Um…so, I’ve been struggling.
Last week was pretty much awful and terrible and I fell into a dark pit for a bit. I am using past tense, but the truth is that I’m not in the clear yet and really only starting to build myself up again. I had no idea the holidays would be so tough for me and so I was nowhere near prepared for it.
I know I can’t be the only one struggling.
I just feel sort of lost and confused and broken inside. There’s no one specific source, but more of a bunch of things that all sort of came together at once. There’s no fix. There’s no answer. I just gotta get through it.
I’m fearful of falling back into old, bad habits. I’m relying on self care to keep me going. I’m learning to be vulnerable and to sit with my vulnerability instead of cursing myself for having feelings. Obviously, that never helps, so, done with that.
Set adrift in my own emotions and fighting my own demons, I’m faced with little more than myself, full on. That’s okay, though, I’ve been here before. I guess that is what makes this so much harder. I feel as though I’m starting over from scratch again and again. I question myself constantly, which is where things take a bad turn. I know better, but I’ve lost trust. Everything feels fake.
I have stopped writing, this post alone was an immense struggle. All of my creativity has evaporated. This has left me sad and confused. I’ve been hit with so many disappointments that the weight of everything feels so much worse. Part of me wishes I could go into detail, truth is I can’t talk about some of it at all (non-disclosure agreement and all) and some is a source of shame, though I wish it wasn’t.
I will keep on keepin’ on, it’s what I must do. I will survive and probably write some big happy thing here, eventually. Right now that seems so far away, but I’ve not lost all hope. As tough as things are and will get, I know in the end it will all work out Or, at least, that is what I keep telling myself and those who love me say to me.
If you’re also struggling or just feel a need to connect, reach out!
Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Hit up this blog’s Facebook Page where I post more stuff and share lots of pics, articles and other fat blogs.
Don’t give up hope. You’re worth so much more than that. We all are.
Music has been helping me quite a bit. I try to motivate myself with small things. I indulge in teeny tiny pity parties when I must. I went to the library today. I bought a bunch of produce and while the task of washing and prepping/chopping it all was daunting, I used music to get through it and ended up reorganizing my freezer (it was very needed). I have wanted to bake for some time and I plan on doing a bit of that tomorrow, but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t get to it.
I think that is all that’s really going on with me, that everything feels so much bigger than it is. A small let down feels so severe. Miss-communication is heartbreaking. I will get through it, though. You will, too. 🙂