I used to write poetry, like all of the time…but only when I was depressed, which was all of the time. I felt that depression gave me something to write about. It fueled my writing and me and gave me something to do. I think too much as a default, so writing things out helps anyway. But just now while trying to figure out what to write about today I realized it’s been such a struggle lately because I’ve been depressed. What? I know! Funny how things can switch on you without notice like that, eh? But it’s true. What was once a constant source of inspiration has been left in the dust.
I was a very depressed person in my teens and early 20’s. Specifically, the most concentrated bit at least, when I was 19 transitioning into 20. My friend Steph could tell you all about it, poor thing, she was right there with me everyday almost, back then. We lived on Lean Cuisines and Jose Cuervo. We did a lot of stupid shit and had a great time doing it. But I would always go home in a pit of despair, she always seemed able to keep the spice of life at hand and ready for more. I was such a sad thing that I got a very regrettable tattoo. I have it to this day and while I want to cover it, part of me feels like it represents a time of my life that I shouldn’t want to forget. And I don’t think I want to forget it anymore.
Now I find that if I’m down or fully depressed, I can’t write for my wonderful readers. It’s not fair to them. It’s not giving them my truest me or the goodness that they give me back. Basically, I’ve suddenly lost my inspiration for writing. It bums me out even more, but I know this isn’t productive so I’m trying to lift myself out of this. I mean, we’re all struggling right now. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. And while I am mega-struggling financially, emotionally I need to make myself a priority. We all should do this, yo! Self-care is so vital, I say it all of the damned time. Ha-ha!
But then I was thinking the other day of doing a video series or a photo series of some sort. It was late at night and when I woke up I couldn’t remember what the subject/goal was supposed to be. Ack! I hate when you get great ideas when you’re just trying to go to sleep. I always feel like if I get up to write it down I won’t ever fall asleep and so I never do. Oh well. I guess if it’s that awesome it’ll come back to me. Fingers crossed!
What would you like to read/watch/see? I feel like I’m in this huge transitional phase and can do whatever the hell I want with my life and this blog and so why not dive in…but the endless possibilities are stifling. I need your input. You have all been so there for me, through all of my crazy-cafe years and beyond. I will write or record or photograph whatever you wish, my lovelies. You mean so much to me, I just need a little push in the right direction. I’m very open to guest posts, too! Just hit me up! My email: email@example.com
And here is me today, raw and natural and without any alteration, fresh from the shower, the real and true me:
Thank you all for being your authentic selves with me, too. You mean the world to me. Thank you!