NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

TMI Tuesday: I Have A Problem (TW)

April5

Trigger Warning for discussion of my own personal food issues. If you know me or would simply rather not know about my food issues, I ask that you please come back on another day. Thank you so much! =0)

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So, y’all pretty much know by now that I own and run my own cafe. It’s a one-woman show. No big. The thing is, I’ve been struggling lately with eating during the day at all. I will eat something for breakfast, usually without issue. But then it’s suddenly 11:30 or 12 or OH NOES!!! It’s 1:30! And I haven’t had lunch and just thinking about it makes me so uninterested. Like, blegh.

I am wondering if it’s just stress (this current food issue has come and gone a few times since opening the cafe), but I can’t get rid of the stress of owning my own business. I’ve tried. I’ve also tried pretending that everything is okay. That lasted two weeks. I get home and I am hungry and want dinner and so my husband and I usually eat dinner at 6pm. Early for most people, but perfect for us. We get up at 6. I’ve never had an eating disorder (that I know of) and have generally had a healthy relationship with food. It bothers me though. Part of me thinks it’s just that I’m bored with the food I have here and so I’d for some reason rather go without. I usually end up eating a sesame seed bagel with whipped cream cheese and some carrot sticks because it’s reliably bland, not too acidic, easy to prepare and basically free because of my profit margin on those things. I get a general feeling of satiety, but not satisfaction, ya know?

I was doing so well with my intuitive eating and I don’t know, life happened?

Monday afternoon I was suddenly struck by a serious hunger pang (hadn’t had on of those in awhile) and looked at the time and it was 2pm. I actually considered not eating anything. Ugh! WTF?! This isn’t me! Why am I doing this to myself? Is it as simple as not being interested in what is on offer? Actually, nothing I eat excites me anymore. Why? I love food! I love cooking and baking and watching people on t.v. talk about or make it. So, what gives?

It has absolutely nothing to do with my weight or size or shape. Please understand/respect that. Also, no chance of pregnancy, so please do not ask. And for those about to suggest bringing my own lunch, I have no personal income, nor a microwave. This leaves my lunch options minimal at best. Maybe I’m still depressed. That’s actually more likely than I will ever let on, come to think of it. Ugh!

Do you have any suggestions? Do you have a similar food issue? Feel free to share anything TMI in comments. Thanks!

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22 Comments to

“TMI Tuesday: I Have A Problem (TW)”

  1. On April 5th, 2011 at 5:57 am purplekeychain Says:

    Depressed? YES! Your posts from the last few weeks have mentioned many, many symptoms of depression. Loss of appetite is absolutely one of them. I’m no doctor and not trying to diagnose you AT ALL, and I totally respect your own knowledge about your own body and mental health. But I hope you have the chance to see someone/talk to someone about how you’ve been feeling recently.

    I’ve been going through my own bout of depression for the last several months, too, and it has affected everything in my life. I’m completely disinterested in work, in socializing, in sex or any kind of intimacy with my husband, in maintaining my house, in cooking and, especially, in eating. I’ll look up and it will be 6pm, time to go home, and I won’t have eaten a thing for the entire day — and I don’t even care. As someone who has suffered with depression my entire life, it’s so bizarre that it only hit me about a week ago that THAT is what this is — that there isn’t anything wrong with ME and I don’t actually hate myself, my fat body, my life, my job, or anything else — I’m just going through another bout of depression, and it sucks ass.

    I love food! Like you, I love cooking, eating, and watching other people cook. I love getting inspired by food, or other people prepare food. So when I find that I’m not even interested in THAT, it makes me even more upset. If you think your disinterest in food recently is a lack of inspiration (and money!), how about trying to jazz up some of your more standard fares with something new? I don’t mean go to a specialty food store and buy it out, but maybe a trip to the dollar store for some seasonings that you don’t normally use, like curry or herbs de provence or sesame oil or balsamic vinegar or chili powder? The quality might not be there, but the taste is close. If you can spend a bit more, maybe Trader Joe’s for dried or fresh herbs. Adding a new flavor to a boring dish does wonders (which I’m sure you know, since you also love to cook!).

    I’ve got tons of low-budget recipes (okay, not actually written down, but I can write them for you) for foods that can eaten cold or at room temp that you can make enough of on a weekend and take to work each day during the week, so please let me know if you want them and I’ll be happy to share.

