Yesterday I had my friend Lilia over for some quality crafting time. It was so necessary! It is therapeutic, I’m convinced of it! We had a great time and got to chat and catch up with each other. So fun! Then my phone rang and I instantly knew it was the job I had been waiting to hear back from. It was bad news. They are no longer going to hire for that position. I was their number two choice, but the team really liked me. WTF?! I wish they hadn’t told me I was their second choice. They didn’t explain why they weren’t going to fill the position after all only that the request had been denied or canceled or something.
When I hung up the phone Lilia already knew and tried as I might to hold back the tears, you know I couldn’t. They came and I cried for a bit but with all of the beautiful colors and glitter laid out on the table in front of me it was hard to stay in that bad place in my head for long. Good company when you get bad news is actually very helpful and nice. Thank you Lilia! <3
What were we crafting? Well, I pained these flat wood decorative frame things in bright metallic colors. I also slapped on a base coat for this neato round box I got at the thrift store last week, it has little shelves inside of it. When B came over to hang out the other night he suggested I paint it like a log, and so I shall! Woo! Lilia was painting all kinds of things! A box and a fox and some rocks…no lie!
Then she made me a special rock after seeing my room and hearing the bad news from that phone call. It is perfect and lovely and she wrote a word on the back which she said she hopes brings that into my life: Abundance! The first thing I said when I saw the word was, “I love how abundance has dance in it!” We both smiled and giggled and were covered in many colors of paint. It was just what I needed!
When she left I cleaned up a bit and threw my wash in the dryer and puttered around a little. Then the reality of this latest job rejection set in and it was after 5 pm and so I had a cider (hard apple cider for those who don’t know, it’s about the same alcohol level as beer but is crisp and refreshing, not too sweet). Then I had another. Then dinner, which consisted of two frozen chicken tamales from Trader Joe’s (they are delicious and really cheap) and some sugar snap peas I had hanging out in the fridge. Then more cider. I got drunk and watched High Fidelity and thought long and hard about my current situation.
And that’s the tough part, ya know? Because my life isn’t so horrible right now. It’s just having to carry the burden of rejection after rejection, week after week…it’s too much! I wish I could just apply to all the jobs I qualify for or want and then a month later find out what one I got. Ha-ha! Life is never so simple or kind. I am so grateful and fortunate to have all that I do and the people in my life. It’s just fucking hard to not be working, to not know what tomorrow will bring or how I’ll make my unemployment payments stretch another month.
I’m getting better at asking for what I want/need, but it isn’t any easier. I think I’m just getting tougher on myself about it and so I push and push until it has to come out. At this point though, I just have to. If I push people away, I hope they understand it’s not personal, it’s just me trying to protect myself or not being able to deal at a particular moment. I do wish I would get invited to hang with peeps more, though. I can’t really go out anymore, no money, but I love nothing more than shooting the shit or watching a movie with good company, ya know? Oh well.
So, I am not going out and doing what I had told myself I would today, but I just don’t have the energy. Part of self care is knowing when you can’t do stuff. It’s knowing when you shouldn’t push yourself too hard. I’m not hungover or anything, just, tender? I dunno. I am not sure I can be out in public or the world today. One wrong word or look and I might crumple. But I’ll be okay. Tomorrow is another day and I will be here still breathing and standing or whatever. Keep on keepin’ on!