NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Talking With Friends About Sex

December20

I was emailing a friend back and forth the other day. We’ve never met in person, but she’s been such a sweetheart to me, time and again! We have so much in common and she’s just super rad. But I’m not posting here to just sing her praises (insert fat lady operatic gusto here). I marveled at the fact that she’s like the only person I can talk to about anything! What I mean/meant by that is the simple fact that she and I can talk about sex, quite explicitly, without concern of judgment or “Ew!” type of remarks. Just frank talk. I love it! It had been ages since having a confidant like that. Sure, I could talk to my close friends, but in the end, they’ll look at me and my husband and try super hard not to picture us naked, right?! Ha-ha! Nothing wrong with that, but also, I’m married and have been with my husband over a dozen years and sometimes forget to do more than, “Hey, wanna do it?” *shakes head*

For some terrible reason, our society doesn’t allow for these types of frank discussions in the open. Even amongst our closest of lady friends (like in all rom-coms we must all have a small squadron of lady friends, no?) it can be somewhat uncomfortable to ask questions about vaginal health, sex tips and such. Ya know? I can really only think of one gal-pal of mine who I could most definitely speak at length about such matters, but she’s going through a rough time and I simply don’t want to bother her with this type of thing. I could be wrong, though.

Some of you may have a mom or aunt or sister to confide and ask questions, but I do not. I’ve never really had a strong female figure in my life besides my grandma and she passed in 2003. And while I feel I can speak frankly with my great-aunt, I’m not comfortable talking sex stuff with an 88 year old woman. Sorry, some things do require some more modern context. Also, it helps to have a fat friend to talk to about this stuff. No worries of body judgment. In fact, she could offer tips in this realm if I had a need/question.

I hate that sex talk and genital mentions in general seem so fucking taboo! It’s ridiculous because we all live with it in some way shape or form. If anything, we should be able to discuss these most common of things because we all have them! Yet the reality is that no, we cannot just talk openly about these things. The mere mention of a yeast infection (insert horror movie blood-curdling scream here) would leave most people heading for the door. And to me? That’s some bullshit right there!

I may have grown up in some sort of strange sexual vortex, but I got some decent sex education. Ah, back when AIDS was talked about in every classroom (y’all remember the Magic Johnson & Arsenio Hall video?). My BFF in 8th grade and I would go to Planned Parenthood and get like 100 condoms for free and make things out of them. Talk about sexual freedom?! We were virgins far more educated about sex than possibly any generation before us. What a great time! *sigh* And now kids are lucky enough to even find the facts online let alone in some abstinence program at school! Ugh!

I guess my point is that it is important to have someone to talk to about this stuff and to not feel weird about it in general. That doesn’t happen overnight, but I thank the stars that Planned Parenthood was there for me when I truly needed it (and not just for free crafting supplies). And yes, you can always call one of their locations and talk to someone there. But if that’s not right for you either, well, I’m offering up my inbox as an open line of communication for anyone who would like to talk or ask without judgment. Hit me up: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Who do you talk to about these things? What would make talking about sexual health easier?
Do you have fat-sex questions? Let me know!

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posted under fat, Sex
12 Comments to

“Talking With Friends About Sex”

  1. On December 20th, 2010 at 4:52 pm Twistie Says:

    I have a lovely friend who is much the same size, age, and shape as me. We have much different experiences, what with me being a stodgy old married straight lady whose love life has been pretty vanilla and she’s a single bi baby dom with polyamorous leanings, but we can talk about nearly anything about sex/sexy bits/sexuality, etc.

    Pity she’s on the opposite side of the country. But we talk often, email even more often, and have gotten together a couple times to cause mayhem and consternation in the universe. That’s the best of all. She so rocks.

  2. On December 20th, 2010 at 7:07 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    That is so friggin’ rad! Thank you for sharing that. I love stories about great friends!

