NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

The Adventures of Awkward Girl!

April18

Where your head is at absolutely affects how you talk about things like yourself and your passions. Case in point, whilst on a date with a “special geek” I actually heard myself say, “You know, all that silly activism stuff that I do.” What? I know! This is what I love, this is my passion, why would I minimize it like that? Well, the truth is, I was playing the role of Awkward Girl (sidekick to Anxiety Girl) and felt so weird, suddenly, talking about it. Why? The geek in question was genuinely curious about my “Love Your Muffin top” bumper sticker and I was suddenly overcome with self consciousness and just…Blergh!

I have had past dates become very impressed with me when talking about my activism. I do tend to get a bit carried away and chatter on for too long, but no one’s complained thus far. I guess, this most recent flub, I realized that I’d probably talked about all that stuff early on (specifically date #2) and felt he was already impressed with me enough so why push it or wear it out. At the same time, I disappointed myself by being so flippant about something that means so much to me.

I’m not usually quite so awkward on dates or with dudes in general, but this “special geek” really is that special to me. I both want to impress him and feel silly trying to. Ha-ha! The great thing is that I know he feels the same way about me. So we’re kind of this ridiculously awkward pair of people just flying through life, fidgeting and blushing and staring at our shoes. *Sigh* I’m certain we’re quite a sight! Ha-ha!

All of that aside, I go back and forth between doing a great job of and enjoying talking about myself and not. I’ve been on some job interviews lately and generally do a kick ass job of talking myself up, on dates, too. But I guess when it comes down to something that matters more to me than just a j-o-b or a b-o-y, when I realize that my heart actually is on the line, I waffle. Why?

I feel so confident and care-free mostly, so these “moments of great importance” (MOGI?) throw me for a loop. I want to get beyond this awkwardness. I want to be able to give just as much when it matters as when it doesn’t. It seems a bit odd, but I think it has a lot to do with knowing where I stand with the other person/company. If I don’t know, then I just don’t know and have no footing. If I had some idea perhaps I could do a better job of presenting myself as the Bad Ass that I truly know that I am.

The thing is, I also forget how much of a Bad Ass I am and can be. I forget all  that I have accomplished and overcome in my life. Sure, some things can never really be forgotten, but in a day to day sort of way you just sort of choose not to think about them either. Everyone I have met lately, both in dating and interviewing for jobs, have been unbelievably impressed with the fact that I owned and operated my own cafe. I’m always like, “Really? It’s not a big deal.” but they think it is and I can get excited about it briefly when seeing their excitement about it. Life is hilarious that way.

So I am choosing to be more mindful of those MOGI’s and when I feel the need to fluff off or minimize myself or my accomplishments I will push ahead and talk about myself like the other person is waiting on baited breath for the words to come out of my mouth! I will fake it until I can make it past this Awkward Girl business! Ha-ha! (And perhaps I’m in good company?)  Because I always want to kick myself afterwards and that just isn’t a good feeling. Done with that! Woo!

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