. They declined my request. They sent a letter saying that I have too many and too few accounts. Um…Wha?! Exactly! So, I’m pretty much screwed until I get that unemployment thing taken care of. That would be another week, if not two. And that’s just to apply, approval and payments can take a month and with the holidays? It could be two, if I’m being realistic. I don’t have two months worth of savings. I should be able to pay my rent for January without issue, but after that all is uncertain.
So much uncertainty is very nerve wracking, but I am hopeful. Actually, I’m more than that…I’m excited! New year! New opportunities! Fuck yeah! I am committed to staving off the sads and the nasties and will do everything I possibly can to keep my head up and my feet moving. I know that I am loved and cared for and will do my best to give as much if not more than I receive. I really am so grateful to have all that I do, no matter how fleeting.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL!
<3
S
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