  3. On December 20th, 2010 at 6:03 pm Mrs. Sprat Says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now but I haven’t worked up the nerve to comment. I’m a grad student in Human Sexuality studies and I just started an FA blog that focuses on fat sex. I agree totally that it is ridiculous that there are so few ways to have serious discussions about sex. Silence allows myths and misinformation to grow and it doesn’t have to be that way. Especially if you are fat or older or in some other way not “perfect” then you have even less of a right to talk about sex because it implies that you have sex. It is really sad. I am hoping to do some work on fat sex while getting my degree and try to help open the dialog about sex and fat sex especially. Meanwhile, just keep talking. And thank you so much for your blog, it has done wonders for me!

    ~Mrs. Sprat

  4. On December 20th, 2010 at 7:07 pm Not Blue at All Says:

    Wow, thank you! And hey, if you would like, I would love it if you guest blogged here. And please let me know how things are going with school and stuff. I like living vicariously through scholars, I guess. Ha! Thanks again, you rock!

  5. On December 21st, 2010 at 12:01 am thepowerofmyth Says:

    So I wanted to write a longer comment but can I just say I have a question I have tired googling for fat sex positions and man there isn’t that much info out there but basically yeah I was wondering if anyone knew of good positions to do that would be easy on a fat body. I feel like someone needs to either make or point me in the direction of a kama sutra sex position book for fat people!

    Also my bf tried to pick me up and have sex standing up leaned against a wall but I wouldn’t let him cause A) I wasn’t sure if he could pick me up B) I wasn’t sure if that was safe for his poor back I mean I am like 5’9 300lbs does anyone have any experience with this are guys really able to do this? Even if they don’t have hardly any upper body strength I mean he has more strength in his legs than upper body I dont know I am just worried about hurting him

  6. On December 21st, 2010 at 11:28 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Yes! Great point! While I do think that each fat body is different and unique in it’s abilities and flexibility, I think that a book or web site on the subject is a fantastic idea! And then there is the issue of the partner. You see, I have an average sized partner, but I weigh around 325lbs. There are certain positions we just can’t manage. And I don’t have much experience with a fat partner. Perhaps a collective experiences blog of fat sex? Hmmm…got my gears a-turnin’! Thanks! One thing I do know, you can’t squish someone! Bodies in general are very strong and can handle being sit upon or laid upon without worry. Lifting? That’s another story. I would say that it’d be worth a try if you’re both considering ergonomics. I only say this because, well, you know, if you don’t lift something the proper way you can injure yourself, even if it’s only ten lbs. I have never attempted this position (though I have fantasized about it). Just like I can get on top, but I prefer not to. We all have our preferences. I say if you are comfortable with your partner, try as much as you can! But stay tuned, I may just start posting more on the subject. Thank you!!!

  7. On December 21st, 2010 at 3:40 am Kath Says:

    Oh I hear you! And I’m a SINGLE woman, with nobody I can really talk comfortably with. I feel like most of my friends are either horrified of talking about sex, or about talking about sex with me, a fat woman, or they just don’t think of me as a sexual being at all, you know?

    I’d LOVE to read a post from Mrs Sprat! You can guest post for me too if you like!

  8. On December 21st, 2010 at 11:30 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Oh no! But I understand. And I do think that people are shocked when they hear things about sex from a fat body! It’s bullshit, but it’s sadly how it is. Perhaps this is why most of my friends would rather not discuss it. Hmmm…but hey, Kath, feel free to email me all of your most sordid details! Ha-ha! I actually love talking about sex, even if I’m not having it! So hit me up if you care to talk about it. But hopefully we’ll get to discussing it here more often as well. Thanks!
    And yes, hoping she’s into posting here, too. =0)

  9. On December 21st, 2010 at 11:43 am Twistie Says:

    A guest post from Mrs. Sprat sounds fabulous! In the meantime, I know that Nudiemuse has done some really fun and informative posts on fat sex. She even has a page specifically for asking her sexytimes questions at http://nudemuse.org/ask.html

  10. On December 21st, 2010 at 11:45 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Awesome! I’ll link in today’s TMI post! Thanks!

  11. On December 22nd, 2010 at 1:31 am Kath Says:

    If I ever have any sordid details again my dear, you will be the first I email! LOL!

  12. On December 22nd, 2010 at 8:27 am Not Blue at All Says:

    Oh! Yay! And you totally will have things to share, Kath, I can just feel it!

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