Things look different in the dark. As a kid, the dark is scary and full of monsters. Then your parent/s come in and turn the light on to show you that everything is okay. And it is. But once that light goes off again, the room refills itself with toothy-clown-evil! Things just appear more sinister in the dark. As though the world really is out to get you. The more time you spend in the dark the more life seems full of scary and evil things.
I went for a walk last night after a guilty pleasure sort of meal. I was over full, but hadn’t realized it until I started my walk. It was around 8pm and quite dark out. I glimpsed a dark mass laying beside a tree in a neighbor’s yard. It startled me, but mostly because in that quick glimpse I had already believed it was the carcass of a crow. We have so many crows around here. As I walked passed it, I didn’t want to look again but I did anyway, I noticed that it was just black plastic that would normally have dirt over it but had been torn up at the corner. This silly misjudgment made my heart jump!
I found it odd that I would jump to such a morbid conclusion. Then I realized that I hadn’t been fearful walking alone at night. I didn’t even bring my pepper spray with me, didn’t give it a thought. I didn’t walk very far as my knee was already hurting, but the night was so sweet and I wanted to enjoy what I could of it. It was unusually warm, but the weather here has been weird. It can go from warm and sunny to cold and windy in a flash. I had my hoodie on, but quickly wanted to take it off, so I did. I stared up at the moon and enjoyed its near fullness as the clouds payed peek-a-boo with it and me.
I realized that I hadn’t had a moment like this in a long time. I hadn’t indulged in just being and doing what my heart desired in this way in years. I had always let my fears hold me back. Even when I’d wanted to go for a walk at night, I wouldn’t. I would stay inside and wish the world wasn’t full of the evils constantly lurking within every shadow. Every buzzing streetlight would be a reminder of the ills of the world and prove that my fears were healthy (even when they weren’t). But I chose to live that way. I chose to stay in and hide behind my fears. When the sun came out the next day and everything was as it should be again, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
Now I see that my perception was influenced by my fears. I see and experienced the greatness that is simply living in the moment and not second guessing myself. To just go where I want and do what I want and to just be there with the moon above smiling down on me. It was a poetic moment. It was an eye opening walk. I felt so free! Free of my own bullshit an fears and paranoia. And it felt great! For just a moment I had wished I wasn’t alone, that I could point to the moon and talk to someone about it’s beauty and wonder. But I let that moment pass in silence and I took a deep breath. I let the calmness of the night soothe me and any insecurities that would follow such a thought. They didn’t come.
When you live in the dark, when you hide yourself away in fear, you rob yourself of so much. You deprive the world of your greatness, beauty and wonder. You hide from the monsters “out there” by staying in and dwelling on the fact that you “know they’re out there.” You know someone or something will get in your way, hold you back, ruin your day or worse, hate or judge you. You long for things “out there” while behind closed doors and under blankets. Hoping that what your heart desires will come to you somehow.
I urge you to step outside of your comfort zone, taste the delights of the world and soak in the night! When you have a thought or desire to do something, just do it. Don’t think about it. Just put yourself in the direction of doing it as quickly as possible and let go of worries and fears. Acknowledge them if they arise, but do not dwell. Stay in the moment. Live there and breathe it in! I promise you, it feels so great! I think I could get used to this. <3
Love this song, funny I didn’t think of it while ON my walk, but now I can’t help it: