NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Transition Position

November15

Can one sustain a life that is constantly in transition? It seems so. 😉

Transition, flux, upheaval, what have you…This has been the theme of my 2012 and there seems to be no end in sight. I have come to terms with the fact that it’s quite possible that stability may be a pipe dream, at least for now. I’m getting used to the idea and am closing in on acceptance. I simply do not have the time to sit and worry about this shit anymore. Asking the universe “Why?” has gotten me nowhere…Next!!!

I have learned many life lessons this year and I have no intention of stopping the process. Chaos may in fact be what it is I need to keep the momentum in my life and personal growth going. No matter how difficult or incomprehensible it may seem in the moment, it is necessary and I will honor this. You know you’re a writer when heartbreak, pain, depression, furious anger and mourning all point to possibilities. Ha!

This week has been particularly testing, surprising, difficult and painful. Things that seemed so true and reliable have turned out to be, well, not. What can ya do? Just gotta roll with it, baby! For the first time in at least a decade, though I can’t recall the last time at all, I was so angry and so filled with rage that I not only made myself quite sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t fucking breathe! I was at work and couldn’t blast music as I would normally want to. I tried to write out how I was feeling, but I was impotent with this rage o’ mine. It was really hard. I had no idea that was still in me, I’d given up on anger so long ago.

That was Tuesday and I was still reeling from the sucker-punch of Monday. *Sigh* Both occurrences have lead me to push on and closer to my true passions. I know now that no one and nothing can stop me. I know what it is I need to be doing with my life and it’s funny how these two incidents, while heart wrenching, opened a door I hadn’t seen before. Once it became apparent to me that all of this could actually lead to the things I want most in life, well, all of that rage and despair melted away.

I used to think that some people are just useless sacks of hate and vitriol, but I see that they do have a purpose in our lives and the world. You see, you cannot have the positive without the negative. Yin needs Yang to be, for all of us to be. You cannot have the green of spring without the rain. You cannot fully appreciate the best of times without some familiarity with the worst. And what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! Fo-sho!

I know I can survive almost anything. I have been through the worst of experiences so long ago and those very things have made me the incredible and open person I am today. I thank the universe with every breath I take and expel. And it rewards me with the love and beauty in the friends, new and old, that are in my life today. I AM A SURVIVOR! It is just who I am and such a badge of honor for me now. My journey, like a few hobbits you might know of, will never be easy, but in the end I will get to where I need to go.

<3 S

I’m a survivor (What?)
I’m not gon give up (What?)
I’m not gon stop (What?)
I’m gon work harder (What?)
I’m a survivor (What?)
I’m gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin’ (What?)

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