    🙂

  2. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:09 am Not Blue at All Says:

    You’re such a sweetheart! Thank you! I am unable to talk to a professional about my woes, but I do know that it has almost everything to do with the stresses of my business and not much to do with other life stuff. This will sound odd, but I think I’ve been treating my depression with sex. Hey, I’ll take that over drugs any day, but in a way I am wondering if this is why the depression symptoms have come and gone so much, depending on my sex drive. Hmmm…herbs de provence!!! Just seeing those words? I’m hungry! Ha-ha! Fab suggestion. Thank you! <3

  3. On April 5th, 2011 at 7:14 am Shaunta Says:

    I have something similar sometimes. It almost always has to do with being gluten free. I’m hungry, but everything that looks good, I can’t eat. And I can’t stand the idea of eating one more deconstructed sandwich (all the filling, none of the bread.) This happens when I’ve gone too long without grocery shopping and don’t have as many choices as I’d like. Grocery shopping helps me. I’m not sure if it’s an option for you.

  4. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:10 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Grocery shopping used to be great for me, for inspiration. But because I do it almost everyday for my cafe it’s lost all of its romance. I try to go to a new store from time to time to change it up, but money is always the issue in this case. Thank you so much for the suggestion. =0)

  5. On April 5th, 2011 at 8:04 am jery Says:

    What do you normally have for breakfast? If it’s a pretty substantial meal, then it’s okay if you aren’t hungry by “lunchtime.” I have found that if I miss breakfast, but have coffee, that gets me by until lunch. I don’t know why, or how, but it’s an appetite suppressant for me. I know you drink a coffee when you get to the cafe, right? Maybe it’s having the same effect on you. I’m not ususally hungry until 3 when I am at work. It’s easy to lose track of time when you’re online and/or working.
    How’s your appetite during dinner? If you aren’t hungry at that time, that’s when I would really begin to check things out.
    Sadly, I don’t know have any answers for you, but I am always ready to help.

  6. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:11 am Not Blue at All Says:

    You’re right about the breakfast + coffee = full! And because I do soy I feel like I get more protein this way. My dinner apetite is fine, so perhaps you’re right. I have been having larger coffee drinks in the morning lately. I used to just have a tiny cappy, now I’m all about my skyscraping mochas! Love ya! <3

  7. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:47 am Carol Gwenn Says:

    I would put this under “this too, shall pass”. Your body will tell you when it’s ready to go back to normal, so don’t stress even more by overanalyzing.

    Years ago, I had a small business, too: baking custom-flavored cheesecakes for several restaurants. The most popular was the chocolate
    (my personal favorite!) After a couple of months, I began to get slightly queasy at the scent of the chocolate baking. By the time I closed the business down & relocated to another state, just the SIGHT of chocolate turned my eyes back in my head. It took a good couple of YEARS before I could even think of nibbling at chocolate in any form. One day, the “chocolate light” went on in my head & nothing would do but a hunk of dark bittersweet. The body had simply gone through a phase, as yours is most likely doing. When it’s ready to get back to normal, it’ll let you know. The toughest part is simply sitting back and LETTING YOUR BODY DICTATE ITS NEEDS. Don’t over-think, just let it be.

  8. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:12 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you. You’re right, I over think everything! Ugh! But now I want to try your cheesecake! I love the stuff! But I know what you mean, I am so sick of paninis that making them makes my eyes roll and roll. Ha! <3

  9. On April 5th, 2011 at 9:47 am Calliope Says:

    I’m new to your blog (found it through the Fat Nutritionist’s links), but I wanted to comment because of my experience with food issues. TMI warning ahead: I have cycled through compulsive eating & restriction & non-purging bulimia throughout my history (ED-nos they call it), and am at this point free of most symptoms, but still struggle with intuitive eating. My feeling is, my poor intuition got me into this mess, so how is it going to help now? But I digress.
    Anyway, whenever things like what you have described happen to me, I go back to a meal plan. Plan out your 3 meals plus snack every day, and stick to it. It is really hard when you feel you are not hungry, but when you skip meals you become ravenous or your digestive system kind of hibernates, for lack of a better term. Stick with things that don’t upset your stomach and are palatable.
    I think it’s definitely stress causing your issues, but that shouldn’t mean giving up your livelihood. I meditate to deal with stress, but it happens, and it certainly can effect your digestion and your immune system. Do whatever helps you, whether it’s music or going for a walk or daydreaming.
    Don’t know if this helped, but stay strong and don’t give up!

