If you know me and/or would rather not know about my epic awkwardness about dating, then please come back tomorrow for your regularly (sort of) scheduled fat stuffs. *Hugs*
I know I seem so confident and generally speaking I am. I know who I am and what I want out of life and am working towards having all that I need. I’m a sassy gal, too, and I know that can come across as, well, flirtatious. I do try my best to be friendly, always. Yet, if someone crosses a line with me I make no bones about setting them straight or even kicking a few asses (so far only figuratively).
In my early boy-crazy teens I had no serious problem asking a boy out and not taking it too personally if they rejected my advances. After years in a horrible abusive relationship I lost all of my confidence and my identity, too. I had to start from scratch when I finally escaped and started all over again at age 19. I had zero self esteem and was a horribly depressed girl (I now know that I was suffering from PTSD).
After being in a relationship for fourteen years and suddenly finding myself not only single, but also confident and sort of care-free, I thought I would be able to navigate any situation with ease and grace. Ha-ha! I am fucking hilarious!!! While dating, thus far, has been quite fun, I’ve mostly learned more about myself than anything else.
I’m a grown-ass woman now, can you believe it?! Ha! I sometimes can’t. I actually often forget just how much of an “adult” I am. It’s frustrating and disappointing but occasionally awesome…Like no curfews! 😉 I know that it’s okay for me to make the first move, though I’ve yet to figure out how exactly. I know it’s perfectly acceptable for me to ask a guy out if I feel the desire. I haven’t done that just yet, but I’ve only been on a few dates anyway.
What I never expected was to feel and act so very awkward! Like, 12 year old girl, awkward! Like, geek-girl blushing and looking at my feet sort of awkward! Yikes! This is a very recent development, though. I think it says a lot about whom I was with when it became apparent that I would be playing the role of awkward girl.
You see, I know how to handle an aggressive guy. I can put a douche bag in his place at fifty paces. I can turn down an invitation from a sweetie without hurting his feelings. I can take on quite a lot, actually. But what I haven’t figured out or even expected…A guy I really like being super polite and respectful! What?! I know! It’s ridiculous. Somehow I have no base to work from in this scenario. I feel completely out of my depth on this one.
Luckily, the guy in question is lovely and likes me, too. We’re both so shy around each other and it’s odd because y’all know that is so not like me. Ha! It just shows that there is still so much more to learn about myself, and obviously there’s time to get to know this fella. 😉 It does make me feel a bit young a naive in some ways. Another surprise! Ha-ha!
In the end it’s best, I feel, to have a sense of humor about it all. If you can laugh at your own awkwardness, as I have been doing quite a lot of lately, I think it’ll all be okay. Admitting, in the moment, that you feel awkward? Actually works! Ha-ha! I think it’s good and healthy, actually. It feels a lot like really putting myself out there, but nothing bad has come of it so I shall stay the course.
In some ways I know I “wore the pants” in my last relationship (gawd how I hate that phrase, though). In other ways I know I was very meek about certain things. It’s interesting to be able to look back and see those sides of myself now. I know I have a strong personality and I never want to trample on anyone. What I want is equality, always. But I also know exactly when I want and possibly need to be more submissive in my life. So, how to navigate or express this? Especially with someone new?
I always say the good things happen outside of your comfort zone. I think I may be right on this. It certainly keeps life exciting! I’m enjoying the experience and learning so much. I shall push ahead and carry on and do my best to stay true to my heart. What else can I do? 😉
Would you like me to talk about a specific TMI Topic? Hit me up! And I’d love to bring back the much beloved Tank Top Tuesday posts…
I am always looking for submissions from anyone who wants to exercise their right to Bare Arms for future Tank Top Tuesday posts! Email your pics here: firstname.lastname@example.org,please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on bare arms or other fatty philosophies. It does not have to be in a tank top, so long as your arms are bare. Have fun with it! And thank you to all who have submitted and continue to do so. These posts make my week! They are so fun and empowering, too! So keep ‘em comin’ and keep baring those arms!