  10. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:14 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you so much and welcome to my blog! FYI: I’ve been dubbed the queen of TMI, so you never have to worry about over sharing here. =0)

  11. On April 5th, 2011 at 10:38 am Erika Says:

    It really could be a disinterest in the food available. I worked at a public school, and the constant similar dishes offered to me made me just want to wait until I got home to eat anything (which I did) sometimes I brought bits of fruit, and that was it. Eating at work was just something I didn’t do. Stress doesn’t help that. I mean even if I wanted something there, I barely had time to eat it anyway. And if you have that much to do its just like…pff why bother??!
    I’m pretty much finding life is anti-intuitive eating. I still eat meals standing up, running around (two small kiddos), I snack sometimes on higher energy foods just to keep…well…running around I guess. Right now, any sort of intuitive eating HAES dictates just isn’t possible. So, maybe when life settles down I guess. 🙂

  12. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:14 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Oh man, yes! All I want is fruit lately. I think part of that is the time of year and not having had much fruit the last couple of months. Thank you!

  13. On April 5th, 2011 at 10:56 am Alexie Says:

    Maybe you’re just bored. Maybe it’s as simple as that.

    You’re a food person and you’re feeding yourself bland food. That’s not a criticism. It’s your reality. But it’s also your reality that you’re a foodie who’s eating bland.

    I understand you’re not in a position to whip up some gourmet lunch for yourself, but could you plan some little food excitement for maybe one day in the week?

  14. On April 5th, 2011 at 11:15 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Bland food is comfort food for me. Growing up that’s all we had and I do find that it is what I crave when I’m not feeling my best. But you’re right, being so bored with what’s on offer doesn’t help my apetite at all. Thanks so much!

  15. On April 5th, 2011 at 12:17 pm curvygurl Says:

    I’ve had this happen before, usually because I’m just not interested in food. It can be frustrating, but just be patient and kind to yourself. Trust your body and it will get you right back on track. 🙂

  16. On April 5th, 2011 at 12:24 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    You’re right, thank you for the support! <3

  17. On April 5th, 2011 at 4:14 pm Ashley Says:

    I think you are being too hard on yourself. I have had this happen too and for me, it is being bored with food. I will go to the grocery store and seriously just not want to buy anything because nothing seems good to buy. I get tired of eating the same things every day, so I try to switch things up a bit and that usually helps.

  18. On April 5th, 2011 at 4:18 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Thank you. <3

  19. On April 5th, 2011 at 7:11 pm Kate Says:

    I’m bored with food now too.

    My husband and I have really been trying lots of different foods and recipes lately because we both were pretty picky eaters, and the stuff I read on Fat Nutritionist and other similar sites really convinced me we had to grow our menu.

    I’m so glad we did it, I’m so thrilled we have found tons of new foods to enjoy and that we continue to be open to new and different foods, but right now it all just bores me to death. If it were up to me, we’d have a tomato soup and maybe some bread, and fruit and that’s pretty much it. My husband would go insane, but that would just be a fringe benefit. 🙂

    I’m hoping to snap out of it soon.

  20. On April 6th, 2011 at 8:16 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Yes! My husband and I used to cook and try new recipes all of the time. We simply cannot afford to experiment like that anymore. That may be a big part of it, though I’m not sure. Glad that you guys are trying new things. It is so fun!

  21. On April 8th, 2011 at 9:28 pm Kath Says:

    Depression, anxiety and stress all rob me of my appetite. To the point that it can spiral me back into severely disordered behaviour again if I don’t pay attention to it and look after myself when it happens.

    One of the things I’ve found works for me is to schedule a special occasion for somewhere in the not too distant future, that involves food I love. I have several friends that are all foodies, and we have certain things we love to eat together. If I make a date with at least one of them, and we talk about looking forward to the event and the food we eat, it tends to distract me from the stress/anxiety/depression enough to stop the mind-spiralling, and gives me something to look forward to. And then I eat something that I know I really love when the event happens, which triggers good food feelings, and most of all, I spend time with someone who makes me feel good about myself.

  22. On April 9th, 2011 at 8:49 am Not Blue at All Says:

    That is a fantastic idea, Kath! Thank you so much! Wow, so exciting! A food occasion! Woo!

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